Happy Marriages (the un-divorce thread)

[joeea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliKid What works for the success of your marriage?

We are celebrating 40 years this year. They haven't all been bliss, but I wouldn't trade any of them.

I was extremely lucky that I found someone who viewed the world the same way I did (financially and otherwise) and who was willing to put up with me for the long haul. I am lucky enough to be married to my best friend.

We both worked hard, did without when necessary, but always enjoyed life along the way.

I've been retired a few years and she is currently planning to retire next year.

We are both looking forward to the next phase of our lives together. Life is good.

[YVRRocketSurgery]

13 years of marriage, together for close to 20. Our keys:

Putting up with each other's crap. That's kind of a crude way of putting it but I'm not perfect and she's not perfect. And sometimes it's as simple as just being able to accept, if not embrace, each other's faults sometimes.

Solid financial foundation. Both having reasonable paying jobs and not being too heavy of spenders helped provide us with a stable financial footing right off the bat so money didn't become a common source of friction.

Sharing similar core values and the majority of goals. It helps we're on the same page on things but we do have some friction when some of our goals aren't aligned. This is also one of the largest risks IMO because if you're with
someone for so long, I don't see it being outside the realm of possibility for your values and goals to potentially diverge over time.

[Midpack]

We've been married for 38 years, and we've been lucky in that it's impossible to know who may drift apart over a lifetime. We're alike in some ways, but complimentary in others. We do a lot together, but we both have some activities and friends not in common. I think it's healthier that we have lives and identities of our own (as well as together).

Two adages come to mind:

“Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.”

'To have a great spouse/partner/friend, you have to be a great spouse/partner/friend.' (paraphrasing)

[Winemaker]

35, this November.

Ya only get out of it what ya put in to it.

[JoeWras]

I think letting the partner drive sometimes helps.

She always lets me drive the remote control. Very important. She's come to like some of my programs.

I've let her drive some of our concert choices. Currently, some classical. I hate classical. Oh wait... No I don't! I've come to like it!

[Bestwifeever]

Pretty sure we just made each other laugh and we had great chemistry. We didn't think or plan beyond that.

[Which Roger]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Midpack “Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.”

Bingo. The key to a successful marriage is to marry the right person. For me, that took learning from some near-misses (i.e., relationships that were mostly good but had one fatal flaw) then when the right person finally came along, I was able to see it.

[Freedom56]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliKid What works for the success of your marriage?

We have been together just over 27 years and married just over 25 years. She took my breath away the first time we met and she still does. A successful marriage is all about family, communications, going out and having fun, being physically active. All marriages have ups and downs, but people just need to work through their problems. Long marriages are rare in California and many other places. People just give up too easily or marry for the wrong reasons.

Marriage isn't for everyone. Many women and men I have known since grade school never married. They are all successful professionals, but I guess never met the right person. They seem to be happy too.

[Teacher Terry]

I married young and it only lasted 3 years. I married again and stayed for 22 years until the last kid was 18. I dragged him to counseling numerous time but in the end it was a life sentence and I got out. I swore I would never marry again. I met my current husband and let him know I had no plans to marry. After 5 years of living together I changed my mind. We have been happily together for 20 years. Yes it comes down to figuring out who is the right person. Also every marriage hits rough patches but if the marriage is good it is much easier to work through them.

[Koogie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nemo2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sidx...dxJz94Svs&t=38

Counterpoint ! .....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmMinSOWKQk

[Car-Guy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Midpack “Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.” (paraphrasing)

This thread and the adage above makes me stop and think about who I could have married. Absolutely scares the bejeebers out of me "now" to imagine how a couple of those would have likely turned out. Glad I thought those through with the "head" God gave me on my shoulders.

[imoldernu]

60 years as of 6 days ago. Four sons who are older than many here on ER.

...But that pales into insignificance compared to our close friends who are 97 and 98, and have been married for 77 happy years. DW jeanie's bridge group, and usually winners. Has taken a while, but I'm learning from Kelly who attributes his happy marriage with this wise comment:

"Helen is always right!"

[Teacher Terry]

M FIL had 2 long very happy marriages. Both his wives died. He always said a happy marriage was one in which the wife made all the little decisions and him the big ones. Then he would say so far there haven't been any big ones)

[jollystomper]

Dw and I have been married for 35 years. One key aspect that has helped our marriage - TRUST. This is not the same as Love. I noticed, from a man's standpoint, many guys who said they loved their wives/girlfriends even while behaving in untrustworthy manners. I saw, in DW's family, the lack of trust that existed among them, and how important trust was to her. That took me probably a good 10 years into our marriage to figure out.

Another key aspect - we learned to not complain about each other to other people. Building good communications can help minimize this, as it makes it easier to take out differences. But we also saw a surprising number of people who essentially were happy to hear us complain even help us justifying continuing to complain, as if they were glad to think that our marriage had problems. And even worse... some who felt this was a "signal" that we were looking for "something else", and started showing that they were interested in being that "something else".

[Bestwifeever]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jollystomper Another key aspect - we learned to not complain about each other to other people.

Yes x 10–it is so tiresome to listen to and it makes the complainer look worse. Also sniping at each other in public is not at all productive.

[skipro33]

43 years we've been married. Met at 16 in high school and married at 18 after I joined the service. We've often been asked how our marriage has been so successful. If I had to narrow it down, I'd have to say three things;
1. Marry young before you become set in your ways. We weren't ever really on our own so there was never really any compromise when we set up house.
2. Move FAR away from parents. Especially hers. I was stationed in Mississippi and we moved from California. We were broke, but not poor and really we had to work it out. It was swim or swim. To sink would have meant being all on your own, thousands of miles away from family without the funds to find a way back. Failure was just not an option.
3. Marriage is 100/100. You either give 100% of yourself to this other person, or you compromise. Marriage isn't a compromise, it's 100% x 2. Something greater than equal. The total commitment to this other person and the total trust that they have your best interests over their own 100% has been our formula for our wedded bliss. There is nothing we don't do for each other and we don't wait to be asked either. If she strips the bed and I see the sheets on the floor, I pick them up and put them in the washer. If she comes home and needs to sit down for a bit before fixing dinner, I fix dinner. No comparing who is more tired than who, she's tired and that's all that matters. We take care of each other and in so doing, our needs are also met with 100% commitment, willingness and eagerness.

Some day one of us will outlive the other. I can't imagine how the other will carry on, but I do think we are soul mates and we'll continue to always be able to communicate with each other.

[97guns]

Only 3 years into my first marriage to a woman on her second with an 8 year old son, was a little choppy out of the gate but everything has been great since, I’m Thailand now to bring her son back to the states and I will adopt him.

I focused on finances too much early on and not so much on relationships

[ejman]

48 years here. First one for both of us. What makes it work? Easy - she's my best friend.

[hesperus]

Happily married to my first and only wife for 11 years. First marriage for both of us, we married later in life which has certainly been a good choice for me. She's also younger than me by about a decade.
When asked about our age difference, I always say marry a younger woman - they tell shorter life stories
Seriously, she is my best friend, too.

[Jerry1]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freedom56 People just give up too easily . . .

While there are certainly many marriages that are justified in ending, I think the above is too often true. Thus one key to a long marriage is to keep trying.

Been married 37 years in a couple days and I’m not sure how we make it work. I think one big key is two people that naturally get together (marry the right person).

My take on marriage, for me, is that after the early years and after the kids, I have more love and respect for DW than ever. When you stick it out, you grow together. Great for those who start off great together, but for me, it took time. Sure, the infatuation love is gone, but the connection is far stronger today than ever.