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help reading person's actions vs words
Old 10-31-2010, 08:12 AM   #1
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help reading person's actions vs words

I occasionally catch up with this GIRL(there) on weekends. We live in different cities about an hour apart. We have known each other for a couple years but I can't seem to figure out how to read some of her contradicting ways - hypocrite might be a tad too strong.

I think for the most part I do what I say or believe & tend to trust others that do the same. I will provide some examples of what this female has done and maybe it's just me but I see red flags. She has a) said she doesn't like going out to the "club" atmosphere but does b) said she prefers to stay home and just have people over or read or go to movies but goes out (funny b/c this weekend she said she was doing that & was no way going to dress up for the Halloween festivities but dressed up & went to a Halloween party instead) c) talked down about the behaviors of some of her partying friends but continues to hang out with them

Also a few weekends ago (I have been pretty busy with work), I was free and asked if she had any plans on Sunday. She said "I don't know" which sort of surprised me & said she told a guy she hasn't seen in a while that she would go to a museum with him over the weekend but didn't have a set date. Another example of where she said she if I can do something she would always put me first but kept her loosely scheduled date instead.

Anyone think I have reason to see red flags? Maybe at the very least she is pretending to be the person she thinks I would want to see? I'm not sure how to take it all as she plays herself up to be so innocent & just wants to please everyone but for all I know she is a pro at this game. You all are smarter than me.......
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Old 10-31-2010, 08:19 AM   #2
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Run like a wildcat...
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Old 10-31-2010, 08:33 AM   #3
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She's a female. What else you need to know?
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:05 AM   #4
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Also, look in the dictionary under "batter-up", that picture is you. She is the classic, to the letter, deceitful female.
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:38 AM   #5
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I think people's actions speak louder than their words (talk is super cheap, you know). So... run!
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:42 AM   #6
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Anyone think I have reason to see red flags? Maybe at the very least she is pretending to be the person she thinks I would want to see?
BINGO!! We have a winnah....

(Either that, or she is being pushed by her less-than-great friends to do these things, and she doesn't really know who could be her new friends if she drops these less-than-great friends.)

You can do better.

The "I don't know" answer sounds like the kind of response someone would give who was trying to avoid a date with you (sorry, but I'm trying to be truthful). She sounds pretty mixed up. Maybe you are her back-up date, for when she can't arrange something with someone else.
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Old 10-31-2010, 09:52 AM   #7
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I'd say it depends on your investment vs. your perks. If you are falling in love, maybe not a great situation. If you drop over for some sex or companionship when you got nothing to do that weekend, or if your worklife is so busy that you are a sometime lover anyway, you might see this as an ok situation but not exactly true love.

What have you led her to believe about your motivation and plans, time schedule, etc?

I would not have a problem with a woman looking out for number 1-after all, who else if not she?

Ha
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:19 AM   #8
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Wildcat,

In my dating years, I met numerous "males" who behaved exactly, to the letter, like the "female" you describe. I never put up with it for long; there are people of both sexes who desperately want someone who'll just be straight with them without any games, so I ended up with one of those.

Oh, but sometimes the non-game-playing people lack some of the charm and allure of the game-players. It is a trade-off, I suspect.

(Sorry, it sounds odd to hear a woman referred to as "a female," which makes me think of animals).

Amethyst
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:21 AM   #9
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Mr. Wildcat:

With all due respect....if you only care enough to 'catch up with her occationally" it doesn't sound like you're very interested in her. Nothing wrong with that. But I think her behavior may be saying one (or more) of the following:

1). I wouldn't do the "club" scene if I were in a committed relationship with a man where there is mutual caring and trust...so I talk about that type of life-style as my preference, but I go to clubs/parties because I'm alone and don't want to be. And the tentative museum date may be someone I have a better chance at developing a committed relationship with than you so that's a no-brainer.

2). I'm just not that into you so don't really care what you think, and I assume you feel the same.

3). I like you but I'm tired of the booty calls when it's convenient for you so I'm going to keep my options open. Clubbing, parties, and "maybe" dates are better then sitting at home waiting for you to call.

Any of these seem like a possibility?
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:23 AM   #10
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I occasionally catch up with this female on weekends.
Given the inconsistent and casual nature of your relationship with this woman (by your description), what does it matter? As haha mentions, an hour drive for an occasional quickie or evening out hardly merits loyalty to you on her part.

Enjoy this casual relationship for what it is. If you stop enjoying her company when you do make it over to her town, stop going. Ditto to her.
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:34 AM   #11
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Sorry, couldn't find a Youtube version, only the Lyrics.


Here's your answer in a song :

Michael Murphy - Talking To The Wrong Man Lyrics
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Old 10-31-2010, 10:40 AM   #12
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Frankly, I can't figure out wildcat's original post.

