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Old 04-18-2013, 03:59 PM   #21
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Unless GF expects a lot of negotiations, coming up with these things after a move-in is planned may not be welcome and could throw a wrench into things.

BTW, if she has a child and is divorced from a surgeon, she must have pretty good assets and a pretty reasonable income too, without needing to do a lick of work.

Unless she had found the only broke, low income surgeon in America.

Ha
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Old 04-18-2013, 05:43 PM   #22
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Be mindful of the child who will form an attachment to you. Please do not abandon her emotionally even if you and gf break up. She has, and will continue, go through a lot with the divorce of her parents.
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Old 04-18-2013, 05:58 PM   #23
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I wish you the continued happiness that you likely have now, Obgyn, in order to have come to this decision. As the conservative investor that you are, I would suggest that you continue to be conservative thinking and check with your attorney. Having followed your posts all this time, I think you would sleep better at night having done so. May your relationship grow and prosper.
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Old 04-18-2013, 06:11 PM   #24
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Kids cause a lot of special problems including who gets to discipline, manipulation by the kid, hassles with the ex. You "marry" the whole family, not just the woman. Tread cautiously.
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Old 04-18-2013, 07:25 PM   #25
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When I moved in with DH, then BF, we kept things separate and each paid a share of everything. I think your GF should pay for something...otherwise it is a massive resentment waiting to happen. Definitely, do not co-mingle assets, consult your attorney, and take her lead in how to treat her child. It was a very awkward thing in the beginning when my stepsons came to visit every other weekend...but it worked out well
I am so happy for you have fun!
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Old 04-18-2013, 08:01 PM   #26
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I would not co-mingle assets - at all.

It would be a good idea that she prepare paperwork that would allow you to make necessary medical decisions for her and her child. You may want to grant her that same responsibility regarding your emergency care.
+1, with one caveat. The child has a father, who is in her life, so I'm not sure that legally Obgyn could make any medical decisions for the child, unless the divorce agreement stipulates that all decisions related to the child's medical care are up to the mother, or whomever the mother designates.

I have to agree with many of the other posters here regarding the wisdom of consulting an attorney. Based on some of your previous posts, I believe you have very substantial assets, and it does not sound as though your girlfriend does. There is nothing wrong with that, but the cold fact is that around 50% of all actual marriages end in divorce (I don't know the stats for cohabiting couples). Better to take whatever legal steps are necessary to protect your assets now, rather than having to sort it out in the midst of a messy breakup.

If she is not paying you rent, will she be making any financial contribution to the household? If you get into a situation where you are 100% financially supporting her and her daughter, and then there is a breakup, you might end up on the hook for continuing to fund the lifestyle to which she became accustomed while living with you.

I sincerely hope that you never have to avail yourself of any legal protections you might put in place, but you might sleep better at night knowing that they are in place, just in case. I am a very firm believer in "better safe than sorry."

Whatever you decide to do or not do on the legal front, I wish you and your girlfriend and her daughter much joy in your life together.
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Old 04-19-2013, 05:19 AM   #27
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Thank you everyone for your kind, objective advice above and thoughtful words. Exactly what I expected. Take care.
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Old 04-19-2013, 06:24 AM   #28
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Best of luck. In sickness or in health. For poorer or for richer. If she is the right one for you then what does it matter. Don't let money screw you up so much that it stops you from finding true love.
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Old 04-19-2013, 09:40 AM   #29
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Best of luck. In sickness or in health. For poorer or for richer. If she is the right one for you then what does it matter. Don't let money screw you up so much that it stops you from finding true love.
My feeling, too. Our lives are too fleeting...
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:07 AM   #30
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+1. Coming up on 35 years of 100% common accounts and properties held "not as tenants in common but with right of survivorship". and no marriage license. If it works it works.
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Old 04-19-2013, 10:36 AM   #31
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No advice to offer as I think it has pretty much been covered. I just want to wish you much happiness with your relationship. Take care.
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Old 04-20-2013, 05:27 PM   #32
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I having been living with my So for twelve years . We dated for almost two years before we moved in together . There was an adjustment period but nothing awful .All in all it has been good and I echo Calmloki "If it works it works " . Best wishes for a good relationship .
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Old 04-20-2013, 06:29 PM   #33
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I've been with my SO for 20 years, and we bought a house together 11 years ago. We keep our finances separate and split home expenses 50/50 (we both have sufficient assets). We also are not in a common law state.

When we bought the house we went to an attorney to set out the what-ifs in legal form. More recently we did living wills etc. and medical POA and so on. The fact that you are not married means you can't make medical decisions without this (which you probably know, as a doctor...)

I'll think of more later! Congratulations!
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Old 04-21-2013, 09:06 AM   #34
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I think the financial side of things has been fairly well covered while the other personal dynamics can be extremely complicated. Keep in mind that if your relationship with this woman succeeds, you will have a stepdaughter and your relationship with her will be almost as important as the one you have with her mother. You need to have a serious and detailed conversation with your GF about how you both envision that relationship evolving: responsibilities, discipline, education, religion, etc.

Also, as somone else mentioned, her ex husband will be in the picture for the duration. Since you've described him, as a "real bastard" how are you going to feel having to deal with him for years to come? And even if you don't have to deal with him personally, many aspects of your life will be affected by how this "bastard" behaves toward his ex and his child. Does he have to pay child support? Alimony? Will he pay them in a timely fashion? What are visitation arrangements? Does he honor them now? Vacations, holidays and family events will often revolve around this person and his reliability. How does he feel about you? Is he so much of a bastard that he will actively work to poison your relationship with his daughter?

Sorry to harp on all the negatives but I've been there and done that so do not underestimate the influence this person can exert on your long term relationship with your GF and her daughter.
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Old 04-21-2013, 01:43 PM   #35
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It has mostly been said already, and well. For myself, I take comfort knowing that we have talked about the potential issues we could foresee.

The issue of your SOs daughter and your presumably not equal financial status are big and should be thought about. Who pays for what? I don't know if you own a house already (yourself).

But although I think all of this should be talked about openly and maybe with a lawyer, I think it will only help your relationship to have done all this. So enjoy!
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Old 04-22-2013, 02:12 PM   #36
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Thank you again to all those who have taken the time to post. I appreciate it.
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:51 PM   #37
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Noone else has mentioned your GF's depression. You seem like a really nice young man who likes to help people, but it seems to me like you would be a great candidate to get caught up in trying to make her happy. Hopefully, her bout with depression is a one time thing, but have you asked her if she's dealt with depression before? Living with a depressed person can be quite a roller coaster ride. I think you might find the book "Depression Fallout" a good read. Best of luck and much happiness to you.
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