Internet dating advice wanted/needed

[Zoocat]

"sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded"~~fyodor dostoyevsky

"we all seek happiness, but turn our backs on it. we all wish to avoid misery, but race to collect its causes."~~shantideva's bodhisattvacharyavatara

"kneepads?"
"kinky!"~~dr. ruth

Touche

 

[summer2007]

I have only looked around at the dating sites and made a profile without a picture.

On yahoo I noticed that a lot of the profiles seemed phony.

I looked at plenty of fish and that site was just scary some of the profiles I read on there. Some of the women on there I think are really sick. Out of the dating sites that is one I would steer clear of.

I filled out a profile on e harmony that took forever and they rejected me! I think if you do not fit the norm you get thrown out. I don't smoke or drink so I guess there is no matches for me!

I could never understand why you would need someone else to tell you who to date anyway!

As far as asking a guy out goes I think that is great. I'm shy and like it when someone at least expresses interest if not just asks me out.

And as far as girls wanting a guy that is 6-2 goes I think 5-5-5-9 is the perfect height for getting girls. I'm a little over 6 foot and close to 6-2 in shoes and my 5-7 buddies did awesome with girls while my 6 foot buddies struggled to get a date.

I think I would have to know someone pretty well before they tied me up. And even then it would have to be just with something that you can easily get out of so you wouldn't be actually restrained. But at least if someone tells you that you know that they will likely want to play with you and that would make you way way happier than a bigger bank account and someone who has no interest in playing with you.

I'm surprised as how many are so concerned with the money end of things. If a lady was very materialistic or just blows money I would not want her. But I'm fine with someone who doesn't make a lot of money. And I for sure do not consider her a looser.

My main concern is having someone who is really loving and likes to spend time with me and play and is not malicious or crooked in any way. I really don't care about her money or job.

I don't drink or smoke so I don't like bars as you might have guessed so online is a much better place for me.

Although I always seemed to meet women at bars with no problem.

One other thing I like about dating online is you can weed out people that you know that it will not work with. Like at a bar you might have someone interested that just dose not take care of them self and there is no physical attraction at all. This can be really awkward in person and I will do nearly anything to not hurt someones feelings.


Also you might find someone attractive but they might have 5 kids with 4 different guys and you may not want to get involved with something like that. So you can weed some of that stuff out online.


Jim

 

[Orchidflower]

Summer2007/Jim, don't be offended by eHarmony rejecting you as they reject so many there are competitor's ads ridiculing them. I know of a couple people they rejected also I swim with.
eHarmony's owner is very closely connected to some really right-wing Christian church or cult. They look thru a very narrow perimeter to choose people to join their personals. This is all I know from the media, and you can probably dig out alot on them if you are interested at all.
Take it as a compliment that they rejected you. Frankly, you are surely lucky to have avoided this particular bullet.

 

[Achiever51]

Although I have no personal experience with internet dating -- a very dear friend met her SO in what I thought was a inspired way.

She had tried out several of the internet dating sites without success before deciding to place a personal ad in the Harvard alumni magazine. As a PhD herself, she really wanted to find a man with a similar education so she headed her ad with "Looking for a Rocket Scientist", and that's exactly who she found....a terrific guy who was widowed for a year or so and just starting to re-enter the dating pool.

Watching them together, I can't imagine a better match!

 

[socca]

Personally, I don't think this would make you look like a gold digger, but it does concern me that some guys may come after YOU for your money.

My Mom made (what I consider to be) a huge mistake by telling some guy she met at a resort that she's loaded, practically on the first date. From that point on, his motives have got to be suspect, IMO. He ended up moving in with her last year, and started pressuring her to get married without a prenupt. Thankfully, my Mom has (1) insisted on a prenupt, and (2) insisted that he completely disclose his financial condition before any marriage takes place. His ardor for getting married has completely evaporated. They're still shacked up, though, and she still takes him on expensive vacations. I guess he's found his Sugar Mommy, but not in the circumstances that he had hoped. She's currently willing him her home upon her death (worth around $700k), but at least he's not getting the whole ball of wax.

Watch out - it's a jungle out there!

 

[W2R]

Although I have no personal experience with internet dating -- a very dear friend met her SO in what I thought was a inspired way.

