Has anyone experienced this with a surviving parent?

[irishgal]

I cannot thank all of you enough for all of your thoughtful and well written responses.

Each one has been helpful and has made me feel less alone and crazy.

I'm sorry for others who have gone through this as well.


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[Act2]

And I am sorry for your loss.


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[Moemg]

Irish Gal , I am so sorry for your loss .Losing a parent is awful without the extras that you are dealing with . Take Care .

 

[Souschef]

I am so sorry for all your losses. My dad passed away in 1993, and it was as if my mom was released to spread her wings. Unfortunately, as she aged, she developed some problems and needed 24 hour care.
My sister, bless her, handled all the arrangements, and when my mom's money ran low, she had to sell stock that was promised to my nieces.
i was willing to help financially with her support, but I refused to subsidize my nieces who were both well off.
When all the stock was sold, then i did contribute to her care.

 

[Buckeye]

I cannot thank all of you enough for all of your thoughtful and well written responses.

Each one has been helpful and has made me feel less alone and crazy.

I'm sorry for others who have gone through this as well.


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Bottom line, you don't get to pick your family. My father married 4 times and deserted 3 wives with children. I'm not even sure he was divorced from wife #2 when he married my mother. Not a guy I would have spent any time with although that was never an issue since he never wanted to be found and have to pay child support.

 

[akck]

DW went through this when her mother died in her mid 50's. Her father informed both daughters that he wasn't going to live alone for long after the funeral. True to his word, he married 10 months later, with us meeting his bride at the wedding. While all her clothes were removed quickly, the house decor went over the following 3 years.

One thing to be prepared for is that her family will take priority over you and your sister. We lived a plane ride away and many times, it was inconvenient for us to visit during our vacations. I figured that if he died first, her family would get most of any inheritance. My wife wasn't ready for her father to remarry so quickly, so there was some friction with the new wife.

They were together for 20+ years and both passed away last year. She went first a month after having a stroke. He had a small stroke the day after she died. He did the same thing, clearing her clothes out quickly. He also took her name off of any property over the following weeks. He then went on to have several more strokes, eventually putting him in a care facility where he lasted 3 months.

So just be prepared for something similar to happen and do as others have suggested. You can't change how he'll act and if you try, it will negatively affect your relationship.


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[pb4uski]

I'm sorry for your loss. I wonder if your parents were stuck in a loveless marriage of convenience. In any event it is heartbreaking. +1 with others... while you love your dad it sounds like he is going to be hard to deal with so I would keep my distance for my own sanity. And be sympathetic to his new servant... she probably will not know what she is getting into before it is too late. But what he'll find out is that if a woman isn't economically dependent on him that she will not put up with abuse so it may be a revolving door from her on out.

MIL had a charming suitor of such ilk chasing her after FIL died.

 

[kcowan]

MIL was a model wife until FIL died, then she was happy living alone and said she had no desire to wash another man's underwear.

I think women of her generation just had to sleep in the bed they had made for themselves. She was very demanding of DW in her latter years but we figured she had earned the right to do so.

 

[Sue J]

My Dad was 100% devoted to Mom, through many episodes of her depression and medication problems. They were married 61 years and she was 83 when she died suddenly at home, with him right there with her. I met them in the Emergency Room and the first thing he said to me was, "I'm not sad, this solves a big problem for me" which I thought was so cold. The day after the funeral he wanted my sister and I to come to their apartment and get rid of all her things.

We were still processing her sudden death and just beginning to understand mourning and he just wanted all her personal things out of his space. My sister and I met at the apartment and started going through her things, remembering her in this dress and wearing that scarf, etc. He didn't help at all, we had to make all the decisions. Four hours into this he came into the bedroom and said we needed to finish already, he had plans to go out.

We kept very little and all of my Mom's things were donated or thrown away that day.

What I didn't understand back then, but understand today is that she had been a bigger burden on him than we realized and that he was having more trouble handling it than we knew.

Two weeks later he broke his hip, had surgery and rehab but has never been the same. After 3 1/2 years in an assisted living facility, last month we moved him to a hospice facility. He is almost 90, in a wheelchair, almost completely deaf, has some dementia but still knows me when I visit and knows how many minutes until the next meal.

Such a sad ending to a long, loving marriage.

 

[irishgal]

Thanks again everyone.

Here's a bit of a laugh- my sister and I were going through a trash bag of moms clothes that my dad was walking out to the trash with. We found 2k in hundreds stuffed inside a sock. Go mom. Did not tell dad. Just split it.


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[Nemo2]

Thanks again everyone.

Here's a bit of a laugh- my sister and I were going through a trash bag of moms clothes that my dad was walking out to the trash with. We found 2k in hundreds stuffed inside a sock. Go mom. Did not tell dad. Just split it.


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[Brat]

Thanks again everyone.

Here's a bit of a laugh- my sister and I were going through a trash bag of moms clothes that my dad was walking out to the trash with. We found 2k in hundreds stuffed inside a sock. Go mom. Did not tell dad. Just split it.


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My Mom always told me that a woman should have 'mad money' stashed away that her husband knows nothing about. You should do a

 

[cyber888]

I'm sorry, but in this situation - please do not judge your Dad. His anger could be his frustration that his life-long partner is passing away, and that he realized he has been too dependent on her and could not do away with her. With the terminal illness of your Mom, maybe he is just too sad that he really needs a companion. Being alone in old age is a big bummer for anyone. His asking you to get her clothes out of the house, could be because it is too painful to see reminders of your Mom. So, I would be happy for my Dad if he found a new companion and somehow moved on. He is still living, after all - and can't dwell in the past. I mean sure - he could have 2 or 3 girlfriends if he wanted. Without your Mom, his life could be a huge empty vacuum. He may not share his feelings with you, but I'm sure there's a big hole in his life and he cannot bear it without some female companion. His plan is all good. Don't judge him.

 

[nash031]

I lost my dad in November. He and my mom were married 49 years. She would get upset with him because of all the care taking he required coupled with the fact that she was still working at age 74 by choice (he was 81).

After he died, during Christmas, Mom was needling me about something and made a really callous remark I never would've expected from her. She has always been very patient and kind in the way that mothers usually are with their sons. This was a first, and my emotions also being raw, we had a bit of a knock down drag out and I lost my cool.

A few minutes later, I went back to her room, grabbed her, hugged her and told her I was sorry and that I wasn't handling emotions the right way. She agreed and we cried together for a minute.

The moral is that people deal with grief and guilt in different ways. Often these emotions are substituted with anger because it is more common and empowering than the helplessness of grief and anxiety about the change in life. This angry manifestation of other emotions is particularly common in men.

It is also possible that rather than dealing with his grief, he is trying to see if he can just move on with other women to avoid going through it at all.

The problem with the grief process is that the only way out is through. You can't avoid it forever. It'll find you as it has my mom this month after she was doing well for the first few.

Maybe your dad is just a callous jerk, but it might also be how he is trying to handle uncomfortable, unfamiliar emotions that come with the loss of his life partner.