Re: how to be good parents to adult kids
Fascinating learning about family relations for the board members here - I have a bit of a different perspective:
I am the only grandchild on both sides who had good relationships with all of them and I appreciate all the good stuff they taught me - in fact so much I've said I want to be a Grandman, not a mother (which might end up being true in the end). My family lived very near my mom's parents, so I got to see them often and when my father's parent divorced, my father refused to take sides, so I and my brother (who is now dead) were the only ones to still interact with my father's father and mother. Now that all of my grandparents are dead, I miss them - in fact, my father's mother I miss the most as we could talk for hours on end about so many things. When I was very young I found her difficult to be with, but I realized as I got older that I needed to 'grow into' our relationship as she was very intelligent and worldly - which most young children aren't.
I loved the long-term view my grandparents offered me - they had lived much longer and could truly put life and its episodes into perspective.
My parents - that's a different story - they divorced when I was 15 and not amicably - in fact 23 years later, one of my parents still demands 100% loyalty to them at the expense of the other parent, which I won't give - that has seriously strained the relationship - but what I find interesting is how alike they are....to whit, neither one of them contacts me independently, only when I contact them and infrequently. They are both remarried (married longer to their 2nd spouses than to each other) and are engulfed in their current families. I have not been a burden to them either financially or emotionally for over 20 years now....in fact I believe that I may need to support them later on - I am glad to do it. My one wish, though, that we would be able to be together more and that they could let go of the past...would make things much easier. It's weird sometimes to realize you are more emotionally mature than your parents are.......
So bottom line - I wouldn't mind some advice - in fact I told my father ten years ago that I should have listened to him earlier - he told me I had to live my life and the consequences of my choices - later on I asked for his advice and he refused to give it to me......said I was an adult and would make the right choice for myself. As for advice about kids - would welcome that as well if I had kids - nice to have a bunch of different ideas to choose from.
Deserat aka Bridget
“We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm.” - George Orwell/Winston Churchill