She had tried out several of the internet dating sites without success before deciding to place a personal ad in the Harvard alumni magazine. As a PhD herself, she really wanted to find a man with a similar education so she headed her ad with "Looking for a Rocket Scientist", and that's exactly who she found....a terrific guy who was widowed for a year or so and just starting to re-enter the dating pool.

Watching them together, I can't imagine a better match!

That sounds so much like my story! I have a Ph.D., and Frank is (literally) a rocket engineer who was recently widowed when we met about 8 years ago. But in our case, we met through an internet dating site. Frank says he contacted me because of the Ph.D. on my profile. In general, I found that listing the Ph.D. on the questionnaire was the "kiss of death" on most dating websites.

 

[Walt34]

I'm surprised as how many are so concerned with the money end of things. If a lady was very materialistic or just blows money I would not want her. But I'm fine with someone who doesn't make a lot of money. And I for sure do not consider her a looser.

Stung once, I realized how important it is in a marriage the second time around. To me, it's not the number of dollars but how they're handled.

The first marriage was the only time in my life that I've ever bounced a check, was late on a rent payment, was late or a house payment, routinely had to "play the float" to make the house payment on time, or received a call about an overdue bill.

And then she couldn't understand why I was tense and irritable all the time. Me working rotating shift work, with the attendant screwed up circadian rhythms that goes with it, did not help.

Wife #2 only paid credit card interest charges once in her life, for a transmission repair on her car when she was in her early 20's, and she had that paid off in three months. Not only can she balance a checkbook, she writes some neat spreadsheets. So even though her income was half of wife #1, and mine at the time, she had my trust, confidence and respect, and her priorities were and are very closely aligned with mine.

 

[clifp]

That sounds so much like my story! I have a Ph.D., and Frank is (literally) a rocket engineer who was recently widowed when we met about 8 years ago. But in our case, we met through an internet dating site. Frank says he contacted me because of the Ph.D. on my profile. In general, I found that listing the Ph.D. on the questionnaire was the "kiss of death" on most dating websites.

Sadly, I suspect this true in most cases. I know a couple of the girls I've dated said that they their fancy degrees hurt their chances.

I wonder if there is a male equivalent? Something that in theory should be be positive but actually turns out to negative with woman. I am guessing that neither competitive figure skater nor state champion hot dog eating champ are good things to include on the profile.

 

[Moemg]

I think I'd skip the financial responsibility for the begining and just keep it light and honest . You have plenty of time to get into that at a later date . Make your profile sound like you . I did this years ago and I was as nervous as you are but it worked out fine . I met some nice guys and a few losers . I met my SO on the internet and we are still going strong eight years later .

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

finding out if someone has a ton money can go either way. i once had a first date with a guy who invited me home to dinner in his fourplus million dollar house with the 50ish-foot yacht docked out back. the cook made me a separate vegetarian meal and later cleared the table. it was all rather too much for my tastes as i prefer a more haimish existance.

back to internetting a date, i like the new feature on yahoo! personals which allows you to see only the ads showing who might be interested in you. i get pretty tired of pulling up all these ads elsewhere when 90-95% don't want anyone over 50, including the guys over 50. seems most ads stop at about 45. i can not handle having thrown in my face every time i look at an online ad that i am 6 years past my due date.

 

[Zoocat]

So I looked around at the other sites besides match.com and now I'm really put off. It was bad enough feeling like a "commodity" as I tried to write a description that might "sell" me. But reading through profiles was depressing. Why do people still say cliched things like "I'm a great catch," a phrase from the 1950s, as if dating were a sporting event? Why do some women trick themselves up like hookers for their profile photo? Why do some over 50 men take pictures of themselves shirtless and post it on the Internet? No dignity?

And why does EVERYONE say that they "look 10-15 years younger" and "act young" and of course they want to date someone who looks and acts young too. What's wrong with acting and looking one's age? And everyone seems to have a "great life" and is SO happy with themselves but now they need a girlfriend/wife to complete the picture. It's like they all read each other's profile and decided that's what they had to write too.

How do you tolerate paging through all these profiles to find someone that might be compatible? It's like taking on another incredibly boring part-time job. Well, I guess Internet dating is not my venue. Good to know.

