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Old 06-14-2008, 10:24 AM   #141
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25? 8 year relationship with a women obviously about your age. wow. best of luck.
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Old 06-14-2008, 01:09 PM   #142
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Fed, you are the best at dealing with criticism. That alone puts you a cut above the pack.

Ha
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Old 06-14-2008, 02:06 PM   #143
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..Her free ride right now is just that...a FREE ride. Financially,she must contribute NOTHING to our situation. She works for play money. So how does that entitle her to the things *I* have earned?...

""You grossly underestimate what it means to be a stay at home mom to 2 kids under 3. She works much harder than you ever have, regardless of your F!!!!ing paycheck. What makes you think you are entitled to what she does for you and your children everyday? It's not your money just because you work for it. If you want her to be a SAHM then you have to respect it, otherwise you are a controlling, insensitive man. If she agrees with you, then stop beating her down.
"""


Fed, You opened up this can of worms. I would never have commented at all if you hadn't made the crass comments about "free ride". That had nothing to do with words like felon, divorcee, etc... So you may have to accept that people may have valid points about your behavior, even if you don't like the way they sound.

Just because you've overcome alot doesn't mean that there's not more to learn, like respect. I've overcome alot, too. But everyday I have to continue to improve my relations with my DH and DC, and respect is such a relationship fundamental, life fundamental really. And we all know people who are great in the community and not so great with the people closest to them.

And you're only 25. Most of haven't got a clue about the best way to treat someone (and yes, upbringing greatly can affect this). If I had married those I WANTED to at that age, I would have missed out on the great husband who came along just a few years later. Focus on taking the best care of your children. They are really the unprotected ones in this, regardless of what you do with their mother.
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Old 06-14-2008, 05:33 PM   #144
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... regardless of what you do with their mother.
I think there are several constraints on what Fed might "do with their mother."

Besides, all this lamenting about the poor children is little strange. In America, no child is uncared for. A father may contribute as part of the household, he may contribute under force of law as an absentee father who may or may not be allowed to see his kids, or the kids may be cared for by you and me via our taxes.

Since Fed's kids are never going to fall into this last category, what's the big deal?

Ha
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Old 06-14-2008, 05:56 PM   #145
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..Her free ride right now is just that...a FREE ride. Financially,she must contribute NOTHING to our situation. She works for play money. So how does that entitle her to the things *I* have earned?...

You grossly underestimate what it means to be a stay at home mom to 2 kids under 3. She works much harder than you ever have, regardless of your F!!!!ing paycheck. What makes you think you are entitled to what she does for you and your children everyday? It's not your money just because you work for it. If you want her to be a SAHM then you have to respect it, otherwise you are a controlling, insensitive man. If she agrees with you, then stop beating her down.
Stop blowing out of proportion something he said. He's just saying she doesnt contribute financially to the household. For this reason, she is not entitled to the equity of the house, simply because she lives there.

Frankly, your language is unnecessarily inflammatory and confrontational, in my opinion. He never said his fiance does nothing, is lazy, isnt worthy of respect, controls her, or he beats her down. Also, could you could explain what you mean when you said "It's not your money just because you work for it." The way I see it, lacking a marriage, his money is still his money. My girlfriend was not entitled to my paychecks just because she brought me chicken soup in bed. My wife is, as our assets are our assets, both in reality and before the law.

