I need canceled wedding advice...

[DougViages]

Not my wedding, my daughter's. She called me over the weekend, her and fiancee have split and he moved out. I have spent about $4500 so far on a December, 2008 wedding. At least $1500 - 2000 is just gone, but, I bought them a package trip through Apple Vacations at an all-inclusive down on the Mayan Riviera for the week of 10/4 to 10/11. My DW and I are actually down at another all-inclusive from 9/27 to 10/4 (just a conincidence).

I told my Daughter that my wife and I would use the second week, and push our flights home back a week. My daughter is disappointed that she is going. Did I do wrong here? What's the opinion?

 

[Leonidas]

My daughter is disappointed that she is going. Did I do wrong here? What's the opinion?

I'm assuming you meant that she is disappointed because she is not going. Answering that question: No, I don't think you did anything wrong. The trip was a gift to celebrate an event in her life, and now the event is not happening.

 

[Sarah in SC]

So did you mean to say that your daughter is disappointed she is not going?
If that is the case, then if she wants to use the week, she can just pay you exactly what you paid for the vacation. Seems fair to me.
I think she might be focusing on the vacation so she doesn't have to focus on the relationship's failure and all the other things associated with that. Be supportive of the emotional stuff, but stand your ground on the financial.

Oh, and I have no kids so I don't know what the heck I'm talking about, but my dad did pay for my wedding a hundred years ago. We paid for the honeymoon.

 

[Leonidas]

I think she might be focusing on the vacation so she doesn't have to focus on the relationship's failure and all the other things associated with that. Be supportive of the emotional stuff, but stand your ground on the financial.

I thought of that option, but I figured that it would be depressing going on the trip that she had planned to take with her new husband and love of her life, the same guy who is now known as that rotten #@$%#$.

 

[REWahoo]

... my dad did pay for my wedding a hundred years ago.

I understand the traditional gift for celebrating your 100th anniversary is a 10K or larger diamond. How big is yours? (Yes, I'm still talking about diamonds here...)


Back to the subject... No, I don't think you did anything wrong. I question how much she would really enjoy the trip thinking it was supposed to be her honeymoon.

 

[socca]

You flush $2000 down the toilet on an aborted wedding, and now your daughter is moaning that she doesn't get to go on her honeymoon anyway? Do I really need to say anything more?

 

[Achiever51]

Better to call off a wedding than to get a divorce...

As for the trip, perhaps your daughter was thinking that she'd prefer to go with a friend?? Why don't you ask her? (And, yes, I think it's appropriate for her to pay for at least a portion of the trip if she goes.)

 

[WM]

I agree, you didn't do anything wrong. My parents also paid for my wedding, but not the honeymoon, and if they had, and I'd called off the wedding, I certainly wouldn't have expected to get a free fabulous vacation out of the deal.

If she does want to go with a friend instead and the two of them want to pay for it, fine. I don't see why you should pay for it, though.

 

[dex]

You flush $2000 down the toilet on an aborted wedding, and now your daughter is moaning that she doesn't get to go on her honeymoon anyway? Do I really need to say anything more?

Tough love, but true.

 

[bright eyed]

Aside from the money, she's probably just in the pits right now and may not know what she wants or doesn't want. She might have even offered not going on her own, but perhaps felt like it was taken away without any discussion?

Not sure how the discussion went between you two, the emotional part has to be as important as the money...

 

[DougViages]

Thanks for the advice and viewpoints

I'll be talking with her again this afternoon. I will keep the emotional points in mind, and see how she wants to handle things.

Thanks, again.

 

[FinanceDude]

Not my wedding, my daughter's. She called me over the weekend, her and fiancee have split and he moved out. I have spent about $4500 so far on a December, 2008 wedding. At least $1500 - 2000 is just gone, but, I bought them a package trip through Apple Vacations at an all-inclusive down on the Mayan Riviera for the week of 10/4 to 10/11. My DW and I are actually down at another all-inclusive from 9/27 to 10/4 (just a conincidence).

I told my Daughter that my wife and I would use the second week, and push our flights home back a week. My daughter is disappointed that she is going. Did I do wrong here? What's the opinion?

Ok...........YOU bought the trip as a WEDDING present, right? Well, if they are not getting married, there is NO WEDDING, and therefore there is no present........

I think she wants the week to clear her mind and forget about the misery. However, a bottle of whiskey or two pitchers of Sangria can do the same thing for a lot less........

