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Had issue with a neighbor, need advice
01-14-2013, 10:01 AM
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#1
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gone traveling
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 3
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Had issue with a neighbor, need advice
Back in October, I got into a blow out with a neighbor who lives across the street. Without getting into specifics, I did a lot of name calling, swore, yelled etc. The neighbor remained relatively calm. I also called the cops.
A few days later, I realized that I was way out of line and was thinking of apologizing but did not want to go over and enter their property unannounced so I figured I would wait until I could catch the neighbor on the street. Well, 3 months went by before I saw the neighbor getting out of their car parked across the street and just as he was to walk in his yard, I called out that I wanted to apologize, but the neighbor kept walking very fast and went right into his house, totally ignoring me, so I never got a chance to explain myself.
I now feel like I lowered myself and wondered if I just should have not tried to apologize since nothing really came of it. I feel like an idiot.
Just looking for advice. Thanks
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01-14-2013, 10:06 AM
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#2
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Moderator
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Flyover country
Posts: 25,157
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikec
thinking of apologizing but did not want to go over and enter their property unannounced so I figured I would wait until I could catch the neighbor on the street.
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Telephones can be very useful. So can letters in the mail.
It's certainly not too late to use one of those means of communication if you want to avoid a face to face confrontation.
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01-14-2013, 10:11 AM
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#3
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,581
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Just my two cents, but I think your neighbor is probably avoiding any situation where there would be a potential for face-to-face contact with you. You may want to try emailing this person or writing a nice apology note in a letter and dropping it in their mailbox.
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01-14-2013, 10:12 AM
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#4
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Central MS/Orange Beach, AL
Posts: 9,067
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He must be somewhat leery of you. Perhaps you could just drop him a note explaining you hoped to apologize sooner, but hadn't seen him. I would say you feel bad for what happened that day and just wanted to let him know. He might not ever respond but at least you could gain some peace.
Best of luck.
__________________
Retired 3/31/2007@52
Investing style: Full time wuss.
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01-14-2013, 10:19 AM
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#5
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,610
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawg52
He must be somewhat leery of you. Perhaps you could just drop him a note explaining you hoped to apologize sooner, but hadn't seen him. I would say you feel bad for what happened that day and just wanted to let him know. He might not ever respond but at least you could gain some peace.
Best of luck.
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+1
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01-14-2013, 10:21 AM
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#6
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 17,773
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikec
Back in October, I got into a blow out with a neighbor who lives across the street. Without getting into specifics, I did a lot of name calling, swore, yelled etc. The neighbor remained relatively calm. I also called the cops.
A few days later, I realized that I was way out of line ....
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I would be scared to death of you forever (and would never get over your calling the police on me). I think you should just chalk this up to a life lesson and limit yourself to a friendly wave from across the street if you see him.
__________________
“Would you like an adventure now, or would you like to have your tea first?” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
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01-14-2013, 10:25 AM
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#7
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,983
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawg52
He must be somewhat leery of you. Perhaps you could just drop him a note explaining you hoped to apologize sooner, but hadn't seen him. I would say you feel bad for what happened that day and just wanted to let him know. He might not ever respond but at least you could gain some peace.
Best of luck.
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+ 1. Not infrequently we read about some neighbor losing his cool and shooting a neighbor he is annoyed with.
If I were your neighbor, I would be considering moving, and I would be in no mood to engage you.
I am not sure what is best to do, at this point maybe just keep to yourself and be sure your behavior can always be seen as nonthreatening. Almost anything you do may be perceived as violating a boundary that he feels must be there. If he has a wife and children they may be terrified.
Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
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01-14-2013, 11:04 AM
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#8
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: SF East Bay
Posts: 4,321
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+1 to the idea of writing a letter to let your neighbor know that you realize you were in the wrong. It may be too much to expect that he will talk to you again, but it may help him to no longer see you as a threat.
If it were me, I would write a letter to apologize, and then carry on with my life.
__________________
Contentedly ER, with 3 furry friends (now, sadly, 1).
Planning my escape to the wide open spaces in my campervan (with my remaining kitty, of course!)
On a mission to become the world's second most boring man.
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01-14-2013, 11:05 AM
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#9
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Fair Lawn
Posts: 2,936
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Since you wanted to apologize, and the first attempt to do so wasn't successful, I think you should make another attempt. As others noted, a written apology - dropped in his mailbox or actually mailed - or email or whatever else might work. If the second attempt is likewise futile, you can sleep at night knowing you made the good-faith effort.
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01-14-2013, 11:08 AM
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#10
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Full time employment: Posting here.