My wife has a "free ride" now, too. She's in law school, and I pay for everything. The connotation is purely financial, and does not saying anything about the happiness and non-financial contributions she brings. And as theFed pointed out in a later post, his fiance recognizes that she does not earn a paycheck, and receives financial benefits from theFed ("free" housing and food). Do you disagree?
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Old 06-14-2008, 06:12 PM   #146
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... because if it was a partnership it is both of your money... because you both made a decision that she is a SAHM.... and she is upholding HER end of the bargain... seems you are not...
No, there is not a partnership (ie. marriage). They are linked by the kids, but they are not linked by law. There is an agreement, whereby she stays at home to raise the kids and he works and provides shelter and food. They are not married; his money is his, and hers is hers. They just share all the expenses in their own way. She is staying at home and he is paying the bills. How is he not upholding his end of the bargain? Because he posts on a message board that his girlfriend doesnt pay for anything I'm not following the logic.
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BTW, if you are willing to leave her everything if you die.... then what is the problem with her having some of it when you are alive?
He does share his wealth. He provides housing, food, and pays the bill. He posted here about whether to share everything via marriage. He obviously has doubts about her commitment to him, and I don't blame him for being hesitant. I would have been more hesitant about having kids, facing these issues, but that is neither here nor there.
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Old 06-14-2008, 07:41 PM   #147
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My wife has a "free ride" now, too. She's in law school, and I pay for everything. The connotation is purely financial, and does not saying anything about the happiness and non-financial contributions she brings. And as theFed pointed out in a later post, his fiance recognizes that she does not earn a paycheck, and receives financial benefits from theFed ("free" housing and food). Do you disagree?

Oh do not let her read what you just posted. It still sounds bad. If I wrote my wife has a free ride no matter how I meant it dog house for sure.
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Old 06-14-2008, 07:49 PM   #148
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Oh do not let her read what you just posted. It still sounds bad. If I wrote my wife has a free ride no matter how I meant it dog house for sure.
Unlike your situation, I let my wife read whatever she wants. :P

People are simply jumping all over the phrase instead of the content, which was the point I was making.
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Old 06-14-2008, 08:13 PM   #149
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Fed, All I can say is good luck . I never realized how young you were .You'll get married when you are ready .
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Old 06-14-2008, 09:16 PM   #150
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Wow. Fed is only 25? Geez, I've been married 34 years. IMHO the secret to a long happy marriage is love, respect, trust and supporting each other during the hard times. I sincerely hope Fed and his GF work things out.
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Old 06-15-2008, 12:05 AM   #151
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What this thread needs is a poll - can you add one after you start the thread?
Spouse and I consult this board's wisdom on just about every important decision, but I'm glad we didn't do that this time!
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Old 06-15-2008, 01:02 AM   #152
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My $0.02, she should make plans to separate and see a lawyer. She is wasting her time with you if she wants a husband.

The two of you need to figure out how each of you will fulfill your responsibilities to your children.
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Old 06-15-2008, 01:54 AM   #153
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DW and I were 23 and 25, respectively, when we got married. You don't have to marry her, but you need to make a decision. Either commit or cut bait and let people move on with their lives.
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Old 06-15-2008, 05:57 AM   #154
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This is an off-topic comment on the subject of off-topic posts. This thread really hit a nerve with me because I see some of the sub-topics at the office. Common Law Marriage and prenups are of general interest on this forum. I've heard that prenups are especially popular in the engineering and Silicon Valley communities. My comments on those subjects are not meant to hammer at fed but IMO good veer off sub-topics. At this time there are 153 posts and I am amazed to see that we are again directly on point! Good job.
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Old 06-15-2008, 06:09 AM   #155
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Somehow, I knew this would turn out to be a dogpile.

I'm surprised at some of the postings here also. There can be a million post asking "Do I have enough to retire." or "Should I pay off my mortgage" and there will be many well thought out replies.

TheFed; opens himself up to a group of older people (yes, I knew theFed was on the younger side from his previous posts and he is trying to change his life) looking for advise and he gets hammered by some with their agendas. I don't think it was easy to make his post and when a person is crying out for help one thing to to is not to hurt them. It doesn't motivate a person to seek out help. in their life. Another thing it does is stops the flow of info from the person seeking help just when they need to open up the most.

Withholding your judgment and offering insights or personal experiences for the person to consider is about the best a person can do on a forum. It helps if this is done in a kind and considerate manner. Be there for the person asking for help not for yourself.

One thing I've learned - "First, do no harm."

