Internet dating advice wanted/needed
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Kronk
Full time employment: Posting here.
I'm fairly surprised by the sheer number of people finding their significant other over the internet. I suppose the percentage of couples meeting this way will continue to increase over time.
I met DW in college, so never had to go through that.
I met DW in college, so never had to go through that.
W2R
Moderator Emeritus
Before I met Frank, I have to admit the internet sure seemed more apropos than church groups or singles bars for a teetotaling agnostic like me!
Texas Proud
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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LOL.. that is where I met the witch (I mean a real one... not how she acted)... lucky for me we only were writing to each other for a month or two...
But otherwise, I think it is a good site... but like many... the ratio of men to women is high... and women get a lot of trolls (searching for the one night stand and such) from what I see in their profiles..
I have a good deal of experience with internet dating, including match.com (although I haven't participated in several years). I found match.com to be a good site. My suggestions are ...
In your profile, avoid having a shopping list of what you're looking for in a man (unless you really do have a shopping list). Don't describe "your ideal man." Such a man doesn't exist. I found that most women on match.com were excessively picky. One woman wanted a man whose name started with a T. This is a turnoff. Even if I satisfied their criteria, I wouldn't respond to such women. I'm not interested in demanding women whose needs can never be met. Yes, discuss your 2-4 deal breakers, but beyond that, focus on yourself.
Also, give some specifics. A man has the opportunity to read 100's of profiles. What specifics might interest him in you (do you like animals, do you like hiking, etc). A picture(s) is worth a thousand words. Have at least one picture of you smiling. My tendency was to focus on pictures that showed women doing things that they enjoyed, such as outdoor activities, or pictures of them with their pets.
Personally, I was interested in as much information as possible about a woman from her profile and initial emails. I wanted to know what she did for a living, her interests, etc. More importantly, I wanted to get a feeling about who she was as a person. Was she a big hearted woman who cared about others, or was she a control freak with a shopping list.
I usually waited for women to initiate contact with me. I'd get about 1 response a month, which was the right "pace." If you see a man you like, don't hesitate to initiate contact. He will be flattered.
If you initiate contact, don't simply say, "I read your profile and think we have a lot in common." Give specifics about what you like about him and/or why you think there could be a match.
If he initiates contact with you, ask yourself if he mentioned anything about your profile. Is he interested in you, or is he using the shotgun approach by emailing 50 women based only on their pictures.
If he initiates contact with you and you're not interested, respond back with a polite email saying that you don't believe the two of you are a match. He will be grateful that you took the time to respond (as opposed to ignoring him).
In email, ask questions. On the phone, ask questions. Personally, I'm not good on the phone and often need a written list of things or questions to talk about. I'm impressed with women who do the same (that is, women who don't expect me to be responsible for 100% of the conversation).
This is important. Meet sooner rather than later. If possible, avoid an "email relationship." It's easy to get an incorrect mental picture of someone through lots of email and phone exchanges, only to have your expectations challenged when you finally meet. There is nothing like a face-to-face encounter.
By all means, ask him out. Most men will be flattered. Most men will be attracted to your initiative.
The "coffee date" works well, as do other simple encounters. However, there is no need to be ultra-cautious. Rely on your instincts and best judgment.
Personally, I'm attracted to women who take "equal responsibility" when it comes to dating. That is, women who do not expect me to do all the work (drive to their house or near where they live, pay for the date, etc). I realize that first dates can be awkward due to social customs (e.g., should a woman offer to pay, etc), but men don't want to be treated like chumps, either. Men respond positively to *fairness*. I find that the most feminine women are those who demonstrate that they can take care of themselves.
Although they come in all sizes, men tend to enjoy physical activities. Keep this in mind when suggesting a 2nd or 3rd date. Also, many men enjoying talking about finances and money, but don't give the impression that you're interested in his money.
In your profile, avoid having a shopping list of what you're looking for in a man (unless you really do have a shopping list). Don't describe "your ideal man." Such a man doesn't exist. I found that most women on match.com were excessively picky. One woman wanted a man whose name started with a T. This is a turnoff. Even if I satisfied their criteria, I wouldn't respond to such women. I'm not interested in demanding women whose needs can never be met. Yes, discuss your 2-4 deal breakers, but beyond that, focus on yourself.
Also, give some specifics. A man has the opportunity to read 100's of profiles. What specifics might interest him in you (do you like animals, do you like hiking, etc). A picture(s) is worth a thousand words. Have at least one picture of you smiling. My tendency was to focus on pictures that showed women doing things that they enjoyed, such as outdoor activities, or pictures of them with their pets.
Personally, I was interested in as much information as possible about a woman from her profile and initial emails. I wanted to know what she did for a living, her interests, etc. More importantly, I wanted to get a feeling about who she was as a person. Was she a big hearted woman who cared about others, or was she a control freak with a shopping list.
I usually waited for women to initiate contact with me. I'd get about 1 response a month, which was the right "pace." If you see a man you like, don't hesitate to initiate contact. He will be flattered.
If you initiate contact, don't simply say, "I read your profile and think we have a lot in common." Give specifics about what you like about him and/or why you think there could be a match.