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

ok don't hate me but at the risk of being yet again undignified, i'm going to reiterate one last time: go for the guy who turns you on. there is more active life in the shallow than there is in the deep. swim there.

i've seen over and over again friends blocking their own happiness, particularly girl friends. i've seen them reject guys who make their hearts leap for joy because they think they're supposed to be in control of their hearts. it doesn't feel right, they say. proving that brains are not always so good for thinking in bed.

i've seen other friends reject guys who would love to bend to their will per their own sexual preference and instead go for the guys who want to control them per society dictates, leaving my friends frustrated at best or bitter at worst.

you only brought up this topic yesterday and today you are snuffing it out under your heel like a spent cigarette. you are rejecting someone simply because they are telling you that they think they are a good catch. sorry for being so blunt but could you be any pickier? are you simply looking for reasons to reject?

try to be generous to yourself, be kind to yourself. let yourself have what you want. happiness does not always come so easy, but it is so easily thrown away.

edit (just recalled from a great movie--at first i thought maybe it was from dr. phil--see memory thread):

"You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."
&
"People call those imperfections, but no, that's the good stuff."~~robin williams' character in good will hunting

 

[socca]

How do you tolerate paging through all these profiles to find someone that might be compatible? It's like taking on another incredibly boring part-time job. Well, I guess Internet dating is not my venue. Good to know.

You can just post some profiles, and let the men come to you. If no suitable candidates show up - no problem, you haven't invested much.

 

[haha]

What's wrong with acting and looking one's age?

Well, nothing at all if you really are 35.

I am 67, and IMO I look it on a good day.

Do you think my dating pool would increase if I looked 40?

I think it would.

Ha

 

[CuppaJoe]

....How do you tolerate paging through all these profiles to find someone that might be compatible? It's like taking on another incredibly boring part-time job. Well, I guess Internet dating is not my venue. Good to know.

Maybe take a laptop to the coffee shop and do the boring part-time j*b there? Maybe a "catch" will ask what you are doing on your computer and you both could wind up discussing internet dating.... Hey, you could meet me that way! So, beware; not!, I'm already committed but might talk to you anyway. Curiously, I started hanging out at a coffee shop to prepare for retirement, and I've found a community of regulars there; if someone were looking, the word would be out.

 

[HFWR]

"You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."
&
"People call those imperfections, but no, that's the good stuff."~~robin williams' character in good will hunting

That character was infinitely more interesting than Dr. Phil...

Since we're quoting from films, here's one of my favorite quotes, from The Truth About Cats And Dogs:

Uma Thurman to Janeane Garofalo - "I'd f*ck you"...

 

[clifp]

How do you tolerate paging through all these profiles to find someone that might be compatible? It's like taking on another incredibly boring part-time job. Well, I guess Internet dating is not my venue. Good to know.

I am with Lazy... a few days isn't giving online dating much of a chance. If you got a wide circle of friends, to help fix you up, a plethora of social activities filled with eligible single men, by all means give up on online dating. If on the other hand that doesn't describe your current situation, you may want to reconsider.

I suppose there was some period in human history, when woman didn't go to great lengths to make themselves appear more attractive when being courted. Or men didn't try to make themselves appear more successful, and more virile. I am just not aware of these periods or societies, well maybe the Taliban... As for the emphasis on youth, blame it on biology not the Internet.

As for wading through profile yes it can be discouraging. The writing skills of the American public leave something to be desired although, I find quite a few gems mixed in with the cliched and illiterate. Almost all of the sites have pretty decent search engines. If you don't want to date somebody under 40 or over 70, who doesn't have a high school education, and makes less than $25,000 or lives more than 50 miles away. Use the search tools to weed them out. Plus some are so bad, I found a lot of humor in reading them.

If you still have a couple hundred left and you spend a couple minutes per person, we are talking a couple of hours a night for several days, hardly an excessive amount of time to find a partner. Or perhaps try Eharmony although the profile they make you go through is exhausting.

 

[Texas Proud]

That sounds so much like my story! I have a Ph.D., and Frank is (literally) a rocket engineer who was recently widowed when we met about 8 years ago. But in our case, we met through an internet dating site. Frank says he contacted me because of the Ph.D. on my profile. In general, I found that listing the Ph.D. on the questionnaire was the "kiss of death" on most dating websites.

Well, you wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyhow.... so the kiss of death was a blessing...

Heck, I would love to find someone 'smarter' than me... but I am way up there on all the test... but if she was it would be some nice conversation..

My gal is above average... but not as smart as I am.. but she is an artist and has skills I could only hope for.... so, good enough for me...

