Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
help reading person's actions vs words
Old 10-31-2010, 07:12 AM   #1
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
wildcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Lou-evil
Posts: 2,025
help reading person's actions vs words

I occasionally catch up with this GIRL(there) on weekends. We live in different cities about an hour apart. We have known each other for a couple years but I can't seem to figure out how to read some of her contradicting ways - hypocrite might be a tad too strong.

I think for the most part I do what I say or believe & tend to trust others that do the same. I will provide some examples of what this female has done and maybe it's just me but I see red flags. She has a) said she doesn't like going out to the "club" atmosphere but does b) said she prefers to stay home and just have people over or read or go to movies but goes out (funny b/c this weekend she said she was doing that & was no way going to dress up for the Halloween festivities but dressed up & went to a Halloween party instead) c) talked down about the behaviors of some of her partying friends but continues to hang out with them

Also a few weekends ago (I have been pretty busy with work), I was free and asked if she had any plans on Sunday. She said "I don't know" which sort of surprised me & said she told a guy she hasn't seen in a while that she would go to a museum with him over the weekend but didn't have a set date. Another example of where she said she if I can do something she would always put me first but kept her loosely scheduled date instead.

Anyone think I have reason to see red flags? Maybe at the very least she is pretending to be the person she thinks I would want to see? I'm not sure how to take it all as she plays herself up to be so innocent & just wants to please everyone but for all I know she is a pro at this game. You all are smarter than me.......
__________________
"These walls are kind of funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them"
wildcat is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 10-31-2010, 07:19 AM   #2
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas: No Country for Old Men
Posts: 50,003
Run like a wildcat...
__________________
Numbers is hard
REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 07:33 AM   #3
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Dawg52's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Central MS/Orange Beach, AL
Posts: 9,067
She's a female. What else you need to know?
__________________
Retired 3/31/2007@52
Investing style: Full time wuss.
Dawg52 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 08:05 AM   #4
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 60
Also, look in the dictionary under "batter-up", that picture is you. She is the classic, to the letter, deceitful female.
Pie Floater is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 08:38 AM   #5
Moderator Emeritus
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 12,894
I think people's actions speak louder than their words (talk is super cheap, you know). So... run!
FIREd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 08:42 AM   #6
Moderator Emeritus
W2R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 47,472
Quote:
Originally Posted by wildcat View Post
Anyone think I have reason to see red flags? Maybe at the very least she is pretending to be the person she thinks I would want to see?
BINGO!! We have a winnah....

(Either that, or she is being pushed by her less-than-great friends to do these things, and she doesn't really know who could be her new friends if she drops these less-than-great friends.)

You can do better.

The "I don't know" answer sounds like the kind of response someone would give who was trying to avoid a date with you (sorry, but I'm trying to be truthful). She sounds pretty mixed up. Maybe you are her back-up date, for when she can't arrange something with someone else.
__________________
Already we are boldly launched upon the deep; but soon we shall be lost in its unshored, harbourless immensities. - - H. Melville, 1851.

Happily retired since 2009, at age 61. Best years of my life by far!
W2R is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 08:52 AM   #7
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,983
I'd say it depends on your investment vs. your perks. If you are falling in love, maybe not a great situation. If you drop over for some sex or companionship when you got nothing to do that weekend, or if your worklife is so busy that you are a sometime lover anyway, you might see this as an ok situation but not exactly true love.

What have you led her to believe about your motivation and plans, time schedule, etc?

I would not have a problem with a woman looking out for number 1-after all, who else if not she?

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 09:19 AM   #8
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Amethyst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 12,597
Wildcat,

In my dating years, I met numerous "males" who behaved exactly, to the letter, like the "female" you describe. I never put up with it for long; there are people of both sexes who desperately want someone who'll just be straight with them without any games, so I ended up with one of those.

Oh, but sometimes the non-game-playing people lack some of the charm and allure of the game-players. It is a trade-off, I suspect.

(Sorry, it sounds odd to hear a woman referred to as "a female," which makes me think of animals).

