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Old 08-29-2007, 02:53 PM   #41
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If you lend them the money and then see them spending money on something foolish you will be upset .So save the money and your blood pressure and don't do it !
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Old 08-29-2007, 03:28 PM   #42
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If you lend them the money and then see them spending money on something foolish you will be upset .So save the money and your blood pressure and don't do it !
Yup. Years ago I lent a friend some rent money. After a few months, he said he would pay me back soon, and presented me with an expensive leather jacket as a "gift of appreciation." It must have cost about half the amount I'd loaned him. Took a couple more months for him to pay me back - the jacket wound up at goodwill.
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Old 08-29-2007, 03:28 PM   #43
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No, Why? We don't loan money.

I did offer to loan my cousins money two years ago when my uncle passed away. I knew he helped all three of them to varying degrees (they were all in their 20's) and I knew they would be able to repay after the estate settled. I couldn't see them getting evicted or not making a tuition payment just because they couldn't get at the money their dad would have given them if he were still there. They surprised me and were able to manage without the loan.

Many years ago SIL wanted me to co-sign her car loan I said no but I would loan her $1,500 so she could make a larger downpayment. She asked why $1,500 and I answered that was the amount of money I was willing to lose and still not be annoyed. The bank still wouldn't do the loan, she had to wait a week for her parents to get back in the country. They cosigned for her and the loan dragged on for years she paid late needed money from them on several occasions to avoid repo etc. etc...

Last story a year ago my sister was struggling after a job change and wanted a loan. I said no (she just needed to control her spending) and gave her a copy of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. A few weeks ago she told me she is paying off her last credit card and the balance is down to $1,200 and she had me review her 401k info and fill out her paperwork.
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Old 08-29-2007, 03:34 PM   #44
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DH and I just went through a similar situation except that it was a close family member. The person was unhappy with their current employment and wanted a large sum from us in order to start a business. We would have had to liquidate assets in order to come up with the money and then would have suffered tax consequences and a marked reduction in our retirement income. We said no. The negative fall out was predictable. We will live.

Usually the person doing the asking has no idea about how their asking for money will affect you. Sure, they see you are doing well so they think your good for it. Not. What they don't see is why you are doing well and that is because you have manage your funds in such a way that they support you.
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Old 08-29-2007, 03:41 PM   #45
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I get the idea, maybe we can close this thread??

I have a family issue that noone can solve, maybe I'll go there next...........

I don't need help with financial stuff, but Lord knows I need help with house, family, friend, travel, etc.....................
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Old 08-29-2007, 04:21 PM   #46
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Yes if I was the 25 year retiree and I heard that you didn't want to pay $28, I wouldn't say a thing. But I would be hurt.

She probably had nothing to do with the arrangements. When you don't show and the word gets round that you were too cheap to attend your status will be a few rungs lower.

That is one moment in time that you may regret in the future.
A bit of a tough situation. If it is a co-worker that you did not know very well, then no problem. If it is a 'friend', then sometimes you need to chalk it up to one of those splurges. $28 seems to be too small a deal to ruin a friendship. Treat it like a tax, something you don't like, but have to pay.
I agree with Zipper... the co-worker probably had nothing to do with setting up the pricy luncheon.

IMO LBYM can be carried to an extreme (please don't block my userid). Balance is everything is best.
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Old 08-29-2007, 04:26 PM   #47
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If you choose to lend the money remember that even if it is a loan don't count on getting the money back. If you can afford to and want to lend them the money make it in your mind like a gift. This way if you get it back great and if you don't then it was a gift.
I agree, except I wouldn't think of it as a gift - more as an anticipated loss. DW and I once loaned $5K to a relative who was truly in a bind. We knew there was a good chance it would not be returned. She paid one $100 installment and nothing more - that was about six years ago. She has never said a word about it, nor have we. I suspect she is ashamed to even bring it up. DW and I wrote off the loan but would not lend her another dime regardless of her circumstances. Had she continued to acknowledge the debt and made efforts to pay it off our attitude toward future problems would be different. We would both lend money to other close relatives in similar dire straights - but again only once if not repaid.
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Old 08-29-2007, 06:28 PM   #48
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My Dad was pretty well off during the depression, and of course coming out of WW2.

