How do you decide whom to marry? (Re: if you had only known...)

[SecondCor521]

I think a couple of warning bells that men should look out for are those women who seem more interested in planning the wedding rather than what comes after. I'm talking about the Bridezillas who want to max out the credit cards so they can be Princess for a day, have to have a rock on their finger bigger than all their friends, and have already picked out their children's names. These types are not so much looking for love, but for someone or should I say anyone reasonable, to help them fulfil their destiny.

This is covered in different ways under three of my six musts.

Hey, keep 'em coming...I may have missed something that I need to add...

2Cor521

 

[bright eyed]

First things first - work on yourself.

Make sure you know what you enjoy - have your own hobbies, friends - likes and dislikes. That way you can truly find someone who you are compatable with.

At your young age i think it is hard for you to say what you want perhaps because you need to experience life - travel on your own. That way when you travel w/ someone special you can see if that enhances or detracts from the experience - that is a great way to see if 1) you should be with this person much longer and/or 2) you would rather be alone.

I do think work and financial habits are an important consideration - but don't be overly concerned with that until you're with someone for at least a few months.

also, have a few long relationships - then you can work out your own personal "issues" and kinks. some people just stink at being in a relationship - or relating at all, and need a few to learn how to be a partner at all!

after a good relationship for at least a year, if you still love being around them, feel happy and excited to see them - then start thinking about making a commitment!

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Are you rigid about that poop in the bed thing? or would you consider compromising?

Reminds me of an old Howie Mandel bit. He said if he ever had daughters, his plan was to not potty train them. That way he'd be sure they'd be home early from dates. Because that was always his rule...girl poops in the car, take her home. Unless she had really big boobs.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

These types are not so much looking for love, but for someone or should I say anyone reasonable, to help them fulfil their destiny.

My wife refers to those situations as "the bride and the sperm donor".

 

[TromboneAl]

No one can predict how you or your spouse will change over time.

Thanks for the interesting post, SteveR. I hope you'll find a solution to the pain problem.

Related to changes in your partner, my wife had surgery for a brain tumor nine years ago, and she became different after that. Fortunately, not in a bad way, and I'd say that most casual friends wouldn't notice.

Before the surgery think sharp-edged career woman; after: softer, warmer, at-home type. Before, we were very equal in making decisions; now, it's more like I'm the president and she's the vice-president with veto power. I'm very good at not abusing my power, but I can tell you that things run more smoothly when one person is more "in charge" than the other.

Life can be pretty interesting, huh?

 

[brewer12345]

Interesting, Al. My grandmother went through a similar transition after she had a stroke.

 

[Khan]

My wife refers to those situations as "the bride and the sperm donor".

And walking wallet.

 

[Elderdude]

I don't have a clue why my marriage works! On our first date I fell in love and have been for the last 36 years. We started off living together immediately after our first date and did so for the next two years. I told her just say when on marriage and she did, thankfully. We had similar family backgrounds and had some strange coincidental connections that we found out about latter.

We worked together many years in low paying jobs managing someone else's business. Went back to night school together. Got government jobs with upward mobility around the same time. Discovered camping, gardening, dogs and cats (but no kids by choice,) love to travel together, drink and dine together.

I cook and buy groceries, do minor home repairs, deal with various vendors inside and outside the house. She shops for clothes and gifts, does the laundry and cleans house. We both like to read, watch movies and TV, and veg out at home.

We rarely seek the company of others. She's the introvert, I'm the extrovert. (Although we've found she is the one people feel comfortable with, I usually establish the contacts.) She's a Taurus, I'm a Leo and neither of us takes the stars or religion seriously. We are both liberal Democrats who vote but do not participate in politics otherwise.

We've slept in the same bed for all but 2 or 3 nights since our first date. In less than six months, we will find out how we fare in continuous retirement. I seriously doubt we won't be able to survive that together either.

I mind the finances, (now that we have some,) but she is fully informed, has access to all the accounts, and although she often says, "Do what you think is best," we always make group decisions on the big purchase items.

But I don't have a clue what rules to follow seeking the perfect mate. I have seen some strange combinations seem to work but haven't a clue as to how. I think its mainly just luck and I'm lucky in love and it pretty much cures all ills.

