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Old 03-11-2019, 03:00 PM   #41
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I have a different perspective. If the kids buy the place across the street - you will be able to get help FROM them as you get older.

Here's the basis for my thoughts. My MIL was caretaker for my wheelchair bound FIL. We built a detached granny flat so that we could offer them assistance without having to get on an airplane. My kids were 6 and 8 years old when the in-laws moved to the granny flat for part of each year. MIL (and FIL) did not do *any* babysitting. Sometimes MIL would phone up to our house and ask if one of the kids could come down and play cards with FIL. But we only sent the kids down without us at MIL's request. We had a family meal with all of us at our house 2x/week... and one at the granny flat 2x week. We respected each other's privacy and had boundaries.

Look at this long term... there may be more in it for YOU than you realize. None of us are getting younger.
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Old 03-11-2019, 03:47 PM   #42
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I have a different perspective. If the kids buy the place across the street - you will be able to get help FROM them as you get older.
Or, maybe they will move far away by then....
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Old 03-11-2019, 04:28 PM   #43
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IMOLDERNU, great post. You are my forum hero. I so enjoy your posts and experiences.
Keep them coming!
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Grandchildren
Old 03-15-2019, 05:21 PM   #44
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Grandchildren

Oh, how I wish had been blessed with grandchildren. My only child passed away. I am so heartbroken. I say enjoy the kids/grands/greats with every fiber of your being. Life is so unpredictable and can be heartbreaking at times.
I wish you all the best and I feel that you are so blessed to have your children/grandchildren...no matter how close or how far they live from you. Enjoy every day that you can with them. [/B]
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Old 03-15-2019, 05:30 PM   #45
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We retired and moved to the same town as our DS, DIL and 3 of 5 grandkids. By coincidence it’s the same area my wife and I grew up in, so it seemed a little like moving home. We are about 1 mile from the kids and during the school years we see kids at least once a week and do random babysitting. Our house has a pool and some of our grandsons buddies live on our street, so during the summer we will end up with what seems like half the kids on our street in our backyard. Already starting to see the 12 year old drifting away. But loved the last 3 years and would make the same move again.
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Old 03-15-2019, 07:20 PM   #46
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Oh, how I wish had been blessed with grandchildren. My only child passed away. I am so heartbroken. I say enjoy the kids/grands/greats with every fiber of your being. Life is so unpredictable and can be heartbreaking at times.
I wish you all the best and I feel that you are so blessed to have your children/grandchildren...no matter how close or how far they live from you. Enjoy every day that you can with them.
I am so sorry for your loss. Not many events in life more heartbreaking for a parent than to outlive their children.

Our only child moved from CA to TX about three years ago after visiting TX a second time on business. Has wanted us to move to TX to be nearby. We are a close threesome. Friends of my wife and I were envious as their children moved to get away from them, or at a minimum would prefer the parents not follow.

I really didn't want to move to TX (primarily because of the weather), but we did last fall because of our child. We're about 25-30 minutes away. Close enough to visit any time, although our kid is busy at work and needs the off time for shopping, cleaning, socializing with others, etc., so we usually plan visits every 2-3 weeks.

I may come to loathe the TX heat, but I will never regret moving near our child.
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Old 03-15-2019, 08:13 PM   #47
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Our oldest daughter and 3 grandkids (8-12) live 1800 miles from us. We are planning to retire and move near them this year. My daughter would like us to purchase a house with her and live with them. We would only consider it if we had our own apartment on the property. They would be okay with us actually living in the house with them, but that’s a little too close for me. We are considering this option to be available to help our daughter out. Our son-in-law committed suicide 4 years ago and we know she’d really appreciate our help and support. I never thought this is what we’d be doing this in our retirement, but so much for predicting the future. lol
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Old 03-15-2019, 09:47 PM   #48
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My in laws were a few miles away. Our kids literally got on the bus in the morning at our house and got off the bus in the afternoon at mamaw’s and papaw’s. DW would pick the kids up after work and usually have dinner with her parents and our kids. I was kind of a loaner and worker and that situation worked well for me. Now it’s my turn. My daughter and three grandkids are about 10 min away and we see then frequently. In fact, we helped daughter get a house and then a few years and a few kids later, we moved from our house of 26 years to be closer to DD and grandkids.

Yes, sometimes it’s a pain, yes they take a bit out of us and it’s nice when they go home, sometimes we get the “can you pick up the kids” call from DD and yes, there has been issues. But I’m also getting to be a part of my grandkids lives. Oldest comes over and rides the mower and I hope I’ll have some positive influence on him becoming a good man. Middle grandson is taking a class I signed him up for. Makes me proud I can give him exposure to something he would not otherwise have. And dearest granddaughter at just over three years old is the highlight of my day.