If he initiates contact with you, ask yourself if he mentioned anything about your profile. Is he interested in you, or is he using the shotgun approach by emailing 50 women based only on their pictures.
If he initiates contact with you and you're not interested, respond back with a polite email saying that you don't believe the two of you are a match. He will be grateful that you took the time to respond (as opposed to ignoring him).
In email, ask questions. On the phone, ask questions. Personally, I'm not good on the phone and often need a written list of things or questions to talk about. I'm impressed with women who do the same (that is, women who don't expect me to be responsible for 100% of the conversation).
This is important. Meet sooner rather than later. If possible, avoid an "email relationship." It's easy to get an incorrect mental picture of someone through lots of email and phone exchanges, only to have your expectations challenged when you finally meet. There is nothing like a face-to-face encounter.
By all means, ask him out. Most men will be flattered. Most men will be attracted to your initiative.
The "coffee date" works well, as do other simple encounters. However, there is no need to be ultra-cautious. Rely on your instincts and best judgment.
Personally, I'm attracted to women who take "equal responsibility" when it comes to dating. That is, women who do not expect me to do all the work (drive to their house or near where they live, pay for the date, etc). I realize that first dates can be awkward due to social customs (e.g., should a woman offer to pay, etc), but men don't want to be treated like chumps, either. Men respond positively to *fairness*. I find that the most feminine women are those who demonstrate that they can take care of themselves.
Although they come in all sizes, men tend to enjoy physical activities. Keep this in mind when suggesting a 2nd or 3rd date. Also, many men enjoying talking about finances and money, but don't give the impression that you're interested in his money.
Texas Proud
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
- May 16, 2005
- Messages
- 17,266
Just to let it all hang out... I even tried one of those 5 minute or 10 minute mass dates you see on TV....
I met a couple of prospect there... but only one put me down... a couple of phone calls and then a date... well, not for each other.... continue looking....
I only did this one time... so I do not know if it is successful or not..
Again... for me it was trying to find the right one... and I wanted to have as many possibilites as I could get.... so online dating gave me many.. I can not stand the bar scene (and am not a stud, so it didn't work out anyhow
)....
I met a couple of prospect there... but only one put me down... a couple of phone calls and then a date... well, not for each other.... continue looking....
I only did this one time... so I do not know if it is successful or not..
Again... for me it was trying to find the right one... and I wanted to have as many possibilites as I could get.... so online dating gave me many.. I can not stand the bar scene (and am not a stud, so it didn't work out anyhow
)....
CuppaJoe
Moderator Emeritus
Sad and wonderful that so many people meet this way: SO's niece worked on one the those matchmaker sites when it was a startup; she seems to have retired very very early and very well, met her DH through his brother-in-law; they now have a very nice house near their "boat," and have two young children.
I would add, if you go the coffee shop route, choose a place you don't usually frequent, in a different neighborhood.
Good luck, Old Babe.
I would add, if you go the coffee shop route, choose a place you don't usually frequent, in a different neighborhood.
Good luck, Old Babe.
HFWR
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
A trombone?
I met a few insignificant others on match; guess I didn't hear from the ones who felt that way about me...
Wow, I'm really impressed by all the response! Thanks to all for the encouragement. I guess you all realize how unnerving this dating thing can be for an "oldbabe."
I will certainly keep in mind all your admonitions. Shawn, thank you so much for all the information. Very helpful.
TromboneAl, thanks for the congrats.
Texas Proud, how funny that your date turned out to be a "wiccan"!
Want2Retire, thanks for offering your personal experiences too.
I'm a little concerned about revealing information about myself and the suggestion to get a throwaway phone is an interesting one. Wouldn't using the "private" feature on my phone work to keep my number private?
I'm not one of those women with a "shopping list" but there are a few deal breakers. Since I'm on this forum it's no surprise that one of them is financial responsibility. I wonder if I should mention that in my profile? How about if I write, "I value financial responsibility and hope that my partner will be prepared for retirement, as I am."
I will certainly keep in mind all your admonitions. Shawn, thank you so much for all the information. Very helpful.
TromboneAl, thanks for the congrats.
Texas Proud, how funny that your date turned out to be a "wiccan"!
Want2Retire, thanks for offering your personal experiences too.
I'm a little concerned about revealing information about myself and the suggestion to get a throwaway phone is an interesting one. Wouldn't using the "private" feature on my phone work to keep my number private?
I'm not one of those women with a "shopping list" but there are a few deal breakers. Since I'm on this forum it's no surprise that one of them is financial responsibility. I wonder if I should mention that in my profile? How about if I write, "I value financial responsibility and hope that my partner will be prepared for retirement, as I am."
calmloki
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Think that would make you stand out from the crowd. A bit different than the "22, hot bod, three lovely kids 2-5, looking for stable older wallet, er,...". Guys don't like being used, probably almost as much as women.
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Wow, I'm really impressed by all the response! Thanks to all for the encouragement. I guess you all realize how unnerving this dating thing can be for an "oldbabe."
I will certainly keep in mind all your admonitions. Shawn, thank you so much for all the information. Very helpful.
