How do you decide whom to marry? (Re: if you had only known...)

An old boyfriend absolutely stunned me once by saying he couldn't consider marrying me, because his "dream woman" was petite and blonde, and I was too tall and dark haired. So I said, "What am I, your stopgap woman?" and dumped him. Later I saw him with short blonde, so I hope he's very happy.

Another guy I knew had already picked out his future wife (well, her weight, figure, personality, etc.--he wasn't actually dating anyone). Not only that, but he had already decided how many kids he would have with her, precisely two boys and one girl, and how far apart to space the births. There's an engineer.

I will add to what every one else has said: Live with someone long enough to decide if you can deal with his (her) annoying little habits. You will NOT be able to change another person. You will NEVER find a perfect mate, You will eventually find someone whose good qualities outweigh the nutty stuff. That person will also, mercifully, overlook all of your baggage.
 
Darn girls, who could pass just the few requirements that 2Cor put out there? I got two out of five. Anybody score any higher than that? :)

These Engineers--so glad I married a Sagittarius dreamer (also a network grunt).

Haven't these guys heard the battle cry of single women in their 40s?
New Lower Standards! :D

Sarah
 
How about "litmus tests" that ruled out potential partners. I can think of two off the top that stopped me cold:

Women who expected the guy to pay for everything and evaluated you on the dollar value of gifts (ran into a few of those - very short lived relations);
Women who incessantly trashed their exes. Those dates ended early. I remember one woman who hatefully described how she took the SOB for every penny he had, left him bleeding, etc - I literally ran from that encounter.
 
donheff said:
How about "litmus tests" that ruled out potential partners. I can think of two off the top that stopped me cold:

Women who expected the guy to pay for everything and evaluated you on the dollar value of gifts (ran into a few of those - very short lived relations);
Women who incessantly trashed their exes. Those dates ended early. I remember one woman who hatefully described how she took the SOB for every penny he had, left him bleeding, etc - I literally ran from that encounter.
Click to expand...

So what are you saying.........a manhater with stalker tendencies isn't sexy?? :LOL: :LOL:
 
want2retire,

Excellent points.

Society conditions people to marry.

However, when you think about it, other than the reason you already stated (having children), why would you want to introduce the state and legal issues into your relationship with another person?

John
 
flipstress and CFB, I think at one point I included the qualifier "large" on the tattoo thing. I'm just not into people with big tattoos (think Miami Ink here). A discreet one would be OK. This is the kind of thing that I mean when I say I'd check the person against the list and see if what I wrote in my list is actually what I meant and what I really want. I am all up for editing the list as time goes by as I figure out what truly is necessary and what truly isn't.

Tawny Dangle, I struggle with how many of the items on my list are physical attributes and how shallow that makes me. I did go through my list when I realized that and pushed the physical attributes as low as I possibly could, and thought about why those are important to me. Some are just personal preference and are way down on the list. For example, I would prefer someone who is within a particular height range, but it's not a "must have". Listing this kind of criteria is more to help me understand why I am attracted to particular women, and helps me put it in it's proper place -- lower on the list and not in the "Musts". Others are higher because they signify something to me about the person, which is probably my real criteria. For example, a woman who wears a bunch of makeup is not my preference because it indicates to me that the person could be insecure or could be too influenced by cultural marketing. If a woman wore heavy makeup because she had facial surgery, that would be a different thing. So it's sometimes the underlying reasons, you see?

Women, how many of you would or have married someone who you love on the inside but is not physically attractive to you on the outside? I think this issue is much more a "guy" issue anyway.

Also, my ex is really gorgeous -- model level beautiful if you ask me -- but we were also good friends at one point and she was a great person and we really liked each other, which was what hooked me.

Sarah, how did you grade yourself on getting along with my kids? You seem like a nice person ;-) It seems like you have a sense of humor, too. Besides, I only need to find one woman, right? But I hear you on the lower standards thing...I have a vague idea of who is available at 37 vs. who was available at 21, and the pool is obviously quite different. Shoot, I'm not saying I'm any great catch either.

2Cor521
 
:D Well, the two I gave myself credit for were the sense of humor and conservative politics. Sorry, NO kids! :D But no tats, either!

The pool at 37 is certainly more shallow, but I can say that a nice dad-type with a divorce under his belt, good with his kids, doesn't obsess about his ex, and is attentive and kind would be a real catch among my single and divorced friends. They'd snap you up in a minute! :D

Sarah
 
Sarah,

Thanks for the kind words...

2Cor521
 
This is my first post in several months. I have been distracted with "real life" with my DW and her health issues. But, this thread struck a chord with me and I felt the need to respond.

First of all, I have been married three times. Divorced once; widowed once. Rmarried at age 53 two and a half years ago.

My first marriage was to my High School sweatheart. It lasted through two kids, several job moves, 5 houses, and 15 years. It left me in deep debt with no credit and a single parent. It also was a wake-up call on what is really important in life and in love.

Wife #2 was a close friend for many years (not like you think) and a few years after my divorce and yet another job move we ended up in the same location and started dating. Marriage soon followed. We were compatible in many ways yet very different in others. But, like so many others have said here, we were compatible in the major areas of lifestyle, financial beliefs, religious beliefs, and our dream of FIRE. We worked towards fire for the almost 10 years we were married. She made it there first but it was shortlived. 7 months after her retirement from a 34 year career she passed away.

