Help my Mother is moving to Florida ?

[Moemg]

I love my Mother but the thought of her in my house day in and day out is giving me the shakes . She's 92 and been living alone with help and doing okay . My bossy sister decided Mom needs to move to Florida and live with her part time and me part time . I think my sister has no idea how hard this is going to be because she usually visits my Mom for a day here and there . I go for several weeks at a time . I do think my Mom will evntually need to do this but not right now . Besides the fact that this will drive me nuts I think it will put Mom over the edge when she is taken away from her enviroment. Any suggestions so I don't end up having shock therapy ?

 

[bbbamI]

Has your sister brought this idea up with mom yet?

 

[OAG]

Maybe you should give your Sister the therapy. Work out a schedule with your Sister; for example her house 11 months of the year and your house 1 month? I moved my Mother to Florida, bought her a new home down the street from us, and it was the best 7 years of her life (according to her). Whenever anything went wrong or she could not figure it out it was "my house", when all was well it was "her" house. She kept her independence at 73-80. She passed away at 80 (smoker, etc.). Much younger than your Mom but the she wanted to move to Florida - I did not hear that in your post. Good luck with Mom and Sister.

 

[Rich_by_the_Bay]

Assisted living time?

 

[CuppaJoe]

You have my sincere concern.

"The Villages"? I'm joking!

We moved mom cross-country to a senior complex at age 89 and it was very difficult; she was catatonic during the move but loved living in the new place; talked about it like we hear people on this board saying they feel like they are on vacation when they retire. She died there at age 91-3/4.

 

[Moemg]

Maybe you should give your Sister the therapy. Work out a schedule with your Sister; for example her house 11 months of the year and your house 1 month?

That is a great idea . I could handle one month easily .

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

i forget, is your sister here too? if so, and if mom is still pretty much independent, how about getting mom a place convenient between the two of you so you can both look in on her.

my brother and i were both 20 minutes away from mom and with that we were able to keep her relatively independent for very long even into alzheimer's. plus in sharing the responsiblity it did not weigh too heavily on either of us.

 

[Moemg]

Has your sister brought this idea up with mom yet?

Yes and at first my Mother did not want to go but now my Sister convinced her .

 

[Moemg]

i forget, is your sister here too? if so, and if mom is still pretty much independent, how about getting mom a place convenient between the two of you so you can both look in on her.

I would love to do that but my Mom has decided she needs to live with someone . She has a great set up in Pa. . She lives next door to my Aunt who is twenty years younger . Her apartment is totally modified . Walk in shower with a seat etc.. I pay for an aide to take her to all her appointments including the beauty shop , do her shopping and take her for a drive if she needs to get out . My younger sister visits a lot .I know my older Sister and after a month she'll be trying to send Mom to me . My sister just built a house in Weeki Wachee ,Fl..

 

[Moemg]

Assisted living time?

She has assisted living now in her apartment .

 

[Moemg]

they feel like they are on vacation when they retire. She died there at age 91-3/4.

This is making me think about unretiring !

 

[Bestwifeever]

I guess you are just going to have to be firm with your older sister about your feelings (or tell her you cannot host your mother because you have to go visit your daughter/grandchildren!). What if your mother moved to Florida into another assisted living facilities, near to your older sister and you? Would your aunt who now lives near your mother want to move to Florida also? What about your younger sister--won't she be lonely without your mother nearby (something to suggest to your older sister )?

My mom passed away when I was 22, but my aunt in later years decided my grandmother needed to move cross country to live with her (instead of independently near my uncles). After about three weeks my aunt was pulling out her hair and after six months my grandmother was on her way back home, completely confused. Your older sister perhaps doesn't know what she is getting into imho.

 

[Moemg]

, but my aunt in later years decided my grandmother needed to move cross country to live with her (instead of independently near my uncles). After about three weeks my aunt was pulling out her hair and after six months my grandmother was on her way back home, completely confused. Your older sister perhaps doesn't know what she is getting into imho.

Yep, I can see this same scenario on the horizon . Think the peace corps will take me ?

 

[Milton]

My bossy sister decided Mom needs to move to Florida and live with her part time and me part time.

This is not something that you 'owe' to your Mom or your siblings; and just because you can't handle living in the same house with your elderly Mom for extended periods doesn't make you a bad person.

The first and more important issue is whether you should agree to host Mom part-time (six months a year? 11 months?).

I don't know any of the personal dynamics, but it sounds to me like you have little option to put your foot down and gently but firmly inform bossy Sis and Mom that you are simply not in a position to host. You don't have to give reasons if you don't want to (personally, I wouldn't because it may invite [-]argument[/-] debate). Better to do this ASAP, before people start making assumptions and then later blame you for "going back on your word".

The second issue is whether Mom would be better staying where she is.