 

[SteveR]

deleted

 

[bosco]

High Want: 7 ("No tattoos")

Hadn't even thought about the tattoo thing until I was between marriages in about 95 and went out with a woman who had a fairly good-sized phoenix tattood just above her left boob.

I remember thinking "man, I thought these things were supposed to rise from the ashes, not fall with age...."

 

[FinanceDude]

Hadn't even thought about the tattoo thing until I was between marriages in about 95 and went out with a woman who had a fairly good-sized phoenix tattood just above her left boob.

I remember thinking "man, I thought these things were supposed to rise from the ashes, not fall with age...."

 

[haha]

Looking back my main concern seemed to be avoiding anyone who reminded me in any way of my mother.

Perhaps not the best decision rule. Or at least an incomplete one.

Ha

 

[Sundance Kid]

What does the Court say, regarding the paternity test results?

(Sorry, Just one of those days.)

 

[riskadverse]

....I'm dang pleased I waited until I was 40.

I concur! Wait until 40. At that point you're about as grown up as you're ever going to be, and she should be too.

 

[Sam]

I concur! Wait until 40. At that point you're about as grown up as you're ever going to be, and she should be too.

It's fine at 40 as long as children are not in the planning.

But if a child is desired, the picture doesn't not look to bright. Married at 40, child born at 42, sport activities with child in late 40's to early 50's, high school graduation at 60, college completion at 64. First grandchild at, nah... forget it.

 

[haha]

Not only this, but by age 40 a woman's fertility has declined markedly, as has her chance to have an uneventful pregnancy and / or a healthy baby.

Ha

 

[Dreamer]

I hear ya Elderdude and agree. I also have no idea why our marriage works, since we did everything the wrong way!

DH and I went out on a Sat night and he left the next day to go back to the city he was living in (approx 3 hrs away). He came back the following Sat and took me back to live with him. He was in the Air Force at the time. We were married exactly 1 month from the day that we met. I was 19 and he was 20. We were dirt poor. Luckily, we waited until I was 25 to have our first child. That gave us some time to get to know each other and to grow up. Those first years were very hard and touch and go for awhile. My spouse went to college after the Air Force via the GI Bill. We definitely could not afford college at the beginning. I started working for the Fed gov on the Air Force base as a GS-2 Step 1 temporary not to exceed 90 days. I started going to college also. I stopped when I was pregnant with my son and I was working full-time and going to college 3/4 time and anemic. Dr wanted me to either stop working or school. Of course stopping work was not an option at that time, so I quit college. I was the type of person that never quite felt like I measured up. I felt guilty that my child was in daycare (vast majority of my close family were stay at home mothers) and that I was not the perfect employee (I took off when my child was sick). My spouse told me that I could go back to school and get my college degree, but I did not want to leave my children after they had been with a sitter or school all day. We all make our choices.

We were willing to work at our marriage and it was a lot of work, especially those first years . My spouse's family never went to church and he had no desire to go to church. I did not go to church for approximately 15 years. I decided that I wanted my son to grow up in the church and my son and I started going when he was in the fourth grade. My spouse did not attend with us. It was important to me that he attend also. I would ask for him to attend church, as my birthday or Christmas present. He finally agreed and is now a trustee at our church. He did two mission trips last year. We have grown up together and share many memories. I can not imagine my life without him in it.

Neither of us were very good marriage prospects. We would have failed most of the people's criteria for a partner. We have been married for over 34 years. We own our own house and do not have any debt, other than the credit card that we pay off monthly. I retired from the Fed gov after 32 years and 8 mos. DH is still working and likes his job. We are not rich, by a long shot. We are comfortable and we are happy!

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

At that point you're about as grown up as you're ever going to be

Wait for it.......

Not only this, but by age 40 a woman's fertility has declined markedly

Yeah, thats what we thought...

 

[FinanceDude]

Not only this, but by age 40 a woman's fertility has declined markedly, as has her chance to have an uneventful pregnancy and / or a healthy baby.
Ha

Darn.....read it wrong..........I mentally replaced the word "fertility" with the phrase " need for sex" ..............

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

That hasnt been my experience.

Maybe its just you!

 

[FinanceDude]

That hasnt been my experience.

Maybe its just you!