Amethyst
__________________
If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.’ Christopher Morley.
Even a blind clock finds an acorn twice a day.
Amethyst is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 09:21 AM   #9
Full time employment: Posting here.
Silver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Orlando, Fl
Posts: 950
Mr. Wildcat:

With all due respect....if you only care enough to 'catch up with her occationally" it doesn't sound like you're very interested in her. Nothing wrong with that. But I think her behavior may be saying one (or more) of the following:

1). I wouldn't do the "club" scene if I were in a committed relationship with a man where there is mutual caring and trust...so I talk about that type of life-style as my preference, but I go to clubs/parties because I'm alone and don't want to be. And the tentative museum date may be someone I have a better chance at developing a committed relationship with than you so that's a no-brainer.

2). I'm just not that into you so don't really care what you think, and I assume you feel the same.

3). I like you but I'm tired of the booty calls when it's convenient for you so I'm going to keep my options open. Clubbing, parties, and "maybe" dates are better then sitting at home waiting for you to call.

Any of these seem like a possibility?
__________________
"Some people describe themselves as being able to see things as a glass half full. For some, the glass is half empty. Me? I can't even find the f***king glass."
Silver
Silver is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 09:23 AM   #10
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
youbet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Chicago
Posts: 13,151
Quote:
Originally Posted by wildcat View Post
I occasionally catch up with this female on weekends.
Given the inconsistent and casual nature of your relationship with this woman (by your description), what does it matter? As haha mentions, an hour drive for an occasional quickie or evening out hardly merits loyalty to you on her part.

Enjoy this casual relationship for what it is. If you stop enjoying her company when you do make it over to her town, stop going. Ditto to her.
__________________
"I wasn't born blue blood. I was born blue-collar." John Wort Hannam
youbet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 09:34 AM   #11
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
easysurfer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 13,130
Sorry, couldn't find a Youtube version, only the Lyrics.


Here's your answer in a song :

Michael Murphy - Talking To The Wrong Man Lyrics
__________________
Have you ever seen a headstone with these words
"If only I had spent more time at work" ... from "Busy Man" sung by Billy Ray Cyrus
easysurfer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 09:40 AM   #12
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 10,252
Frankly, I can't figure out wildcat's original post.

I imagine that if the "this female" wrote about "There's this wildcat thing that occassionally tries to hang out with me on weekends ...." that the responses would be more amusing.
LOL! is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 12:46 PM   #13
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
wildcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Lou-evil
Posts: 2,025
Quote:
Originally Posted by LOL! View Post
Frankly, I can't figure out wildcat's original post.

I imagine that if the "this female" wrote about "There's this wildcat thing that occassionally tries to hang out with me on weekends ...." that the responses would be more amusing.
Yeah it's tough one

Thanks for playing
__________________
"These walls are kind of funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them"
wildcat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 12:51 PM   #14
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
wildcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Lou-evil
Posts: 2,025
Quote:
Originally Posted by youbet View Post
Given the inconsistent and casual nature of your relationship with this woman (by your description), what does it matter? As haha mentions, an hour drive for an occasional quickie or evening out hardly merits loyalty to you on her part.

Enjoy this casual relationship for what it is. If you stop enjoying her company when you do make it over to her town, stop going. Ditto to her.
Point taken - guess I should not care

But consistent enough to where we see each other about every other weekend

And to be clear I haven't protested her actions or words - think I only made a comment 1 time before about how I thought it was "interesting" that she talk down about her friends and how what they do doesn't match her self-described interests but continued to hang out with them anyway

I just like to feel like I really know the people I am around whether it be casual or serious
__________________
"These walls are kind of funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them"
wildcat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 01:10 PM   #15
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 22,983
Quote:
Originally Posted by wildcat View Post
I just like to feel like I really know the people I am around whether it be casual or serious
I don't want to appear to be on your case, but even 45-50 years ago a woman usually didn't stop doing whatever she wanted to with whomever she wanted to, and reporting whatever she wanted to about that (usually little!) until someone put a ring on her.

You may think she knows you because you "y'am what you am", but from her POV a very important thing she may not know anything at all about is what are your plans with respect to her. After all, you can theoretically at least put off marriage and children until you are 50, marry a young woman and start a family. She is now a young woman, and that is not a permanent or even semi-permanent condition.