I imagine that if the "this female" wrote about "There's this wildcat thing that occassionally tries to hang out with me on weekends ...." that the responses would be more amusing.
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Old 10-31-2010, 01:46 PM   #13
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Frankly, I can't figure out wildcat's original post.

I imagine that if the "this female" wrote about "There's this wildcat thing that occassionally tries to hang out with me on weekends ...." that the responses would be more amusing.
Yeah it's tough one

Thanks for playing
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Old 10-31-2010, 01:51 PM   #14
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Given the inconsistent and casual nature of your relationship with this woman (by your description), what does it matter? As haha mentions, an hour drive for an occasional quickie or evening out hardly merits loyalty to you on her part.

Enjoy this casual relationship for what it is. If you stop enjoying her company when you do make it over to her town, stop going. Ditto to her.
Point taken - guess I should not care

But consistent enough to where we see each other about every other weekend

And to be clear I haven't protested her actions or words - think I only made a comment 1 time before about how I thought it was "interesting" that she talk down about her friends and how what they do doesn't match her self-described interests but continued to hang out with them anyway

I just like to feel like I really know the people I am around whether it be casual or serious
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Old 10-31-2010, 02:10 PM   #15
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I just like to feel like I really know the people I am around whether it be casual or serious
I don't want to appear to be on your case, but even 45-50 years ago a woman usually didn't stop doing whatever she wanted to with whomever she wanted to, and reporting whatever she wanted to about that (usually little!) until someone put a ring on her.

You may think she knows you because you "y'am what you am", but from her POV a very important thing she may not know anything at all about is what are your plans with respect to her. After all, you can theoretically at least put off marriage and children until you are 50, marry a young woman and start a family. She is now a young woman, and that is not a permanent or even semi-permanent condition.

I know some women are much less interested in marriage and family today than when I was young, but some of them are maybe not as little interested as we might think. A woman who comes to feel that she has been used can be a bitter person, and I really don't disagree with this. For a short while when I was about 25 I dated a 40 year old woman in my building who had just been dumped by a married 55 year old psychoanalyst by whom she had foolishly allowed herself to be strung along since she graduated from a nursing master's program. She considred herself to be his mistress. So one abortion and over 10 years later he exits stage left? Now if I were a woman of 40, had wanted children, gotten an abortion because my lover "was not yet ready to leave his family" I would be ready for either murder or suicide, depending on whether there were offshore or onshore winds that day.

She was classy enough to not give him one last piece, have someone take fotos and send them to his wife. Which said a lot in her favor to me.

I really liked her, but exited after we went to see "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf" on stage and I couldn't deal with so much desolation in one night.

This really is not at all similar to what you describe, but it may help in understanding the deep concerns that a woman looking for love may at times feel.

Ha
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Old 10-31-2010, 02:30 PM   #16
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Mr. Wildcat:

With all due respect....if you only care enough to 'catch up with her occationally" it doesn't sound like you're very interested in her. Nothing wrong with that. But I think her behavior may be saying one (or more) of the following:

1). I wouldn't do the "club" scene if I were in a committed relationship with a man where there is mutual caring and trust...so I talk about that type of life-style as my preference, but I go to clubs/parties because I'm alone and don't want to be. And the tentative museum date may be someone I have a better chance at developing a committed relationship with than you so that's a no-brainer.

2). I'm just not that into you so don't really care what you think, and I assume you feel the same.

3). I like you but I'm tired of the booty calls when it's convenient for you so I'm going to keep my options open. Clubbing, parties, and "maybe" dates are better then sitting at home waiting for you to call.

Any of these seem like a possibility?

+1 on this post....


Seems to me that YOU have not made any commitments to her... so why should she make any to you....
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Old 10-31-2010, 03:04 PM   #17
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I don't want to appear to be on your case, but even 45-50 years ago a woman usually didn't stop doing whatever she wanted to with whomever she wanted to, and reporting whatever she wanted to about that (usually little!) until someone put a ring on her.
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Old 10-31-2010, 03:12 PM   #18
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It seems to me by seeing her just every other week end you are sending her signals that she's a fill in until Ms. Right comes along . If this is the case enjoy it for what it is . If you want more from the relationship you had better step up to the plate and put more into it . I'd start with frequent calls or emails and flowers .
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Old 10-31-2010, 03:50 PM   #19
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Not sure what your relationship with her is, but I don't think I'd like her. She seems to be all about what other people think. She'll go to clubs or do the Halloween thing even though she says she doesn't like it (peer pressure?). And she may be using you as a back up plan, comparing you to whatever looks more interesting at the moment.

I also don't like it when people talk down about what other people do and then continue to be with them. Makes her look spineless.

Anyway, she seems like she's "not that into you", as someone else said.

How old is she? And you? This appears to be kind of immature and manipulative. Red flags? Oh, yeah.
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Old 10-31-2010, 04:06 PM   #20
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No need for this drama in your life unless you are getting some fun out of analyzing her. Run...do not look back...
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