Girlfriend of 8 yrs wants to get married...and I don't

Fed, as far as you not being able to get past her sleeping with someone else, I get that. It's a big matzoh ball. You feel betrayed, but so does she when you were going to marry her and now seem to not be. When your kids someday ask you why you did not marry their mother, what will you say?
 
So, "Judy." [I need to humanize you to "get" this.] Judy, congrats on accepting the proposal from two years ago. Are you happy? Oh, yeah, you are three months post-partem with an active three-year-old running around and now you look like an internet widow, living with the children's father who works how many jobs, how many hours?. Says he can't forgive you for something you've already "worked out." Wants to spend his "copious" free time finding himself, while two children need attention, you gotta be kidding. And you, you want a big party wedding; I hear big weddings take a lot of time to plan, why do that when two children need attention; at this point why not elope? What's that he calls you, gf instead of fiancee? What's that all about, he proposed. Does that look like love to you?

Many states do not recognize common law marriage; for example, last time I checked: California, Nevada and Alaska do not, as well as several others, my suggestion: run, run now to see a custody attorney to find out your full rights. And get some counseling. Do you have family you can stay with for a few months or years while you sort this out? Good luck, this is what we call "a tough row to hoe."
 
IMO you should either decide to "forgive" her wholeheartedly what ever you feel she did to you or leave this relationship, take responsibility of the kids and allow yourself and her to move on with your lifes.

In the situation of today you keep yourself in a nice and comfortable setting: You believe that what she did or might have done is worse than what you did, so you have the right to treat her the way you do: not keeping promises, escaping from responsibility.
And isn't it nice for your ego to see that she wants you so much as a partner?

You should better acknowledge your share of what hapened so far. You contributed to her dealing with another guy, you contributed to your criminal offence, you contributed to the kids, you contributed to her expectation of getting married.

Get real and take a decision other than to keep the situation open as long as she is willing to compromise.
Partnership counselling might help both of you to find one.
 
You both should ask yourselves what is best for your two children and let that be your guide. You indicated they were planned. When planning to have children, did you two consider the kind of life you wanted to provide for them? If so, I doubt these plans included living with two parents consumed with bitterness over past events and unable to make a true committment to each other.

Either work it out with counseling if you believe you have a chance at a long term committed relationship. Otherwise, go your separate ways and give the children the support they need. It would be better for the kids to be with a single parent than in a household filled with distrust and turmoil.
 
The children are going to hear and see your fights, your unhappiness , your disrespect toward each other as they grow up if you continue to live as you have been.
 
dude, you bought the farm 3 years ago. The wedding is merely a formality. You'll have a life long commitment with her with or without the wedding - via the kids.

So don't let the lack of a wedding be the thing that causes the split. This is not the time to wonder if someone better will "come along".
 
Run, "Judy", run! Take the 2 kids & get away (or kick his aqq to the curb). This is not a committed man. He cares more about himself than about you or the children. Run, run for your life.
 
REWahoo said:
Don't marry her.
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REWahoo said:
If you aren't 99% sure you want to marry her, and it certainly doesn't sound that way, you shouldn't do it. I'm from the school that says you have to listen to your gut (a combination of thinking with the heart and the other head) and if you don't, you'll likely regret it.

Bottom line, if you have to ask this forum whether or not you should marry her...:cool:
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What he said!! Look past all the details you list, and that people are discussing in various posts, and read this one carefully.

Marriage is a wonderful institution and if you respect that institution, you won't marry when you are this unsure about it. Don't let yourself be "guilted" into it. There are enough meaningless marriages in the world already.
 
CuppaJoe said:
Many states do not recognize common law marriage; for example, last time I checked: California, Nevada and Alaska do not, as well as several others
Click to expand...

Common Law Marriage > Marriages > by States

The following states:

Alabama
Colorado
the District of Columbia
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
New Hampshire (only for purposes of inheritance)


recognize common law marriage under various circumstances (check the above website for details).