 

[rs0460a]

I think she wants the week to clear her mind and forget about the misery. However, a bottle of whiskey or two pitchers of Sangria can do the same thing for a lot less........

Same solution if you are married for an extensive period of time ...

- Ron

 

[haha]

I would take the one week yourselves, and invite your daughter to join you for the other. She is undoubtedly distraught. She has lost a lover, a friend, a vision of her future- and has suffered no small embarrassment too.

For all you know, all of you have escaped some real pain just over the hill.

Be a sport, invite her along!

Ha

 

[Bestwifeever]

That's a really nice idea, ha.

 

[Nords]

I have spent about $4500 so far on a December, 2008 wedding.

I'm sorry, my brain is still locked up on this part of the post. I'm afraid to ask what $4500 buys, and I'm even more afraid to find out that it's a down payment on the whole wedding package.

But what the heck am I thinking, that IS a down payment-- on a home!!

Guess I'm gonna have a long talk with spouse someday about how we support our daughter's wedding... or rather, what parts.

 

[REWahoo]

Guess I'm gonna have a long talk with spouse someday about how we support our daughter's wedding... or rather, what parts.

Heh, heh, heh. I think you have just identified the perfect candidate for that little philanthropic undertaking you've been pondering.

 

[Nords]

Heh, heh, heh. I think you have just identified the perfect candidate for that little philanthropic undertaking you've been pondering.

Cool! What tax form do I take the deduction on?

Sorry... I tend to view all nuptials through the filters of (1) ours, 35 people in a restaurant and (2) shipmates from two multi-generation Navy families who were married in Monterey's best cathedral and hosted a reception for 200+ at Pebble Beach's clubhouse.

As for our kid and her fiancé, maybe we'll test the strength of their [-]commitment[/-] engagement even before the blessed day. "Guys, here's a check for $$$$ made out to both of you, so you both have to endorse it to cash it. We don't know if there'll be any more checks, and for all you know it consititutes what's left of your inheritance. So I suggest that you spend it on either a helluva wedding or a 20% down payment on a home... you decide!"

Joining the family business will be challenging enough-- hopefully she won't decide to marry [-]a nuke[/-] an aviator too. But, hey, her life, her problems.

 

[GoodSense]

I like Ha's idea. She probably had high expectations (for both the wedding and the vacation). Now that both are gone, she's probably really disappointed. If it's already paid for, having her along shouldn't add that much to the expense, and ask her to pay for some of it, if not all of the additional costs.

 

[chris2008]

I understand that the trip is not the wedding gift and not the honeymoon as it is prior to the wedding.
So it is a gift you made to DD + run away friend and it is already "made" as DD knows about the trip.
I would not take away the portion of your daughter from her just because she was left by her friend.

What was the result of your talk?

 

[DougViages]

I talked to my DD - Honeymoon Status

I offered her to take the week with a girlfriend if they paid me one half of my cost ($2,800). She says that she is out a couple of thousand dollars on wedding related expenses already. I reminded her that I had kicked in about $2,500 to those expenses also, and that I didn't expect to be reimbursed for those funds.

She has trouble understanding why I can't just let her go down on the trip with a friend, without asking for money. I explained it about three times, saying that I would, in essence, fund a bargain trip for her. She says that shes has no money, even to pay me over the next six months. So, I guess that my DW and I will take an extra week down in Mexico.

I guess that this kind of situation is just "life", and my DD will need to learn from it.

 

[Sarah in SC]

A wise but difficult decision, Doug. She will be better for it. Good for you.

 

[bbbamI]

FWIW, I think you did the right thing. Once she heals, she will be a stronger and wiser person. Even though she may not realize it now, you are giving her the chance to find out what being an adult is all about.

 

[simple girl]

That must have been such a tough talk. Boy, I have a lot of respect for you parents out there. I think you did the right thing.

 

[haha]

Thsi is puzzling to me. What is she supposed to learn from this? That she shouldn't break off engagements at the last minute? I doubt this will become a chronic problem.That her Dad would like her married, so he is willing to giver her a trip as a married woman, but unwilling to give her the trip single? That she should hit her Visa Card so that she can pay what has now become a funds matching proposition?

Dad clearly could afford it- he has already paid. He just has second thoughts about what he is getting for his money.

Guess everyone sees these things differently. I know I would likely have some not so warm fuzzies if this were me in daughter's shoes.

Ha