 

[Texas Proud]

So I looked around at the other sites besides match.com and now I'm really put off. It was bad enough feeling like a "commodity" as I tried to write a description that might "sell" me. But reading through profiles was depressing. Why do people still say cliched things like "I'm a great catch," a phrase from the 1950s, as if dating were a sporting event? Why do some women trick themselves up like hookers for their profile photo? Why do some over 50 men take pictures of themselves shirtless and post it on the Internet? No dignity?

And why does EVERYONE say that they "look 10-15 years younger" and "act young" and of course they want to date someone who looks and acts young too. What's wrong with acting and looking one's age? And everyone seems to have a "great life" and is SO happy with themselves but now they need a girlfriend/wife to complete the picture. It's like they all read each other's profile and decided that's what they had to write too.

How do you tolerate paging through all these profiles to find someone that might be compatible? It's like taking on another incredibly boring part-time job. Well, I guess Internet dating is not my venue. Good to know.

Do you know how much rock they have to dig to find a diamond? And then after chipping away all that rock and getting that rough diamond... you now have to cut it and polish it.... but you do like it don't you

Well, for a SO, you can not just go to the store and buy one.... you have to start with the pick and shovel and start to dig to find that rough diamond...

And yes... it can get depressing.... as lazy has said... most are looking at the pictures... and if you are not 'good looking'... well, even more so... just have to dig some more...

 

[dex]

Some really good insights by ya'll. This topic is worth the price of admission.

 

[W2R]

Well, you wouldn't want to be with someone like that anyhow.... so the kiss of death was a blessing...

But I think that's an overgeneralization I'd prefer not to make. There are plenty of very intelligent, interesting people who don't have an advanced degree because of lack of opportunity, or because their life journey just hasn't taken them in that direction.

 

[Zoocat]

I admit I'm picky about many things and misspellings, rife on these dating sites, really turn me off (former English professor ). Anyway, all of you are right. I'm sabotaging myself with the judgements. The thing is, I am attractive,just not enthusiastic about putting on the stuff and trotting it out again.

Give it a while, ok. Today was difficult.

Lazy, as usual, you have an interesting point.

Dex, I agree. Very interesting insights on this thread. Smart folks here. Thank you all very much.

 

[figner]

But I think that's an overgeneralization I'd prefer not to make. There are plenty of very intelligent, interesting people who don't have an advanced degree because of lack of opportunity, or because their life journey just hasn't taken them in that direction.

I interpreted Texas' comment the other way around: that you might not want to be with someone who would rule you out based on your degree. Not that you would rule out someone lacking an advanced degree.

Personally, I agree with you - I've met many tremendously intelligent people both with and without degrees, and wouldn't use that as a filter for dating. Though if I saw an online profile that included an advanced degree, overall I'd consider that a plus.

 

[dex]

Some really good insights by ya'll. This topic is worth the price of admission.

After I thought about it; I hope no one too offense to the "admission" part. My humor sometimes gets the best of me - I don't even understand it sometimes.

It is great that so many people with the experience and insights take the time to write.

If you think Internet dating is difficult or expensive I can tell you some of the past alternatives were worse.

Friends recommendations - can be good if they really know both parties - you don't get much info about the other person. Most of my work aquantances or personal friends didn't know the type of woman I liked - nurturing personality, non clinging, who could smack me upside the head when I need it ...
(knowing how to spell would be a plus)

Dating services - I spent about $400 in the early '80s for a couple of dates - flipping through photo albums and speaking with a "counsilor" trying to find me the right match. Not much info about the other person, limited selection and I wasn't really open to it.

Thanks again.

 

[Zoocat]

Here's something interesting I discovered. Match.com has a "Chemistry" division where you take a personality test. My results say I am the "Negotiator/director" type. You can take the test for free. It's pretty interesting and I think this is right on for me.

You are a NEGOTIATOR/director

You have a great overview of reality. You see many angles to the same issue and enjoy discussing multiple solutions to complex problems. You like to use your imagination and engage in creative theorizing.

You have executive social skills, easily picking up the gestures, facial expressions and speech patterns of others. You are intuitive; you generally understand people, and your sympathetic nature makes you pliant, adaptable and likeable.

Yet despite your charm and poise in large social situations, you often enjoy solitude or intense conversations with just one individual or a few close friends.

You are good at doing and thinking a lot of things at the same time. But when you focus on an issue, idea or problem, you like to concentrate in depth. You leave no stone unturned.

And with your insight, charm and intellectual bent, you make warm and interesting company.