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 526
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Major Tom
+1 to the idea of writing a letter to let your neighbor know that you realize you were in the wrong. It may be too much to expect that he will talk to you again, but it may help him to no longer see you as a threat.
If it were me, I would write a letter to apologize, and then carry on with my life.
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+1
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01-14-2013, 11:11 AM
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#11
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Moderator
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 14,140
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I agree with the others that a written apology is a good approach.
Make sure you admit you were wrong. That you are culpable. That goes a long way towards giving your apology some credibility.
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01-14-2013, 12:20 PM
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#12
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 118
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikec
I now feel like I lowered myself and wondered if I just should have not tried to apologize since nothing really came of it. I feel like an idiot.
Just looking for advice. Thanks
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Mike,
I'd definitely send that letter. You may never get an acknowledgement much less any friendly waves but that isn't the point. To say you now feel somewhat in the wrong doesn't even strike me as the major issue. Rather, the sort of negative encounter you describe can create a pervasive sense of unease. For both families. No one needs that kind of stress where they live.
So mail that letter. There's no need to go into details or admit any wrongdoing if you feel uneasy about putting stuff in writing. Can just leave it at you wish the incident had not occurred. Could say something like you've learned to count to 10 before reacting. And that should there ever be an emergency and/or help needed in the future you will be a good neighbor. Maybe finish with a sentence saying no response is needed.
Everylady
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01-14-2013, 12:27 PM
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#13
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 90
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The fact you waited for 3 months shows you are not serious about apologizing. If I were your neighbor I would called the police once you come near my property. Maybe is easier if you send your wife over to calm the situation.
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01-14-2013, 12:28 PM
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#14
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 118
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Oh, and Mike, one more thing.
After sending the letter, make it clear you aren't trying to engage in any way. When you see them in the street I'd raise my hand in a friendly greeting but lower my head, keep moving and try not to make eye contact. At this point it's all about defusing tension.
Just my thoughts ...
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01-14-2013, 12:32 PM
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#15
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: SF East Bay
Posts: 4,321
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hlfo718
The fact you waited for 3 months shows you are not serious about apologizing. If I were your neighbor I would called the police once you come near my property. Maybe is easier if you send your wife over to calm the situation.
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Not necessarily. An apology that comes too quickly may appear to not be heartfelt or truly thought-out. Besides, it is never too late for an apology.
__________________
Contentedly ER, with 3 furry friends (now, sadly, 1).
Planning my escape to the wide open spaces in my campervan (with my remaining kitty, of course!)
On a mission to become the world's second most boring man.
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01-14-2013, 12:33 PM
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#16
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 118
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hlfo718
The fact you waited for 3 months shows you are not serious about apologizing. If I were your neighbor I would called the police once you come near my property. Maybe is easier if you send your wife over to calm the situation.
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Yes. At this point the issue isn't so much apologizing so *you* feel better. It's more letting the other family know you've come to your senses so to speak. A necessary gesture to give *them* some peace of mind.
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01-14-2013, 01:09 PM
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#17
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,983
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I have learned to be wary of people's so called apologies. Many of them are just one more gambit, like making the malefactor feel better. Which in my opinion is not a very important goal. And if you are going to send a letter, stay the heck away from his house and mailbox. He feels that you are a loose cannon. If you send a letter, use US mail. And if you plan to send a letter that carefully avoids accepting respnsibility, don't bother. He will see through it. Probably this is a done deal, and it will change when one of you moves away
Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
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01-14-2013, 01:16 PM
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#18
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Chattanooga
Posts: 3,871
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I can't imagine any issue that would require me to yell or curse at my neighbor, and I have had a number of neighbors in my life, some good some no so good. I can't really respond without knowing what on earth triggered the event ? That fact that he stayed calm while you blew a gasket shows some discpline and maturity on his part.
That said, man up, grow up and ask to meet him in a neutral place and apologize face to face. Email or snail mail just would not show true sincerity on your part, IMHO.
You may want to seek counselling for anger issues as well.
__________________
Earning money is an action, saving money is a behavior, growing money takes a well diversified portfolio and the discipline to ignore market swings.
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01-14-2013, 01:56 PM
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#19
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: North Scottsdale
Posts: 1,545
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me thinks you scared the crap out of him.
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FIRE'D in July 2009 at 51...Never look back!
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01-14-2013, 02:31 PM
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#20
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Columbia, SC
Posts: 1,131
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Look at it from your neighbor's perspective. A guy curses you out and makes trouble. Then a few months later wants to make contact with you. I am sure the guy has you figured as trash. Leopards don't change their spots.
__________________
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." Ashleigh Brilliant
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