Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 06-12-2008, 11:11 AM   #61
Full time employment: Posting here.
Calgary_Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Calgary
Posts: 775
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProspectiveBum View Post
Twice?
With those odds, I'd run out and get a lottery ticket!
__________________

__________________
I can only be nice to one person today! Today is not your day...tomorrow doesn't look good either.
Calgary_Girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 06-12-2008, 11:33 AM   #62
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,375
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
Some of y'all might get part time work as volunteer preachers. What do any of us know about this that should make us feel qualified to give advice?

Life is always getting messed up. It's a human curse. But at the same time it's a human blessing to be able endure and sometimes even smile through all the sorrow.

Anyway, Fed isn't here for advice, he is here for entertainment (His and ours). And I must say that he is pretty good in that very important role.

Ha


In my opinion, the above is the only post that is worth considering.
__________________

__________________
Jarhead* is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 11:37 AM   #63
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Moemg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 10,029
This little soap opera keeps us amused and away from the worries of the stock market .
__________________
Moemg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 11:45 AM   #64
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 2,423
Quote:
Originally Posted by thefed View Post
im a very anti-establishment,anti-NORM person. its the NORM to get a 9-5job and work for a living. i didnt do that. its the NORM for people to get married in our situation. instead i see it as 1) a religious tradition that serves no purpose but to make one/both parties feel secure...remember that im not religious 2) a financial agreement
Marriage isn't a financial arrangement, it's a legal one. The purpose is to be one legal unit, not separate entities. As for the religious aspect, I've never cared about what other people think. But it looks like that matters to your GF, because she said she's living a lie. That only matters to other people, not the 2 of you.

But when it come to kids I think a legal marriage is important.

You tell us you have issues besides the "expected norm" and religion aspects. You have not forgiven her and you don't trust her right now or in the future. And on top of that you are suspicious that she got you into your legal trouble and that she cheated another time.

I can't imagine getting married to someone that I didn't trust completely. I can't imagine living with someone that I had ongoing suspicions about old events.

From her point of view I wouldn't want to marry someone who was only doing it to shut me up. I wouldn't want to marry a man who suspected that I would turn against him. I wouldn't want to marry a man who hadn't forgiven me for an affair, even when I had told the whole truth, promised I would never do it again, and apologized.

Fed, if you have any hope of making this a lifelong married commitment, you need to heal yourself first. If you love her completely, you need to forgive her completely. She and the kids are a package deal. You obviously have a lifelong commitment to them.

If you look at this as her cornering you into a wedding you're only going to feel like a kid who needs to rebel - "You can't make me do it!" But if you look at it as becoming a better father and partner, a better man who can love a woman for who she is right now (a loving partner and mother) rather than who she was when you both screwed up, it will be a step in the right direction. You may just become a person who WANTS to get married, because it's the best thing to do for the family.

Don't decide right now if you'll get married, but open up yourself to making the commitment to her. But toss the baggage first. And FORGIVE.

And another vote for counseling. Do it just for yourself.
__________________
Sue J is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 12:02 PM   #65
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
73ss454's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LaLa Land
Posts: 4,378
Hey fed, woman are funny that way.
__________________
73ss454 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 12:04 PM   #66
Full time employment: Posting here.
ProspectiveBum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: SoCal
Posts: 667
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
Anyway, Fed isn't here for advice, he is here for entertainment (His and ours). And I must say that he is pretty good in that very important role.

Ha
Are you SURE about that? There's enough apparent truth mixed into this story to make me wonder...

You just brought a new baby home a few months ago. Maybe you're just feeling trapped by all your new responsibilities. My advice would be to echo what others have said about seeking solo counseling.
__________________
ProspectiveBum is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 12:16 PM   #67
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,380
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProspectiveBum View Post
Are you SURE about that? There's enough apparent truth mixed into this story to make me wonder...
I don't doubt the truth of any of this. Fed has been on the boards a long time. He gets something from being here, but it isn't advice. If you doubt this go back and read some old dramas, the advice given, and Fed's course of action. Simple things like house wiring are in a different category

Actually, I respect him for this.

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 12:26 PM   #68
Moderator Emeritus
Rich_by_the_Bay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 8,827
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
I don't doubt the truth of any of this.
I think ProspectiveBum is saying that there probably are enough grains of truth for it to be worrisome even if there is some "embellishment." I agree with him.
__________________
Rich
San Francisco Area
ESR'd March 2010. FIRE'd January 2011.

