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Old 06-17-2008, 09:04 PM   #21
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I agree with the others. Tell bossy sister to pound sand (diplomatically of course). If you already know it isn't going to work then it isn't going to work.

Dealing with elderly parents is... conflicting I guess. All sorts of divided loyalties/responsibilities. I guess you've seen my thread on the FIL wrecking his car. One wants to do what's right but it has to be within the reality of what is possible.
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Old 06-17-2008, 09:47 PM   #22
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I think my sister has no idea how hard this is going to be because she usually visits my Mom for a day here and there . I go for several weeks at a time . I do think my Mom will evntually need to do this but not right now . Besides the fact that this will drive me nuts I think it will put Mom over the edge when she is taken away from her enviroment. Any suggestions so I don't end up having shock therapy ?
Tell your sister from me that this is a really, really, really bad idea. Tell her I also said that it sounds like you need a new sister.

Your mother is in a familiar, supportive environment with friends and caregivers. Why would anyone possibly want to mess with that?!? There is no way that moving to Florida will possibly improve on this situation. Your mother is unlikely to benefit from the disruption and overstimulation of a move, let alone acclimating to a new climate & environment.

My spouse's parents spent six years with us in Hawaii (from Annapolis) and it was the worst experience of everyone's lives. It was their idea to move here, and their idea to move back, but we would've happily paid for their return to the Mainland.

If your mother joins you guys in Florida then the situation will eventually get ugly, mean, and nasty. So tell your sister that you're sparing everyone the pain of the transition by getting ugly, mean, and nasty now-- tell her that you can't support her plans and that there's no way you'll share accomodations with your grandmother for more than the annual two-week "vacation" at your place. Tell her not to sell Mom's old place until it's been vacant for at least a year, tell her that you will in no way contribute financially, physically, or emotionally to this plan, and then tell your sister that the only contribution you plan to make is the expense of moving your mother back to her original home. And then you should re-key your home's locks.

I think it's OK to tell your sister that she's being selfish and is not behaving in your mother's best interests.

Gosh, I think your post struck one of my unhealed nerves... with a bullwhip!
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Old 06-18-2008, 11:47 AM   #23
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After sleeping on it I decided to

1- Tell my Sister Mom should keep her apartment for at least four months while she tries things out
2- Be more open to the idea of having my Mother but three weeks at a time is my limit
3- Not be manipulated by my sister when things don't work out as her fanatsy
5- Look into stair lifts so when she comes for three weeks we can put her upstairs that way she'll have her own little area


Anyway thanks everybody for listening to my ranting !
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Old 06-18-2008, 12:07 PM   #24
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I'm going to really push for this idea . That way if she hates it she hasn't burned her bridges .
What a mess. Of course, like me,you're a middle child,which means NOONE listens to us!!
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Old 06-18-2008, 02:23 PM   #25
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What a mess. Of course, like me,you're a middle child,which means NOONE listens to us!!

You are so right !
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Old 06-18-2008, 02:41 PM   #26
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You are so right !
Yet typically we are the most logical......my sister was aloof and VERY independent, and my younger brother comes up with crazy ideas all the time, why must I be "Spock"
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Old 06-18-2008, 02:49 PM   #27
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You have my sympathy. This situation can really be impossible. I just finished my stint taking care of my 92-year-old mom. It went very well, considering, but it is a difficult situation.

Mom was with us for about two weeks, and now Sister 2 is caring for her at Sister 1's Oregon house until July 3, at which point Sister 3 will pick her up and take her to her Tacoma house until August when Sister 1 will pick her up and drive her across the country (again) to her New York house.

Mom is totally confused about where she is and where she's headed, but it doesn't seem to be stressful for her. Her short-term memory is shot, and she had a little cheat sheet that she kept with her to tell her what was coming up.

It was nice to have her here, and we enjoyed our time together, but I'm relieved that it's over. There was a good bit of worrying about her choking or falling.

Allow me relate three stories:

1. Every night she had to walk up the stairs and every morning come down them. Sister 1 was amazed that she could do this; INAD, but I think it was very good for her.

I would always be one step below her in case she fell, and she'd always say "Oh, don't be silly, I'm not going to fall" but I'd explain that she had fallen in the past, and I was going to do it. The thing is we'd have to have this discussion every single day, since she'd forget about our previous discussions.

2. I asked her if she'd ever had a colonoscopy and she asked "Isn't that what I had the other day?" I couldn't help laughing, but she didn't like the fact that I got amusement out of her memory difficulties.

3. An advantage of the memory problems is that you get do-overs. She asked whether she should write lyrics to a simple song that my group plays, and I explained that we don't have a singer, and we don't need lyrics. I could tell that she was disappointed, and I wished that I'd just said yes. But the next day, she asked the same thing again, not remembering the first time, so I just said, "Yes, that would be great!" and she was pleased to have something to work on.
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Old 06-18-2008, 03:23 PM   #28
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Al , Glad you survived . I love my Mother and routinely go to her apartment in Pa. to help her . She's totally sane in her own little world but my younger sister and I fear this move will push her over the top . Oh well I guess I have to chill out ( with some wine ) and hope for the best .
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Old 06-18-2008, 06:53 PM   #29
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My 95 year old Grandma enjoys seeing me every morning for tea. However, we'd never consider shacking up together. I hope things work out for you!
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Old 06-18-2008, 10:52 PM   #30
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I like Nord's advice. I would try to tell my sister this advice as tactfully as I could. If your mom is happy now and things are working well for everyone, then I would definitely tell my sister that I wanted no part of it. I would only have my mother over for the length of time that I wanted.

Al, I loved your story of the do over with your mom. I wish that I could do some do overs of my own with my own mother, but unfortunately I can never do that now. Love them while you can.
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:29 AM   #31
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My mother is 90 and she wouldn't think about moving. Fortunately, she has someone who lives with her and looks after her. Her 96 year old sister.
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:47 AM   #32
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My mother is 90 and she wouldn't think about moving. Fortunately, she has someone who lives with her and looks after her. Her 96 year old sister.

Right now my Mom lives next door to her 73 year old sister and downstairs from her 40 year old nephew . So why she wants to move is beyond me ?
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:52 AM   #33
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So why she wants to move is beyond me ?
I notice that my normally stubborn grandmother is highly susceptible to an aggressive lobbying effort by determined family members. Her mind is still in good shape, but she doesn't feel as sharp as she used to so she relies more on others. This means that she sometimes gives in to bad advice.
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