We currently are taking care of mother in law (mamaw). Papaw passed and it hurt to watch how much it hurt my daughters, but they truly loved him. DD with grandkids just came over today and even though mamaw doesn’t even comprehend that’s it’s her 85th birthday, she brought a cake and we sang happy birthday. Other daughter made sure to call. I respect my daughters so much for the love and respect they show their grandparents. That would not have happened had we not moved close to them 26+ years ago. I hope my grandkids develop the same for me and DW. It’s a good thing but it obviously has ups and downs along the way.

To the OP, in my younger years, I might have felt more like you are feeling. Close but not too close. Now, I say let it happen. It will take you out of your comfort zone, but it will be a good experience for you. I never thought it would be but when I see four generations in my house, mamaw, DW, DD and granddaughter, I’m proud to have been a part of all of their lives.
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Old 03-15-2019, 10:39 PM   #49
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Our daughter and son-in-law have 3 wonderful children, ages 7 and under. They live about 30 minutes away from us and we generally see them a couple of times a week, and the grandkids will often sleep over. They are very high energy kids and while I love seeing them, they can be both physically and emotionally draining and I must admit that after spending a day or two with us I'm usually glad to see them go so that I can get some peaceful "alone time".

They are currently renting a house and are considering moving and possibly purchasing a home in the next few months. A house recently came on the market that is almost directly across the street from us that they have shown some interest in. I have to admit that the thought of them being that close, where they would likely be at our house daily, sounds overwhelming to me. I am a more private person than DW and prefer to have some boundaries. 15-30 away seems reasonable, across the street, or even on the same block? I don't think so.

I think DW would have no problem with them that close, and in fact might prefer it, so without coming across as a jerk and saying I want a little more distance, it's probably best to stay quiet and hope that they find a place not quite so close.

So, I know everyone is different, and it's all a matter of personal preference, but I'm curious how others would feel about this? How close do your kids/grandkids live to you? What do you consider reasonable? What would you do in my situation?
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Old 03-16-2019, 06:19 AM   #50
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This thread really hits home. We went for about 10 years of daughter in London where three of four GC were born, and all were raised until they moved to DC four years ago, now aged 5,7,9, and 11. Meanwhile son lived in Tanzania where his two sons spent their first years, they returned to city hour away from us now, moved in September. So visits to GC 1-2 times a year entailed a trip from NC to London then Africa, total of 19 hours flight time plus layovers and 4 hour landrover trips!

So I'm writing this from DD house in DC, it was a tolerable 5.5 hour drive (for of all things grandparents day at two of the boys school). Yesterday we got the final message from DS that his wife got her dream job of tenure track professor...in our current city of ~300,000. We know that given school needs, recreation opportunity, and general housing they will end up within a few miles of us or very possibly in same general neighborhood.

We've already had a couple of emergency calls to make the drive for childcare down to current place that were OK but something we don't want to do frequently. DS may have to travel a lot and we can see us being called on a lot. However, we intend to be very up front in laying out what is and is not acceptable. We built an addition for MIL and I deeply regret we never laid out ground rules, like DW and I going out for dinner WITHOUT her weekly(passed away 4 years ago so no longer part of the group). I do think if this next situation began to evolve into something unacceptable to us, we could put a stop to it. The deal with the MIL was more like a slippery slope we couldn't escape. We have a very good relationship w DS so wouldn't have an issue with saying, "Hey, this ain't working you gotta find other daycare arrangements (for when you travel or whatever)." I know, time will tell.

So as we approach this it will really be strange to have them so close but we know that for us it could quickly become too close. We're 68 and don't need help nor do we want to become dependent on kids for older times, we have money for that.
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Old 03-16-2019, 06:19 AM   #51
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I hear you. Our kids/grandkids are all within 20 minutes. I love my grands, however, I , too, am pooped after spending the days with them. But, they are only little for such a short time, and then they are teenagers off with their friends, and you most likely will not see them as much.
If it were me, I wouldn't say anything and let your DD and SIL purchase their house on their own. If they happen to move across the street and your worst fears come to pass, it would be reasonable to set boundaries with visitation time if you absolutely had too.
Continue to live your retirement as planned, go travel, etc.and enjoy the fact that your kids want to be in your life and be close. Time flies far too quickly
I appreciate your take on this situation. My wife and I are contemplating leaving our home state for another one with less taxes and corrupt government. She thinks that moving "closer to the daughter" would be great. I, however, believe that I would lose my freedom and quiet time. I have often wondered if this was not selfish of me. Now I see that many feel as I do. I agree that time DOES fly by.
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Old 03-16-2019, 08:42 AM   #52
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How would you like to roll over in bed and have your granddaughter there every morning?

