Getting my daughter off the RayinPenn Dole...

[braumeister]

Reading these stories makes me think (once again) that today's youngsters have a misplaced feeling of entitlement because they received so much.

There was never a chance of that for me, since my family was lucky to have food on the table. I remember times when we subsisted on potatoes and onion sandwiches. Not quite Yorkshire, but close at times. A different world.

[mrWinter]

I've got two 10-month-olds at home and reading this thread is terrifying me... I don't know how to balance this all with my kids in the future. I pretty much had everything I needed handed to me, I don't know how I turned out alright but I did. I just started working and saving on my own accord, or at least I thought I did. My parents must have been playing some mind games that I'm still not aware of, I need to ask my dad what his tricks were. I remember my dad had fairly standard "gotta be home by XX:00, need to tell me where you're going" etc. rules that started to drive me nuts at the end of high school and early college (totally reasonable rules, just not what I wanted to do), so I definitely wanted to be independent. After that first taste of total freedom that first week of college I was never going back . That certainly helped. Maybe I have to just make life at home just annoying enough that they'll be motivated to get out on their own. But how to get them to leave, and also be responsible with money on their own when they do, yikes tall order indeed.

I also have no idea how I got the idea ingrained to save money and not spend every cent. I decided on my own that I wanted to start working when I was 15. And I really just saved up naturally, maybe I just didn't have anything I wanted to buy, as all basic needs were taken care of (and I was too dense to know I could have been dressing far better), but I don't know why I wanted to work in the first place then. Working at a restaurant is a social affair too, but I didn't know that going in.

I also had money left to me by my grandmothers that my parents were keeping until I turned 18. I remember once before I knew about the money, I guess around age 17, I said to my mom and sister, "Man if I had 15k, I'd but a new silver toyota celica and get a big red dragon decal down the side!" My mom just made a Marge Simpson noise, maybe commented that that might not be the best use of the money. Meanwhile she knows that in a few months the plan is to hand me like 20k or so. Haha, come to think of it I think they waited until I was 18 and a half or so, maybe they needed to wait until I hadn't made any dumb comments like that for a while before they handed the cash over.

As it turned out I ended up working here and there during high school, and during summer and winter breaks through college. Saved most of everything I made. What I made plus Grandma's gift became my first car, used, bought cash, no dragon decals, and a then later a down payment on my first house.

My mom was in a wheelchair while I was in high school and college, so I was forced early on a little about having to TCOB, chores around the house, making dinner, running errands etc. Basically not having everything done for me. That's not really a teaching strategy I'm hoping to implement with my children however.

[athena53]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar Impressive kid. Points out the wide variation in young people’s behaviour. We have friends that have had terrible experiences and we have read about some of those here. Every kid is different and how and the extent you help them (or not) will depend on how they react.

I agree with this- my Ex has a sister who, with her husband, founded a hugely successful business. They're retired now and I'm pretty sure their grandchildren won't have to work. (Their son, BTW, got a Masters and is forging his own way despite the fact that as a teenager he was driving his parents' Mercedes Benzes and owned a tux.) The Ex was a brilliant inorganic chemist but a combination of bipolar disorder and self-medication with alcohol led to a downhill spiral. I divorced him (his family, bless them, has always been supportive of me) and he died 13 years later, pretty much from the ravages of alcohol abuse. His sister paid for his outpatient rehab-twice. She could have taken him in without making a dent in the budget but she never would have gotten him out again. He was a master manipulator and liked turning people against each other. She was my role model- I didn't feel guilty about not enabling him because she, who was in a far better financial position, didn't, either.

Same family, same upbringing. Some of it is just luck. I would have liked to have had a second child and it never happened. I count my blessings that the one I had didn't have his father's problems.

[Danmar]

Quote:

Originally Posted by braumeister Reading these stories makes me think (once again) that today's youngsters have a misplaced feeling of entitlement because they received so much. There was never a chance of that for me, since my family was lucky to have food on the table. I remember times when we subsisted on potatoes and onion sandwiches. Not quite Yorkshire, but close at times. A different world.

I agree that the “prevailing wisdom” has today’s kids a pampered, entitled lot. Clearly our society is much wealthier than it was say 50 years ago and this has meant our kids often have more financial support than we did. But we have to be careful not to generalize too much. My daughter’s friends are mostly impressive. well educated, hard working people. We have heard some pretty impressive stories in this thread, although many appear to fit the “prevailing wisdom”.

I am of the opinion that the future is in pretty good hands, but I’m generally an optimistic guy and I can certainly understand the alternative view.

[O2Bfree]

I'll be sharing some of this with my mom. In our family, dad was the enabler to my brother. Mom eventually drew the line with him after she took the reigns when dad was no longer able to manage things due to health problems and dementia. A little late, unfortunately. Bro is 59 now, and would be homeless were in not for his daughter who set him up with housing near her in another state. Dad is gone now, and bro is pretty much estranged from me and mom, which has also put our relationship with his daughter at risk. She thinks her dad's behavior came about because of a recent health crisis. Really though, it started back in the 1970s.

I suspect that mom feel a little guilty about cutting him off. Hearing others' stories may ease her mind a bit.

[braumeister]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danmar But we have to be careful not to generalize too much. My daughter’s friends are mostly impressive. well educated, hard working people. We have heard some pretty impressive stories in this thread, although many appear to fit the “prevailing wisdom”.

Oh, you're absolutely right and I should have made it clear that I was only referring to the ones who serve as bad examples.

I know plenty of wonderful, responsible, enterprising young people.

[pacergal]

Every family is different and each child is unique. There is no right or wrong way(excluding abusive issues) to raise your kids, you do what works for you.

As long as our kids were always moving forward towards independence, we have helped when we could. They never had their own car, but could use ours on weekends, and we provided phones in HS and college. They knew two years of collage were paid for, rest we would assist with loan payback. They were always (and still are, if needed) welcome to live at home, as long as they followed the family rules--(assist with bills and always let us know where you are going for safety sake). We've experienced some heartache through the years, but they are doing well.
Both have grown into lovely adults, and we have 2 beautiful Grandkids. We are willing to help financially if they ask, because we have the means and they are good kids. They rarely ask.