I am just posting this since I believe singles with enough money to ER need to be fully aware of such things so that if they acquire a common law spouse, they do so with their eyes wide open.
 
thefed said:
i love my children with all my heart and they couldnt have a better mother. they were planned.
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I'm going to go a little bit contrary to what many on here our saying (surprise!) And I don't "do" drama. I think relationships with a lot of drama are just asking for problems. For one raised in the 60's & 70's I'm actually an old fashioned kind of guy. I actually had to think about your post overnight before just blabbing off with an opinion (as I usually do :)

This (the above) is actually a very good reason to marry the woman.

"they couldn't have a better mother" If this is true then sounds to me like most of the problems at this point are yours - not hers. 8 years is a long time to have your lives intertwined & have children together.

As to weddings & not being religious - I'm a total atheist & I had a very small church wedding - mostly to please my mom. What's the big deal to you (a guy) whether it's a preacher, a JP, a Buddhist monk, a witch doctor, or a Wiccan Priestess. We're guys. Weddings are for the women - it's something you do for her - the guy's part is just to show up with a buttoneire and a smile; say "I do"; kiss the bride; and help make it a warm, romantic, & memorable event for her.

If she is being "sane" now & you are the one with the problems, you need to work out or just get-over your problems & carry on. Perhaps engage yourself in a little self-directed Rational Emotive Therapy. (a psycho-babble way of saying taking a good logical rational look at yourself, consciously making an effort to modify your behavior, and growing up! Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but you asked.)

Mothers are looking for security, commitment, responsibility, maturity, and leadership in a man - the security/commitment thing could be a big part of what all her nudging you toward marriage is about with her (subconcious even). It's a natural thing on her part to want that (esp. after all this time) natural evolutionary instinct even - nothing wrong with it.

If you're gonna stick around, you need to provide her (& the kids) with that commitment - let her know that you are gonna take care of her, the kids, & things through thick or thin - for better or worse. Set a good example for your children of what a good, responsible, mature, emotionally healthy man should be. You should be steady as a rock for them. Be the leader in reducing all of this destructive drama in your relationship and your lives. I predict she'll love you for it. Consider it the best gift you can ever possibly give to her & your kids.

Another thought - If you split-up & she finds another guy, don't plan on seeing, being with, interacting, etc with your kids as much as you might think - despite what the court order may say. (Kids unconciously "know" this possibility too & it makes them insecure) From what I've seen the father/child relationship nearly always deteriorates/falls-away to some degree or another when the mom hooks up with a new guy - and you won't have very much control over this situation - you'll just have to take what you can get. The only thing you'll be guaranteed as far as your kids go will be writing a child-support check every month. Anything else you get re: your kids will just be gravy.

Like I said, I'm an old fashioned guy, but I believe it's a man's place in the relationship to take the lead (without trying to dominate her) in providing that security (financial & emotional) & letting her know you're gonna be there for her & the kids no matter what - even if you're unhappy with a few things once in a while or have a little "angst" here & there. That's the man's burden, women have their own burdens just as heavy.

If you're sure her "fooling around" thing is over with & was a one-time event, I say you should strongly consider going for it. She's not just your prospective "legal" wife - she's the mother of your kids & always will be.

Otherwise you need to just cut your losses (emotional & financial) walk-away, write your child support checks, give up half your stuff (if she asks for it or sues), admit your failure, live with it.
 
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If you're this unsure don't marry her. Any twinge of a doubt, don't marry her. What she (and you) did in the past is likely to be the future behavior.

Can you live with that? If not, think about how complicated extricating yourself from it later on will be.
 
Fed, Texarkandy has some excellent points, as does Dangermouse.
You do need to "find yourself" (heck, we all do), but that does not excuse you from being an active participant in the lives of your (I'm going to call her your wife, because she's been that--remember I'm from SC, one of those famous common-law states and your butt would be 'married' here) wife and children.

She may be more religious than she says to you--if she works at a church, you bet she is certainly more religious than you, and the lack of a ceremony WILL mean something to her, whether she admits it to you or not.

Own up to your past, then let it go--go to the counseling, pay attention, and do your homework (including the prenup, if that is what you need to have to feel safe). But stand up for the promises you've made and be a honorable man and father to your family. Because that is what you are collectively, a family.