If bossy Sis was able to convince Mom to move, I would think there's a good chance that you can just as easily persuade her not to: considering natural human lethargy, and the fact that her present set-up sounds good. But this issue is not as important as the first one, and ultimately you should respect your Mom's wishes, as long as you are not personally inconvenienced.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Yep, I can see this same scenario on the horizon . Think the peace corps will take me ?

Definitely! You better apply before your older sister realizes what she's gotten herself into!

 

[Coach]

Moemg, I am so sorry your sister has put you in this position.

Just based on personal experience with my own father, your sister's plan is terrible. Don't move your mother until you need to. If she is happy and safe in her current arrangement, try to make that last as long as possible. This idea of shuttling her between your sister and you is bad. A consistent environment helps older folks hang on to reality.

If she is set on moving, perhaps she could try a visit first. That might change her mind. If not, think about a retirement apartment -- a place that would be her own, in a community of people, with help available. And you and your sister nearby.

Good luck -- you're in a very difficult situation.

Coach

 

[Midpack]

Just based on personal experience with my own father, your sister's plan is terrible. Don't move your mother until you need to. If she is happy and safe in her current arrangement, try to make that last as long as possible. This idea of shuttling her between your sister and you is bad. A consistent environment helps older folks hang on to reality.

If she is set on moving, perhaps she could try a visit first. That might change her mind.

Good luck -- you're in a very difficult situation.

Coach

This (in red) is very important advice IMO, moving her back and forth probably won't be good for anyone. And no matter how hard you try, she is going to be more comfortable at one place or the other - so she will be some unhappy about half the time if not more. Good luck from me too...

 

[Moemg]

Thanks everybody , My younger sister and I already discussed the reality of her going downhill with the move . Neither of us think it's a good idea but my older sister thinks this is a great idea . I have no problem having my Mother for a few weeks every couple months so my sister can have a break but six months would do me in . Plus moving her away from the place she lived forever at 92 is just nuts .

 

[d]

you need to tell your sister that this is not a good idea, and that you'll have no part of it. (if you're not 100% willing, it simply will not work.)

 

[Moemg]

If she is set on moving, perhaps she could try a visit first.

I'm going to really push for this idea . That way if she hates it she hasn't burned her bridges .

 

[Walt34]

I agree with the others. Tell bossy sister to pound sand (diplomatically of course). If you already know it isn't going to work then it isn't going to work.

Dealing with elderly parents is... conflicting I guess. All sorts of divided loyalties/responsibilities. I guess you've seen my thread on the FIL wrecking his car. One wants to do what's right but it has to be within the reality of what is possible.

 

[Nords]

I think my sister has no idea how hard this is going to be because she usually visits my Mom for a day here and there . I go for several weeks at a time . I do think my Mom will evntually need to do this but not right now . Besides the fact that this will drive me nuts I think it will put Mom over the edge when she is taken away from her enviroment. Any suggestions so I don't end up having shock therapy ?

Tell your sister from me that this is a really, really, really bad idea. Tell her I also said that it sounds like you need a new sister.

Your mother is in a familiar, supportive environment with friends and caregivers. Why would anyone possibly want to mess with that?!? There is no way that moving to Florida will possibly improve on this situation. Your mother is unlikely to benefit from the disruption and overstimulation of a move, let alone acclimating to a new climate & environment.

My spouse's parents spent six years with us in Hawaii (from Annapolis) and it was the worst experience of everyone's lives. It was their idea to move here, and their idea to move back, but we would've happily paid for their return to the Mainland.

If your mother joins you guys in Florida then the situation will eventually get ugly, mean, and nasty. So tell your sister that you're sparing everyone the pain of the transition by getting ugly, mean, and nasty now-- tell her that you can't support her plans and that there's no way you'll share accomodations with your grandmother for more than the annual two-week "vacation" at your place. Tell her not to sell Mom's old place until it's been vacant for at least a year, tell her that you will in no way contribute financially, physically, or emotionally to this plan, and then tell your sister that the only contribution you plan to make is the expense of moving your mother back to her original home. And then you should re-key your home's locks.

I think it's OK to tell your sister that she's being selfish and is not behaving in your mother's best interests.

Gosh, I think your post struck one of my unhealed nerves... with a bullwhip!

 

[Moemg]

After sleeping on it I decided to

1- Tell my Sister Mom should keep her apartment for at least four months while she tries things out
2- Be more open to the idea of having my Mother but three weeks at a time is my limit
3- Not be manipulated by my sister when things don't work out as her fanatsy
5- Look into stair lifts so when she comes for three weeks we can put her upstairs that way she'll have her own little area


Anyway thanks everybody for listening to my ranting !

 

[FinanceDude]

I'm going to really push for this idea . That way if she hates it she hasn't burned her bridges .

What a mess. Of course, like me,you're a middle child,which means NOONE listens to us!!

 

[Moemg]

What a mess. Of course, like me,you're a middle child,which means NOONE listens to us!!

You are so right !