We have permanent custody of our 7 year old Brynley, and we never planned on raising another child in our retirement. Her mother has serious behavioral issues.

But we love the child to death and she excels in a very demanding private school. We do get tired of helping with the homework 3 nights a week, however.

We just pray for good health and that she becomes more resourceful and self assured in the future. We'll be pushing late 70s when she gets out of high school.
I would probably love it.

Don't worry, she will before you blink. She may be more attached because of her situation.

Re the homework, can you afford a good tutor once a week, for the subject that takes the most time? (Not that she "needs" a tutor, but it may give you and your DW a bit of a break.)
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Old 03-18-2019, 06:45 PM   #53
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Had to laugh as I read this thread. Our daughter went thru a bad divorce over 2 years ago. Financially ruined (along with everything else a divorce hands you) and no help from her ex, so we had her move in to our 2 bedroom condo along with her 2 kids. We love them all dearly and glad we could help. But the 6 month help we expected to give has turned in to 2+ years of housing them and being the day-to-day child care service. In fact, my wife and I on vacation this week and have our 2 grand kids with us. Love them and life would be strange without them, but man are we tired!
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Old 03-18-2019, 06:50 PM   #54
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My three grandkids are five minutes away by car, about a mile. It has been so nice. They are very good with boundaries (son and DIL) and I try to do the same. It's been very convenient fo many things, especially when I help with the kids, dogs, or house. But across the street would be too close for comfort.
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Old 03-18-2019, 07:27 PM   #55
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Den, that’s sad for your daughter. Is there a possibility to help her get into low income housing? 2 years is a long time. I think I would pay for child care so I could get away for a vacation. You guys are good parents/grandparents.
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Old 03-18-2019, 08:46 PM   #56
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I have no grandchildren as my oldest daughter passed away at 22 years old and the second one, now in her late 30's, doesn't want children. She's married to a great guy that has a 12 year old son with shared custody. He's a great young guy, but doesn't see me as a "grandfather", and that's OK.

Both my daughters were from my ex wife.

I married DW 20 years ago after my divorce and she was a divorcee also. She has three children from her previous marriage and three grandchildren who are now out on their own. I was around for the grandchildren when they were younger, but not really in a true a "grandfather" role, but we were close (and still are).

Now DW has a great grandson!

Somehow, I feel I missed a good chunk of family life, but divorces do that sometimes.
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Old 03-18-2019, 09:41 PM   #57
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Not everyone wants kids. My 3 kids don’t. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. My best friend lost her 19 years old daughter.
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Old 03-19-2019, 05:50 PM   #58
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Our daughter and son-in-law have 3 wonderful children, ages 7 and under. They live about 30 minutes away from us and we generally see them a couple of times a week, and the grandkids will often sleep over. They are very high energy kids and while I love seeing them, they can be both physically and emotionally draining and I must admit that after spending a day or two with us I'm usually glad to see them go so that I can get some peaceful "alone time".

They are currently renting a house and are considering moving and possibly purchasing a home in the next few months. A house recently came on the market that is almost directly across the street from us that they have shown some interest in. I have to admit that the thought of them being that close, where they would likely be at our house daily, sounds overwhelming to me. I am a more private person than DW and prefer to have some boundaries. 15-30 away seems reasonable, across the street, or even on the same block? I don't think so.

I think DW would have no problem with them that close, and in fact might prefer it, so without coming across as a jerk and saying I want a little more distance, it's probably best to stay quiet and hope that they find a place not quite so close.

So, I know everyone is different, and it's all a matter of personal preference, but I'm curious how others would feel about this? How close do your kids/grandkids live to you? What do you consider reasonable? What would you do in my situation?
I'd consider moving. Just sayin'
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Old 03-19-2019, 05:53 PM   #59
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That's an honest and true assessment. Still ...

DW is now pointing out how TRUE that is. I should quit reading these to her...
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:09 PM   #60
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How close is too close for a grandkid?

How about next to you in bed--a 7 year old granddaughter. We have permanent custody of her, and really enjoy every minute of this precious child. God has given us this child, and she's really flourishing.

We're very fortunate.
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