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Old 01-17-2013, 01:54 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Buckeye View Post
If he was truly a house-hubby (cooked, cleaned, shopped, did laundry, made sure all the kid stuff was taken care of, did the yard work), it would be a different story. Unfortunately, my sister worked full-time and did most of the other chores also. She didn't want to be raising two kids completely on her own, so she made the calculation it was better to stay. She was starting to get her head screwed on right about 4 years ago but then the job loss and her choices became very limited. He also severely undermined her self-confidence and convinced her she couldn't do it all on her own which was really funny to those of us on the outside since she was ALREADY doing it all on her own!

I agree... sometimes relationships are strange... and sometimes you wonder what the heck they see in their partner... I have a sister who was in one... she never saw his faults... she was in love... and they enjoyed 35 years of marriage... so, it worked for them... I learned how to deal with the guy... and he was actually a pretty neat guy if you did not have to deal with him all the time...
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Old 01-17-2013, 02:17 PM   #22
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Kind of my point... she was there for 20 years, so there must have been some kind of mutual agreement...

She changed... he did not... to me that is the problem...
Yes, she changed. She basically had a nervous breakdown because she couldn't carry the load and the mental abuse anymore. If you didn't agree with him, his solution was to yell louder.
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Old 01-17-2013, 02:29 PM   #23
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People change over time - or don't. Thats why divorce happens. Sometimes its best. No one should put up with abuse.

My wife has never made much money but has contributed in many other ways. I don't worry about it. It does seem that men who don't carry the financial load are looked down on. Even if that was the agreement.
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:30 PM   #24
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I just reread some of the responses and I got the impression some of you might have assumed I was busting on BIL for his lack of financial support simply because he was "the man of the house" and was expected to "bring home the bacon." That's not the case at all and it never crossed my mind. In my family, my mom, my sister, and I have all been the primary breadwinners.

BIL should be help support his family financially because he's part of a team and the whole thing is going to go down the tubes if the bills aren't paid. I guess he assumes my sister will get the job done as she has done for the last 20 years. The ride on the gravy train might be over sooner than he thinks.
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:01 PM   #25
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All the deluded gentlemen on this board who are now or have in the past considered retiring or semi-retiring or becoming house husbands while their better halves continue to work, take heed.

Nothing is more certain than whatever a society is most at pains to deny, is certainly true. In America we supposedly have equal expectations of the genders, but just reading this board it is obvious that this not true. Look how men here accept honey-do lists, which are actually only warranted in a boss/employee relationship.

It is very easy for a woman to lose respect for her man, if he is not carrying a good portion of whatever she considers the family load. Tens of thousands of years of human evolution support this.

Men, your wife will never admit this, but you forget it at your peril.

Ha
There is a lot of truth to what you say. But I think you may be misreading some of the 'honey-do list' comments.

I've probably talked about my 'honey-do list'. And if it sounds like it's being forced on me, that's in jest (oh poor me, gotta do this or I'm in trouble!).

The reality is, I don't 'accept' those jobs as in a boss/employee relationship (do it or else). It's a team thing - she might mention that she thinks it would be nice to have a corner shelf added to the 4-season room, could I make one out of the cedar scraps we had left over so it all matches? And I say, yeah, I think so, and that sounds like a good idea. Or no, it would be in the way, maybe this or that instead, or forget about it. It usually goes smoothly, occasionally not, but life's not perfect.

And we each have a ton of jobs that never make it to any 'to-do' list, but we do what makes sense, again as a team. She's not going to fix and maintain cars, appliances or most typical 'handyman' type jobs (though I know some women are far handier than some men), would prefer I do the taxes and other financial matters. So I do those and she does a host of other things, meals most nights, shopping, the laundry, and on and on.

I agree with your 'evolution' comment, and I have sensed that from time to time. I find the cure is to do something more 'visible', so she sees the result of the work I do.

-ERD50
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