While I am not particularly religious (having been to church only to get married), I don't think having some sort of "higher power" thinking in your life would be a detriment, and might just be an obvious outgrowth of your trying to find yourself.

1) counseling
2) follow-through on what you learn in counseling, and if it is "don't get married", then, well, don't get married. But give this project the time and attention it deserves.

Good luck to you Fed, I think you are growing into a fine man, because you are asking questions and considering consequences of your actions, possibly for the first time in your life. But a crucial part of that is owning up to your past failures and being responsible for mistakes--you are the reason you are a felon. And that is okay, but own up to it. Like others have said, stop blaming her for it.
 
ERD50 said:
Ummm, then why did you have two kids with her? If you can't forgive her, then you are saying you can't have a relationship with her, whether that relationship is called 'marriage' or not.

And why is that important?

I have heard this rationale before. You are unwilling to take responsibility for your own mistakes. *You* were involved in the illegal activity - but when *you* get ripped off as a result, it wasn't your fault, oh no! - it was 'her fault' for having a big mouth! And you can't forgive her. You are a big man fed (satire). geez. Grow up.

Or maybe she does?

Sorry fed, but from what you say, it sounds like you still are all those things.

I can understand cold feet, but you have two kids - you should have listened to your cold feet before you made that commitment.

Take it to Dr Phil.

You're Welcome!

-ERD50
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What he/she said. (Just repeating it so you get another shot at it.)
 
You have my sympathy for having to deal with some very difficult decisions (in addition to the three-way switch thing). Hope you find a good solution.
 
Random thoughts...

Girlfriend of 8 years? Man, I think you need someone a little older!

You dont trust her, and whether you've got reason or not, mistrust is a poor foundation for any sort of relationship.

You screwed up by having children with someone that according to your tale, doesnt respect you and is untrustworthy. A women that sporks another guy in your bed, then tries to rip you off, then calls you into the cops seems like a poor choice for a mate and mother of your children.

Weddings have very little to do with the guy. You're just required to show up. Maybe even that is optional, i'm not sure.

It doesnt seem to me that a wedding or even further continuation of the relationship is a bright idea. Your only issue is deciding whether you want to try to stay fully engaged with your kids and eat a lot of **** as the consequence of being in a bad relationship or cut the cord now and be a part time peripheral influence on the kids.

Key message here is the mistake has already been made, all thats left is to clean up the results and figure out what level of compromise you're going to make.
 
Flat out , past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. Whether or not you trust someone has nothing to do with how they are going to behave. How they behaved in the past is a greater indicator than how you feel or think about their behavior. If a person cheated once, it is likely they will cheat again. It is part of their nature to behave in that manner. There may be mitigating factors, like you were believed dead in a plane crash, but they would be far and few between.

If they cheat again, they are highly likely to continue that behavior. You contradict yourself when you say you trust her now, but that you do not believe she came clean about the second person you believe she cheated with.

You should have run before the children were born. You need to see a lawyer before doing anything else. You have obligations, one of those is to protect yourself, another is to protect the children. Prior to asking whether she will walk if you refuse marriage, you need to know how this will impact not only yourself but the children.

A good mother models integrity and commitment. So too does a good father. The children will form a major portion of their character from their experiences prior to age 6. The behaviors they will mimic are so subtle that you may not be aware you or the mother are modeling them.

If I thought the woman had cheated twice, I would be looking at the cost of DNA testing versus the cost of child support. Twice may just be the tip of the iceberg.

Before anyone says anything about my being too negative about the woman, I would say the same thing if she asked me about the likely hood of future illegal behavior on the fed's part should the pressure be high enough.
 
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Even the title says so much: 'girlfriend', why not 'Mother of my Children'?

-ERD50
 
ERD50 said:
Even the title says so much: 'girlfriend', why not 'Mother of my Children'?
Click to expand...
Good point. Just saying "girlfriend" makes it easier to sound like you can justify not doing it and leaving her.

Remembering that she is also the mother of your children means that decision can't be made so cavalierly.
 
If you want relationship advice, I'm not the guy...

But I'd add 1% to REWahoo's number.
 
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