How Your Kids Can Ruin Your Retirement

[Teacher Terry]

Red duck, he cannot afford to travel because all their money has been spent supporting a adult son. What happens when they can’t afford to or the parents die? I call that enabling. If he is too disabled to work he should apply for SSDI if he has 40 quarters of work or SSI if not. The

 

[redduck]

Red duck, he cannot afford to travel because all their money has been spent supporting a adult son. What happens when they can’t afford to or the parents die? I call that enabling. If he is too disabled to work he should apply for SSDI if he has 40 quarters of work or SSI if not. The

If the Independents are enabling, I think that means they are enabling their son to continue on the path that he is on. But, it sounds like the son isn't on a self-destructive path as he's in therapy and going to AA. So, is it still considered to enabling to help keep someone on a positive path? I don't know. I do agree that SSDI or SSI should be looked into. I would think that the psychiatrist or psychologist would have brought SSDI/SSI up or maybe it would have been mentioned in an AA meeting. Maybe Independent could illuminate on this as I don't recall it being mentioned in describing the son's situation.

I consider the Independents to be in a blessed situation because they are able to financially help their son.

 

[Teacher Terry]

The son could also go to the Department of Vocational rehabilitation for assistance with finding a job compatible with his disability. Red, again what happens when the money is gone or the parents die?

 

[gwraigty]

The son could also go to the Department of Vocational rehabilitation for assistance with finding a job compatible with his disability. Red, again what happens when the money is gone or the parents die?

Please quit bickering with Red. You disagree. So what. Get over it. Not Red's issue, so why do you keep asking? I don't think Independent asked either. I can only imagine how Independent must be feeling about all this. It took a lot of courage to put that out there. Let it go already.

 

[Teacher Terry]

G, it takes a lot of courage for most people to share their personal experiences in this area. I am merely responding to his posts. You get over it.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

A lot of behavior can be linked brain health, which in turn is linked to diet, head injuries, sleep patterns, exercise, gut bacteria, environmental toxins, brain lesions, etc. Parenting style is only one of many factors that influence adult behavior and really maybe it is not even the largest factor.

"In a study published in Nature Human Behavior, researchers led by neuroscientists at Duke University showed that those with the lowest 20% brain health results aged three went on to commit more than 80% of crimes as adults." Source: https://qz.com/866064/neuroscience-study-brain-tests-identify-future-criminals-as-toddlers/

 

[Jeffman52]

Addiction destroys lives no matter the background or education of the person involved. I had a friend who I worked with for 15 years. We started in the same department together, both in entry level positions where we both worked our way up along different paths for the same company. He built a solid life and career in IT. Eventually becoming an infrastructure Director for a major corp. Hours were good, he had the respect of everyone he met. Beautiful family, kids, health conscious with a black belt in some form of martial arts. It all went south oh so incrementally at first and accelerated over a couple of years. He started missing meetings and not showing up for work. The last time I saw him he was a shadow of his former self. Our meeting was cordial and his smile and underlying good nature had not changed but you could tell, something had changed and not for the better. Soon after, he lost his job, his family and his health. He eventually moved to New Orleans where he lost his life in a drug deal gone wrong.

 

[Moemg]

My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child to drugs . I lost a child but due to a freak accident and it leaves a hole in your heart that never goes away .

 

[Independent]

Thanks for the multiple comments above. This helps me be rational.

Yes, what happens when we run out of money? Right now, SS and pension covers almost everything for both households. We just have to be much thriftier than I had expected. But, the pension isn't COLA'd. We've got a LTC war chest, but it has started to shrink (some day I'll start a poll on that).

I've certainly thought about SSI. SSDI is out of the question because he doesn't have 10 years of work (this started in law school). So far, I've really hated to see him convince a judge that he is totally and permanently disabled. He worked a couple months last year on a temporary document review job, but didn't get called back for any additional jobs at the same firm. I wonder if he was falling asleep on the job.

The least bad plan at this point is to squeeze on the amount of money. First, because I need to do that financially. But, there is always the hope that he'll find the energy to at least work part time.

And, there are more moving parts here than I'm willing to share, mostly because I'm ashamed that I didn't take stronger actions sooner.

(And, I could open a whole nother tangent on my wife's brother and his wife. But, I believe that saying "no more" really worked there.)

 

[LRDave]

I'll just add that the actions of an enabling parent are often to try and keep them alive one more day.

Raw thread -but very meaningful. I appreciate all the soul-bearing here. Wiping away tears...

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I'll just add that the actions of an enabling parent are often to try and keep them alive one more day.

Raw thread -but very meaningful. I appreciate all the soul-bearing here. Wiping away tears...

We have lost three people we knew to suicide in the last few years. No connections to each other - neighbor, friend and family member. I don't see helping someone suffering from depression or addiction as enabling. I think of those issues as diseases, just like it wouldn't be enabling to help someone unable to work due to cancer or heart disease. Depression, like many other chronic illnesses, is heavily linked to diet.

 

[kgtest]

On the other side of the coin if it wasn't for marrying a good woman and having my daughters I could see me being dead or imprisoned by 30. Having someone to be better for was a great motivator.