As if you didn't know..If the above message contains medical content, it's NOT intended as advice, and may not be accurate, applicable or sufficient. Don't rely on it for any purpose. Consult your own doctor for all medical advice.
Rich_by_the_Bay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 12:26 PM   #69
Full time employment: Posting here.
Urchina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Central Coast, California
Posts: 891
Fed, there's a lot of good advice here, especially the advice that asks you to take a step back and really think about your behavior and activities. I'm with DangerMouse, too, I think counseling is in order -- you're in a bit of a tangle.

The question that arises for me is: What is it that you're afraid of? In my experience, being engaged/living together is NOT the same as being married, even if the day-to-day stuff is identical. It's the difference between feeling like you can walk at any time and being bound to try to work it out. It's a PUBLIC difference -- your living together / engagement is just between the two of you, but getting married is where you stand up in front of your larger society (even if it is just the JP or a Vegas elopement) and say, out loud, that you promise to commit to this person and this marriage, and to do what it takes to make it a success. It's where you take responsibility for the partnership, not just for your own life, but for someone else's too.

Both you and your girlfriend/fiancee seem to be aware of this difference, or you wouldn't be fighting over whether or not to get married.

So maybe this conflict isn't really over whether or not to get married -- maybe this conflict is over whether or not you're equal partners in your relationship. Your comment about needing "control" also leads me to think this.

Get thee to a counselor, friend. It might also make sense for you to go alone, too, so that you can speak freely to someone who isn't emotionally involved with you. I think it's OK to have the feelings you're having -- but when they get in the way of your life, of a committed and stable relationship (with this woman or someone else) -- then they're in control, not you. I hope you find what you need to work it out.
__________________
"You'd be surprised at how much it costs to look this cheap." -- Dolly Parton
Urchina is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 12:37 PM   #70
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
lazygood4nothinbum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,895
what a nightmare. but at least you might be starting to wake up and recognizing that you have just been living in your sleep, sleeping through your life. as you rub your eyes, in seeking counsel, explore just what it is about you that got you here. find the pattern & its cause(s) so that you can either break through or, if you can not (and there is no shame in that), learn to work better within it. otherwise you are bound to repeat bad habits over and over again as they lull you back to sleep.

as to relationships, i will only add to what's been said that love has little positive applicable value to a shared relationship without trust. whether we trust empirically or in faith, trust is the transformer of love. with trust, love offers hope and happiness but without trust, love becomes hatred at worst or sadness at best.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Texarkandy View Post
If you split-up & she finds another guy, don't plan on seeing, being with, interacting, etc with your kids as much as you might think - despite what the court order may say...
my personal experience with this is just the opposite. from very early, i consciously did my part to try to maintain a good relationship with my father over many years (& my mother encouraged this even when i would become disappointed), but he was never a very giving guy and so did not do his part. after years of this one-sided relationship, i'd had enough of being slighted. our mutual loss has been his fault alone.
__________________
"off with their heads"~~dr. joseph-ignace guillotin

"life should begin with age and its privileges and accumulations, and end with youth and its capacity to splendidly enjoy such advantages."~~mark twain - letter to edward kimmitt 1901
lazygood4nothinbum is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 12:49 PM   #71
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
maddythebeagle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,450
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
. He gets something from being here, but it isn't advice. If you doubt this go back and read some old dramas, the advice given, and Fed's course of action. Simple things like house wiring are in a different category
I missed that thread...did he get electrocuted? Like my grandpa used to say...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free
__________________
- Hurry! to the cliffs of insanity!
maddythebeagle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 01:17 PM   #72
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Northern IL
Posts: 18,255
Quote:
Originally Posted by Urchina View Post

So maybe this conflict isn't really over whether or not to get married -- maybe this conflict is over whether or not you're equal partners in your relationship. Your comment about needing "control" also leads me to think this.
Very insightful.

So much good information here, Texarkandy's long post was excellent as are many others.

I better stop before I write an entire page...

-ERD50
__________________
ERD50 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 01:21 PM   #73
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 16,391
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddythebeagle View Post
I missed that thread...did he get electrocuted? Like my grandpa used to say...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free
AKA, why buy the cow when you can milk it through the fence?
__________________
"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."