TromboneAl, thanks for the congrats.
Texas Proud, how funny that your date turned out to be a "wiccan"!
Want2Retire, thanks for offering your personal experiences too.
I'm a little concerned about revealing information about myself and the suggestion to get a throwaway phone is an interesting one. Wouldn't using the "private" feature on my phone work to keep my number private?
I'm not one of those women with a "shopping list" but there are a few deal breakers. Since I'm on this forum it's no surprise that one of them is financial responsibility. I wonder if I should mention that in my profile? How about if I write, "I value financial responsibility and hope that my partner will be prepared for retirement, as I am."
How about I value personal responsibility- the type which makes a person polite, spend money wisely, and treat others with respect.
I would watch out using the work financial- that might appear to make you a gold digger or similar.
Man, you guys are harsh.
This tells me she's not an ounce over 110, and I've never seen her.
Ah, I'm pretty sure that REWahoo's joke was referring to Nords and "she" is a "he" as far as I know. If I'm wrong, Nords, please correct me.
That's what I was wondering, if using the word "financial" might set off some alarms. But I think I have it covered if I add the phrase "financially responsible, as I am." Don't you think that indicates that I take responsibiity for my own financial life?
These off-topic comments have become way too much [-]of a metaphor for your new dating experiences[/-] fun for me to drag out the gender facts now! I'll leave that to UncleMick and Khan.Ah, I'm pretty sure that REWahoo's joke was referring to Nords and "she" is a "he" as far as I know. If I'm wrong, Nords, please correct me.
I think most guys would agree that financially-responsible chicks are way hot, but those same guys might pehaps be a bit gunshy of the retirement comment. I'm not sure that you'd want to broadcast to a dating website that you're financially ready to retire, either. His-and-hers finances may be yet another topic best reserved for the third date...
Slate had an interesting article about dating websites. The author was just happily married to a guy she'd run into at a party. (Friends of friends, no setup.) Between them they'd belonged to a number of different dating websites, none of them overlapped, and neither of them would have given a second glance at the other's profile. The Internet would not have brought them together, but their first five-minute face-to-face conversation made all the difference.
On the other hand, here's hoping that all your upcoming experiences have less drama than our 15-year-old is seeing at her high school. It's given me many valuable opportunities to expand on the theme of "Q: What are guys thinking?!? A: They're not."
SecondCor521
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
An alternative is asking open ended questions about the areas that are important to you. So instead of "At what age prior to 65 do you plan to retire?" you might ask him his general philosophy on spending for today vs. saving for tomorrow, and if you get a suitable answer follow up with what he thinks of active versus passive investing or asset allocations or whatever.
2Cor521
2Cor521
citrine
Full time employment: Posting here.
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Congratulations on wanting to dip your toes into the dating pool.....I have tried match, yahoo, and plentyoffish.....strange experiences with all of them. It might also be the age pool that I am looking in 35-40, but these little boys still haven't got their act together.
All of my dates could not understand why I don't drink, not even one! they could not get over my liberal views, and one of them wanted to tie me up later (s&m freak).
But I wish you much luck!
All of my dates could not understand why I don't drink, not even one! they could not get over my liberal views, and one of them wanted to tie me up later (s&m freak).
But I wish you much luck!
Texas Proud
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
- Joined
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You don't want to tell someone you are prepared for retirement.... that tells more about you than you should give... and might attract someone who wants YOUR money... I have read many with 'financial stable' or something to that effect (not a loser who can not keep a job... not someone living with MOM, not someone who hasn't made a payment on time in 20 years)...
As for your phone... that is if YOU are the one who calls... the guy will want your number as well... so a throw away is good...
BTW... you can buy a phone for $10 to $20 at Virgin and get that much air time (man, I should get a percentage on this)... I had my sister get one when she put her boat up for sale... worth not having your phone number on an ad everyone can see...even the Nigerians with millions if you would only let them use your account...
SecondCor521
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I'm still flabbergasted by a comment a former colleague of mine when she informed me that several men had approached her informing her that they wanted to divorce their wives and run off with her and would that interest her. Granted, she's an extraordinary lady in many ways, but still...
2Cor521
2Cor521
Sarah in SC
Moderator Emeritus
Citrine, I don't know how mature they might be, but the Asheville boys in your/my age range will probably be more liberal, delighted that you are straight, and I'd wager that some don't drink (but may smoke). I don't know about any fetishists, but you might get lucky!
I personally know three people who hooked up and hitched up on Eharmony.com. Before dating anyone I'd look up the public court dockets online and put their name in. That way you have a chance of determining if they're loser material. Good luck and have fun!
jIMOh
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I think if I saw financially responsible, I would think "gold digger" as often as I would think "saver".
I think hinting at issue indirectly (spend wisely) is better. Because this would trigger questions to me, which would trigger learning, and that is the whole point- learn about each other.
haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
This may have been covered elsewhere in this long thread, but I would at least consider reframing the issue from "What do men want to know?" to "What do I want a particular sort of man to think and more importantly feel when he reads my ad?"
You will at least temporarily be a product. Think of managing that product's image.
Ha