My Mom went to college straight off the farm, and her relatives were hurting. Most of their cash needs- and I mean needs, the concept of wants would have been preposterous to them-were handled by my father and mother. Truly life saving medical treatment, and prevention of family disasters was on my Dad's shoulders which he accepted as his duty. These folks were not wasters or lazy, just up against a very tough environment.

I don't remember that anyone was ever particularly grateful. I think helping people out is one of those things that you do if it fits your view of yourself. But a generous person should not expect gratitude, though it will occasionally come along.

I think his experience affected me, and although I admire this type of generosity I myself am not very good at it. Being used just does not appeal to me, even if it's for a good cause. If somebody wants money from me they can sell me a valuable article, or paint my house.

Only Tony Soprano was in a good position to make personal loans.

I have never even been faced with a request. Just like no one asks me for advice, no one asks me for money except bums on the street, and they aren't surprised if I politely say no.

As far as the co-workers going away dinner, I would go. I would realize that if I were going away and someone skipped my fete, it likely meant that I was not worth $30 to them. I would not be interested in someone with this evaluation of me, so I would figure they were makeing a similar evaluation if they no-showed.

Ha
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Old 08-29-2007, 07:40 PM   #49
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Offer advice. Do not lend the money. Pick an appropriate way to deliver the message.
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Old 08-29-2007, 08:05 PM   #50
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You could say, "i'm sorry, I have my financial plan and have to stick to it if i want to reach our goals for our family, and as a personal rule, I don't lend out money to friends, because I value our friendship too much" -
Several years ago, a couple close to both my DH and I asked us to loan them a rather large sum of $$ for what sounded to us as a get-quick scheme. We really didn't want to lose their friendship, but we also were not about to get involved in this "opportunity". We used almost the exact quote to explain why we wouldn't loan the $$ -- and happily the couple realized the investment wasn't a good one after all. We are still friends -- but they showed respect for us throughout the process (i.e., no prying into our finances, etc.)

Good luck -- this is a very sensitive issue.
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Old 08-30-2007, 05:08 AM   #51
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I don't lend money, if a friend or relative needs money, I give them a gift. This way, I am never disappointed. My mil asked for a 'loan' for by bil wedding... a sizeable amount for us at the time... I told my wife to give her 1/4 of what she asked for (although it hurt, it was not catastrophic, being without) as our gift, ... did not ask for it to be returned. This way no one is obligated to anything... peace of mind is worth it.
If I ever get it back, then I invite them to dinner or something ... and have a good time for all
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Old 08-31-2007, 12:22 AM   #52
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Their spending problem is very similar to drug addiction. Receiving more money will perpetuate the problem. They need to admit they have an addiction rather than a lack of money problem and accept professional guidance. I can feel the withdrawal shakes from here.
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Old 08-31-2007, 10:35 AM   #53
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My Dad was pretty well off during the depression, and of course coming out of WW2.

Truly life saving medical treatment, and prevention of family disasters was on my Dad's shoulders which he accepted as his duty. These folks were not wasters or lazy, just up against a very tough environment.

I don't remember that anyone was ever particularly grateful. . . .

Ha
I think it is hard to show the gratitude sometimes. You may be ashamed, embarrassed, and maybe a bit jealous. Or just not know what to say.

After my mother died for a brief period of time an aunt of my father's came and stayed with us. She taught me a lot about how to clean, cook, and run a house. She also gave us little money gifts once in a while. I am ashamed to say that I don't remember saying thank you ever. I remember being embarrassed a lot about how dirty our home was. I didn't know anything about that you cards. And I just didn't know what to say.

She has been dead for years. Last year we had a family reunion and her son, now quite elderly, was there. I told him how much I learned from his mother and how thankful I was. Too late, but it was the best I could do.
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