- Will Rogers
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 01:25 PM   #74
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
maddythebeagle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,450
Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345 View Post
AKA, why buy the cow when you can milk it through the fence?
sounds painful...
__________________
- Hurry! to the cliffs of insanity!
maddythebeagle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 01:33 PM   #75
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 961
I'd often felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain. - Kinky Friedman

God Bless Us All
__________________
War is a poor chisel to carve out tomorrow. - Martin Luther King Jr.
Seek peace, and pursue it. - Psalms 34:14
Be kind to unkind people - they need it the most - by Ashleigh Brilliant.
Wags is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 01:58 PM   #76
gone traveling
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,864
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddythebeagle View Post
I missed that thread...did he get electrocuted?
Hopefully not electrocuted! but, ...sterilized...hmm..
__________________
Westernskies is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 03:59 PM   #77
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,764
Quote:
Originally Posted by maddythebeagle View Post
I missed that thread...did he get electrocuted? Like my grandpa used to say...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free
Whats that other saying? Why buy the whole pig to get a lil sausage?
__________________
Notmuchlonger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 04:40 PM   #78
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Pasadena CA
Posts: 2,695
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wags View Post
I'd often felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain. - Kinky Friedman

God Bless Us All
But AFAIK Kinky is gay, so maybe less useful advice in this case; and Kinky is a great entertainer so his statementcan be read hat way.

Like Urchina & LG4NB said, being married is more than living together & loving each other. My favorite marriage quote:

"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them---it was that promise." 
Thornton Wilder, THE SKIN OF OUR TEETH
__________________
T.S. Eliot:
Old men ought to be explorers
yakers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 04:57 PM   #79
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
thefed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 2,203
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
I don't doubt the truth of any of this. Fed has been on the boards a long time. He gets something from being here, but it isn't advice. If you doubt this go back and read some old dramas, the advice given, and Fed's course of action. Simple things like house wiring are in a different category

Actually, I respect him for this.

Ha

ha....care to elaborate? I get a lot from these responses...jumping-off points for what really needs to happen. i dont go posting these things on my camaro forums because those are different types of people. i respect those on this board for belonging to THIS kind of board....enough so that i want to hear what they think

but as far as my 'old dramas'....please elaborate...they may be dramas to you,but real life for me. and surely the responses on this board influenced my thought processes enough to matter

EVERYONE ELSE: I'll try to take some time tonite and respond to each of you...i really DO appreciate the time you've all taken...whether or not you responded tongue-in-cheek...after all, im just an imaginary person in an imaginary place....nobody you could talk to like that face to face....but hey....thats why we like the 'net....eh?
__________________
thefed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2008, 05:15 PM   #80
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
bright eyed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,891
Fed, i think the issue isn't getting married or not - but how you two can start making decisions together about your lives and that of your children from now on that consider everyone's needs.

For whatever number of reasons - you made decisions without being totally clear about where you were at in your head and what that means in the future (for your kids). You have to stop that now and get a framework for how to move forward less-hap-hazardly and books/professionals may help - they may not. It sort of depends on what your and your gf's intentions are - she does seem quite unwilling to discuss or explore her feelings, she's just feeling them right now.

But if you can conjure up as much compassion as you have in your heart for her and your kids, you will sit with her and let her know you "hear" her concern and you want to find out how you two can learn to talk about these things and make decisions together - a valuable relationship skill you both will need whether you stay together or not.

good luck to you. i think people were a bit judgement to you because you've stumbled a bit, but i empathize with you a lot and have a lot in common. Life doesn't come with a manual and some of us had less resources steering the course than others and are all just doing the best that we can.
__________________

__________________
If i think of something clever to say, i'll put it here...
bright eyed is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Forever Stocks - or at least 20 yrs? unclemick Stock Picking and Market Strategy 32 11-07-2007 02:59 PM
For currently married MEN only. MUST be married for at least 10 years. Sam Other topics 33 01-08-2007 02:24 PM
My Retirement Situation (38 yrs old) Shabber FIRE and Money 23 09-03-2006 03:17 AM
OJ beat up by ex girlfriend cute fuzzy bunny Other topics 2 07-07-2005 12:34 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:13 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.