+1 I remember my best friend *ultimately best man in my wedding before I was dating my now wife..says to me "She will never date you, you need to get your $hit together before you date a girl like that!"

Well he was right about one thing, she sure did expect me to get my $hit together before we wed, but she did take a date after a few aggressive tactics.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Independent, how about going to the Department of Vocational rehabilitation to see if they can help him get to work. The total purpose is to help people with disabilities return to work even on a part time basis. They often have relationships with understanding employers. It’s free because our taxes pay for it. In no way am I trying to add to your pain but besides being through it myself I also helped parents navigate through these horrible waters. I wish you the best.

 

[redduck]

Thanks for the multiple comments above. This helps me be rational.


I've certainly thought about SSI. SSDI is out of the question because he doesn't have 10 years of work (this started in law school). So far, I've really hated to see him convince a judge that he is totally and permanently disabled. He worked a couple months last year on a temporary document review job, but didn't get called back for any additional jobs at the same firm. I wonder if he was falling asleep on the job.

The disability system (given my meager understanding of it) is to help people in your son's situation. So, a rational option (given my meager understanding of this concept) would be to use this resource.

And some confusion (a concept right in my wheelhouse), you say you "hated to see him convince a judge." Past tense. Has he already tried to obtain disability?

I agree with you: rational decisions are going to work best for all concerned. (You didn't say that exactly, but, I'm willing to give you the credit for saying it).

 

[ivinsfan]

I'll just add that the actions of an enabling parent are often to try and keep them alive one more day.

Raw thread -but very meaningful. I appreciate all the soul-bearing here. Wiping away tears...

Spot on and I'll add it's easy for those of us who haven't experienced this to give well meaning advice and say "I'd do this and that".

My two DD's are doing wonderfully and an immense pleasure in my life. My DS's only child, a daughter is struggling mightily and I live in fear of getting horrible news some day. She has threatened suicide on and off since before puberty. As the years have passed (she's 22 now) my sister has gotten into a depression and anxiety spiral as well.

I've sat helplessly by and watched this unfold. After a family trip where two different family members asked me if my DS was "high" due to her manic demeanor, I tried to talk her about self care and perhaps finding someone professional she could talk to. Sister hasn't spoken to me since except to lash out at me for insulting her by thinking she needed a "shrink". Her own daughter has had counseling on and off for 10 years but apparently seeking help is a bad thing.

Honestly, unless you have lived some version of this issue you don't realize that you are "Dam$%d if you do and Dam#$ed if you don't.

 

[golfnut]

I find it so alarming (disturbing) to hear about the suicides/fatal overdoses here in the Chicago burbs. I'm hearing it from our son and our next door neighbor's sons. It seems they all relate to heroin and these users are all from affluent families.

 

[Independent]

The disability system (given my meager understanding of it) is to help people in your son's situation. So, a rational option (given my meager understanding of this concept) would be to use this resource.

And some confusion (a concept right in my wheelhouse), you say you "hated to see him convince a judge." Past tense. Has he already tried to obtain disability?

I agree with you: rational decisions are going to work best for all concerned. (You didn't say that exactly, but, I'm willing to give you the credit for saying it).

He doesn't have enough work history to qualify for regular SS disability benefits. That leaves SSI which has a maximum benefit of $771/mo. (In his case, there are complications even for that)

To get it, he has to convince the system that he'll never work again. I'm not ready to give up on that possibility.


Update: Visiting with him, he has extreme fatigue. As in he can fall asleep at any time. When he sleeps, he seems to breathe very coarsely. He found the energy to get a sleep evaluation and, yep, sleep apnea. I'm pretty sure that even successful treatment of that will not get him back to normal energy levels. The depression predates the sleep disorder. But, it would be a move in the right direction.

 

[Independent]

Independent, how about going to the Department of Vocational rehabilitation to see if they can help him get to work. The total purpose is to help people with disabilities return to work even on a part time basis. They often have relationships with understanding employers. It’s free because our taxes pay for it. In no way am I trying to add to your pain but besides being through it myself I also helped parents navigate through these horrible waters. I wish you the best.

I hadn't thought about that. I guess I had a notion of the type of problems they work with that didn't include his. It's a possibility.

 

[Teacher Terry]

We worked with many people that had psychiatric disabilities. Plus getting SSI isn’t permanent. We have had people move between working and being on disability depending on the their disability. We had some clients working part time and still collecting some of their disability. There is also a 9 month trial period where you aren’t penalized for working to see if you can maintain it. Lots of options and nothing has to be permanent . I retired 7 years ago but this is how it worked then.

 

[Independent]

We worked with many people that had psychiatric disabilities. Plus getting SSI isn’t permanent. We have had people move between working and being on disability depending on the their disability. We had some clients working part time and still collecting some of their disability. There is also a 9 month trial period where you aren’t penalized for working to see if you can maintain it. Lots of options and nothing has to be permanent . I retired 7 years ago but this is how it worked then.

Thanks. That opens up some possibilities.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I always try to share because many people don’t know about VR and the services available.