I know some women are much less interested in marriage and family today than when I was young, but some of them are maybe not as little interested as we might think. A woman who comes to feel that she has been used can be a bitter person, and I really don't disagree with this. For a short while when I was about 25 I dated a 40 year old woman in my building who had just been dumped by a married 55 year old psychoanalyst by whom she had foolishly allowed herself to be strung along since she graduated from a nursing master's program. She considred herself to be his mistress. So one abortion and over 10 years later he exits stage left? Now if I were a woman of 40, had wanted children, gotten an abortion because my lover "was not yet ready to leave his family" I would be ready for either murder or suicide, depending on whether there were offshore or onshore winds that day.

She was classy enough to not give him one last piece, have someone take fotos and send them to his wife. Which said a lot in her favor to me.

I really liked her, but exited after we went to see "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf" on stage and I couldn't deal with so much desolation in one night.

This really is not at all similar to what you describe, but it may help in understanding the deep concerns that a woman looking for love may at times feel.

Ha
__________________
"As a general rule, the more dangerous or inappropriate a conversation, the more interesting it is."-Scott Adams
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 01:30 PM   #16
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 17,203
Quote:
Originally Posted by Silver View Post
Mr. Wildcat:

With all due respect....if you only care enough to 'catch up with her occationally" it doesn't sound like you're very interested in her. Nothing wrong with that. But I think her behavior may be saying one (or more) of the following:

1). I wouldn't do the "club" scene if I were in a committed relationship with a man where there is mutual caring and trust...so I talk about that type of life-style as my preference, but I go to clubs/parties because I'm alone and don't want to be. And the tentative museum date may be someone I have a better chance at developing a committed relationship with than you so that's a no-brainer.

2). I'm just not that into you so don't really care what you think, and I assume you feel the same.

3). I like you but I'm tired of the booty calls when it's convenient for you so I'm going to keep my options open. Clubbing, parties, and "maybe" dates are better then sitting at home waiting for you to call.

Any of these seem like a possibility?

+1 on this post....


Seems to me that YOU have not made any commitments to her... so why should she make any to you....
Texas Proud is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 02:04 PM   #17
Administrator
Gumby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 22,971
Quote:
Originally Posted by haha View Post
I don't want to appear to be on your case, but even 45-50 years ago a woman usually didn't stop doing whatever she wanted to with whomever she wanted to, and reporting whatever she wanted to about that (usually little!) until someone put a ring on her.
__________________
Living an analog life in the Digital Age.
Gumby is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 02:12 PM   #18
Gone but not forgotten
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Sarasota,fl.
Posts: 11,447
It seems to me by seeing her just every other week end you are sending her signals that she's a fill in until Ms. Right comes along . If this is the case enjoy it for what it is . If you want more from the relationship you had better step up to the plate and put more into it . I'd start with frequent calls or emails and flowers .
Moemg is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 02:50 PM   #19
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 3,679
Not sure what your relationship with her is, but I don't think I'd like her. She seems to be all about what other people think. She'll go to clubs or do the Halloween thing even though she says she doesn't like it (peer pressure?). And she may be using you as a back up plan, comparing you to whatever looks more interesting at the moment.

I also don't like it when people talk down about what other people do and then continue to be with them. Makes her look spineless.

Anyway, she seems like she's "not that into you", as someone else said.

How old is she? And you? This appears to be kind of immature and manipulative. Red flags? Oh, yeah.
__________________
Married, both 69. DH retired June, 2010. I have a pleasant little part time job.
Sue J is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2010, 03:06 PM   #20
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Fireup2020's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,250
No need for this drama in your life unless you are getting some fun out of analyzing her. Run...do not look back...
__________________
Make no mistake, my friend, it takes more than money to make men rich. - A. P. Gouthey
Fireup2020 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
"Non-optimum" financial actions we take for emotional reasons, convenience, etc. samclem FIRE and Money 46 11-20-2009 12:37 PM
What do the stars represent under a person's name Alan Forum Admin 9 07-13-2008 08:07 PM
Cramer took illegal actions? mickeyd FIRE and Money 3 03-21-2007 10:56 AM
Vanguard Fund Actions REWahoo FIRE and Money 1 04-20-2006 02:36 PM
What words inspire you? yAyA Other topics 27 11-22-2005 03:18 AM

» Quick Links

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:10 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.