Wife #3 was discovered after I started dating again. I met many nice and not so nice women during that time but she was clearly the one I wanted to share the rest of my life with. I asked her on bended knee on the beach in Maui at sunset. That was how I felt (and continue to feel) about her. It was not an analytical decision, it was an emotional one but not a blind one.

Since then our lives have been turned upside down. She had major back surgery last summer; followed by another and then a long and very painful "recovery" period. The short of it is that she is now disabled and requires large doses of very potent pain killers to get through the day. The changes in her physically, mentally and emotionally have been horrific and she is clearly a different person than the one I married not so long ago. However, while our future may now be on a different path and our relationship has changed in many ways; we still share the love we had before all this happened and that is what allows the relationship to bend without breaking.

No one knows what will happen in the future. No one can predict how you or your spouse will change over time. No one knows if or when your love might fade or when you or your spouse will die. All we can do is make an informed decision and then live with the eventual outcome.

If and when you truly fall in love (and are not just in heat) you will now it. What you choose to do with those feelings will depend on your view of your future and your desire to share a binding future with your SO. As someone here already stated, if you have to ask....you're not in love.
 
SecondCor521 said:
On my list, there are 40 criteria, of which my ex-wife meets 30. However, out of my fundamental must haves, she only (currently) meets 3 out of 6.
Click to expand...

::) ::) ::)

My own list would have only 4 items:

She likes to do it; she doesn't poop in the bed; she can tolerate me; I can tolerate her.

These four seem more or less insurmountable, mostly failing on #3.

Ha
 
What if you invested in some rubber sheets and relaxed #2? :-X
 
Steve- I am really sorry to hear of your wife's troubles. She is lucky to have such a strong and loving guy in her corner.

Best wishes to both of you.

Ha
 
HaHa said:
::) ::) ::)

My own list would have only 4 items:

She likes to do it; she doesn't poop in the bed; she can tolerate me; I can tolerate her.

These four seem more or less unsurmountable, mostly failing on #3.

Ha
Click to expand...

Make that seven musts... :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

2Cor521
 
HaHa said:
::) ::) ::)

My own list would have only 4 items:

She likes to do it; she doesn't poop in the bed; she can tolerate me; I can tolerate her.

These four seem more or less unsurmountable, mostly failing on #3.

Ha
Click to expand...

Heck, I couldn't tolerate me.
 
SteveR,
I, too, am sorry about your wife having been ill. I have missed your posts and remembered you mentioning that she has had some health problems.

My father was house-bound for 13 years after a heart attack and several strokes--paralyzed on one side of his body, and got a leg amputated on the other side. Our house was not made for wheelchair mobility so he would need to be carried by "houseboys" from one room to another.

My mom told me that she knew that when they were married in 1944 that he loved her more than she did him, but in the end she said she proved her love by staying with him and caring for him all those years. She would sometimes find it hard because my dad could become demanding and unreasonable out of frustration but she was patient with him for the most part, and she was also able to run their little business and keep food on the table and a roof above the house.

Hang in there and receive my wishes for strength and patience and better days.
 
HaHa said:
::) ::) ::)

My own list would have only 4 items:

She likes to do it; she doesn't poop in the bed; she can tolerate me; I can tolerate her.

These four seem more or less unsurmountable, mostly failing on #3.

Ha
Click to expand...
Are you rigid about that poop in the bed thing? or would you consider compromising? :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
 
sgeeeee said:
Are you rigid about that poop in the bed thing? or would you consider compromising? :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
Click to expand...

Will have to consider. But I know a deal breaker is woman on top peeing on me. Especially outdoors.

But I do think of myself as a flexible guy.

Ha
 
OK....lists??....here's my partial list....

1 ) Finances equal OR better than mine (including credit score)

2 ) Sense of humor equal or even more disgusting than mine

3 ) As sarcastic as I am...or more so

4 ) Will take ME out to dinner ocassionally (or more often than that)

5 ) Non-smoker....unless she smokes cigars...and shares them

6 ) Doesn't care if we NEVER get married

7 ) Would rather be outdoors more than indoors

8 ) Necessity of being physically attractive declines the higher her net worth is
(i.e. - Gorgeous but moderate net worth...OK! Butt-Ugly but filthy rich....OK!) :D

9 ) MUST love garlic, hot peppers, spicy food, dead critter on the Bar-B, etc

10 ) Can not only tolerate me being a smart a**....but will encourage it!!! :LOL:


The chance of me hooking up with my PERFECT woman....Pretty freakin' slim!!! :LOL: :LOL:

Oh yeah, one more thing....NO dependents....unless it's a dog!!! (NO exceptions)
 
Gosh Goonie I fit all but #9 of your list, too bad I'm taken :)

Actually that looks like a list I'd compile for my dream man which is pretty scarey.
 
Outtahere said:
Gosh Goonie I fit all but #9 of your list, too bad I'm taken :)

Actually that looks like a list I'd compile for my dream man which is pretty scarey.
Click to expand...

Maybe we were twins born to different mothers! :D
 
Goonie said:
Maybe we were twins born to different mothers! :D
Click to expand...

LMAO!! or we live in some kind of strange parallel universe.
 
I think a couple of warning bells that men should look out for are those women who seem more interested in planning the wedding rather than what comes after. I'm talking about the Bridezillas who want to max out the credit cards so they can be Princess for a day, have to have a rock on their finger bigger than all their friends, and have already picked out their children's names. These types are not so much looking for love, but for someone or should I say anyone reasonable, to help them fulfil their destiny.
 
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