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Old 06-12-2008, 09:19 AM   #41
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It might be time to take a cue from the Manhattans' song - Kiss and Say Goodbye.



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Old 06-12-2008, 09:22 AM   #42
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Random thoughts...

Girlfriend of 8 years? Man, I think you need someone a little older!

You dont trust her, and whether you've got reason or not, mistrust is a poor foundation for any sort of relationship.

You screwed up by having children with someone that according to your tale, doesnt respect you and is untrustworthy. A women that sporks another guy in your bed, then tries to rip you off, then calls you into the cops seems like a poor choice for a mate and mother of your children.

Weddings have very little to do with the guy. You're just required to show up. Maybe even that is optional, i'm not sure.

It doesnt seem to me that a wedding or even further continuation of the relationship is a bright idea. Your only issue is deciding whether you want to try to stay fully engaged with your kids and eat a lot of **** as the consequence of being in a bad relationship or cut the cord now and be a part time peripheral influence on the kids.

Key message here is the mistake has already been made, all thats left is to clean up the results and figure out what level of compromise you're going to make.
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Old 06-12-2008, 09:37 AM   #43
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... (in addition to the three-way switch thing). Hope you find a good solution.
Hey wait a minute, nobody told me about this aspect. Need more data, Fed!

HA
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Old 06-12-2008, 09:45 AM   #44
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It might be time to take a cue from the Manhattans' song - Kiss and Say Goodbye.



God Bless Us All
Great video Wags. Gotta love those outfits!
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:01 AM   #45
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Flat out , past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Whether or not you trust someone has nothing to do with how they are going to behave. How they behaved in the past is a greater indicator than how you feel or think about their behavior. If a person cheated once, it is likely they will cheat again. It is part of their nature to behave in that manner. There may be mitigating factors, like you were believed dead in a plane crash, but they would be far and few between.

If they cheat again, they are highly likely to continue that behavior. You contradict yourself when you say you trust her now, but that you do not believe she came clean about the second person you believe she cheated with.

You should have run before the children were born. You need to see a lawyer before doing anything else. You have obligations, one of those is to protect yourself, another is to protect the children. Prior to asking whether she will walk if you refuse marriage, you need to know how this will impact not only yourself but the children.

A good mother models integrity and commitment. So too does a good father. The children will form a major portion of their character from their experiences prior to age 6. The behaviors they will mimic are so subtle that you may not be aware you or the mother are modeling them.

If I thought the woman had cheated twice, I would be looking at the cost of DNA testing versus the cost of child support. Twice may just be the tip of the iceberg.

Before anyone says anything about my being too negative about the woman, I would say the same thing if she asked me about the likely hood of future illegal behavior on the fed's part should the pressure be high enough.
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:04 AM   #46
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It might be time to take a cue from the Manhattans' song - Kiss and Say Goodbye.



God Bless Us All
I'll see your Manhattans and raise you the Dells.


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Old 06-12-2008, 10:08 AM   #47
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Even the title says so much: 'girlfriend', why not 'Mother of my Children'?

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Old 06-12-2008, 10:13 AM   #48
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Even the title says so much: 'girlfriend', why not 'Mother of my Children'?
Good point. Just saying "girlfriend" makes it easier to sound like you can justify not doing it and leaving her.

Remembering that she is also the mother of your children means that decision can't be made so cavalierly.
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:29 AM   #49
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If you want relationship advice, I'm not the guy...

But I'd add 1% to REWahoo's number.
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:34 AM   #50
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Counseling.
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No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

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Old 06-12-2008, 10:38 AM   #51
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You don't trust her enough to marry her but you trusted her enough to bring kids into the world.

I don't get it.
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:44 AM   #52
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Some of y'all might get part time work as volunteer preachers. What do any of us know about this that should make us feel qualified to give advice?

Life is always getting messed up. It's a human curse. But at the same time it's a human blessing to be able endure and sometimes even smile through all the sorrow.

Anyway, Fed isn't here for advice, he is here for entertainment (His and ours). And I must say that he is pretty good in that very important role.

Ha
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:44 AM   #53
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From your earlier thread about not being able to find peace, fed, I think you're at a weird time in your emotional life (maybe a quarter/third life crisis). That could be affecting all your decisions right now. Agree with Martha and others about counseling--alone for now.
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:52 AM   #54
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Counseling, for sure.

fed, you clearly have a long term relationship that appears worth salvaging, and I would argue the kids are a consideration. I probably do not need to tell you what happens to father's access to kids in most divorce/separation scenarios. So I would suggest that you put good faith effort into counseling and perhaps also spend some time by yourself (not at work) really thinking about this before you make any decisions.

When DW and I got married, we had been engaged for 3 years. I frankly didn't much care whether we were married, engaged, whatever, so long as I was with her. You might give some thought about whether you want to be with her (and the kids) and act accordingly.
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:56 AM   #55
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You don't trust her enough to marry her but you trusted her enough to bring kids into the world.

I don't get it.
Well, these things happen............
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Old 06-12-2008, 10:59 AM   #56
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Well, these things happen............
Twice?
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Old 06-12-2008, 11:00 AM   #57
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Twice?
They do things differently in Ohio. And more often.
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Old 06-12-2008, 11:03 AM   #58
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TheFed, you are a very brave guy to discuss this at a site where so many people are known to keep shotguns handy.

Whatever you decide, keep on posting here, you have some "family" here as well and we love you all the more for sharing.

P.S. there is some very good advise on this thread but it isn't counseling.
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Old 06-12-2008, 11:09 AM   #59
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Twice?
I suspect that the first time was fun, so they tried again...
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Old 06-12-2008, 11:11 AM   #60
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TheFed, you are a very brave guy to discuss this at a site where so many people are known to keep shotguns handy.

Whatever you decide, keep on posting here, you have some "family" here as well and we love you all the more for sharing.

P.S. there is some very good advise on this thread but it isn't counseling.
Hey, I finally learned why his screen name is "thefed"...........
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