Something has changed on this board; it is less kind. I get the sense there are more people with agendas and less polite people posting here.
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Old 06-15-2008, 06:59 AM   #156
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I never knew anything about my grandfather except that he left my grandmother and my mom in the depression to try and make it on their own. It almost killed my grandmother, my mom had to go live with an aunt as a "poor relation", my mom tried to commit suicide at 6 years old thinking everyone would be better off without her. God saved her and me and many of my family; for that I am Blessed!
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:03 PM   #157
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No, there is not a partnership (ie. marriage). They are linked by the kids, but they are not linked by law. There is an agreement, whereby she stays at home to raise the kids and he works and provides shelter and food. They are not married; his money is his, and hers is hers. They just share all the expenses in their own way. She is staying at home and he is paying the bills. How is he not upholding his end of the bargain? Because he posts on a message board that his girlfriend doesnt pay for anything I'm not following the logic.

He does share his wealth. He provides housing, food, and pays the bill. He posted here about whether to share everything via marriage. He obviously has doubts about her commitment to him, and I don't blame him for being hesitant. I would have been more hesitant about having kids, facing these issues, but that is neither here nor there.

You seem to think that you have to be married to have a partnership... I don't think so... they HAVE one... it is not marriage...

His comments on her 'free ride' tells a lot... that he thinks in money and not a relationship... and then his comments about not wanting to get married even though he said to her he did...

Let's look at it from a different side... what would you tell HER if she was your daughter and she came to YOU for advice from her dear ole dad



and Fed... none of my comments ever took in to consideration your history that you seem to think swayed a lot of thinking... I think the same way with a number of other guys I know who had the same questions... one was living with a girl for 13 years... she finally was packing up to move out because she wanted MORE... and it sounds like your GF wants more.... but again, your excuses ring hollow to me on why you do not get married... as I said, there is something else going on that you are not saying and if that is the case you should not... but don't lie to her (which if you say you are going to marry her and then back out you are lying to her)....
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:48 PM   #158
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response to abruetime

I've messed up the quote thing, oh well...My responses are after >>>

Stop blowing out of proportion something he said. He's just saying she doesnt contribute financially to the household.
>>>In a crass manner that isn't very nice to SAHM's

For this reason, she is not entitled to the equity of the house, simply because she lives there.
>>>He didn't say anything about equity. Obviously she's not entitled to it.

Frankly, your language is unnecessarily inflammatory and confrontational, in my opinion.
>>>I'm sorry for being inflammatory. It is hard enough being a SAHM without comments like "free ride", though my DH would NEVER say that.

He never said his fiance does nothing, is lazy, isn't worthy of respect, controls her, or he beats her down.
>>>You're right,of course he didn't say that. I inferred the beaten down thing because I don't know a SAHM who thinks she's getting a free ride.

Also, could you could explain what you mean when you said "It's not your money just because you work for it." The way I see it, lacking a marriage, his money is still his money. My girlfriend was not entitled to my paychecks just because she brought me chicken soup in bed. My wife is, as our assets are our assets, both in reality and before the law.

>>>Given she is not working full time in order to stay at home with the children as THEY agreed, the money that he earns is really theirs. Maybe not legally, but morally or else she is a slave. Yes, your girlfriend was not entitled to your paycheck for bringing you soup in bed, but his is entitled to feel like it is their money since she brought his children into the world and is staying home to take care of them.

My wife has a "free ride" now, too. She's in law school, and I pay for everything. The connotation is purely financial, and does not saying anything about the happiness and non-financial contributions she brings. And as theFed pointed out in a later post, his fiance recognizes that she does not earn a paycheck, and receives financial benefits from theFed ("free" housing and food). Do you disagree?
>>I do not believe the connotation is purely financial; I think it shows a lack of respect as I stated.

And now my comments are finished.
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Old 06-15-2008, 09:07 PM   #159
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One thing I've learned - "First, do no harm."

Something has changed on this board; it is less kind. I get the sense there are more people with agendas and less polite people posting here.
This really make me think Dex. I'm going to make an effort to be more thoughtful about what I post. Fed, I wish you a happy father's day and all the best in working through everything.
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Old 06-15-2008, 09:27 PM   #160
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Something has changed on this board; it is less kind. I get the sense there are more people with agendas and less polite people posting here.
Must be the heat. Or maybe the humidity...
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