Internet dating advice wanted/needed

[Walt34]

As one SIL put it: "Everybody has flaws. The trick is finding someone who's flaws don't matter to you."

 

[Buckeye]

One of our good friends found his wife on eharmony. I think it took him about 2 years to find the right one. He is a very nice guy with a good job and he finally found the same in a woman. They even have the same first name! Their 2-year anniversary is next weekend.

 

[REWahoo]

One of our good friends found his wife on eharmony.

Wow. Wasn't he royally p*ssed when he discovered she was stepping out on him?

 

[brewer12345]

Well, can't help you on the internet dating, but when you do go meet a prospect: don't forget to wear your merkin.

 

[mb]

That sounds so much like my story! I have a Ph.D., and Frank is (literally) a rocket engineer who was recently widowed when we met about 8 years ago. But in our case, we met through an internet dating site. Frank says he contacted me because of the Ph.D. on my profile. In general, I found that listing the Ph.D. on the questionnaire was the "kiss of death" on most dating websites.

A Ph.D. that looks like Eva Habermann

 

[W2R]

A Ph.D. that looks like Eva Habermann

No, no, no... a Ph.D. whose steady guy TELLS her she looks like Eva Habermann! BIG difference. I really look like I should look at nearly 60 years old... dumpy, gray haired, glasses, practical walking shoes, and all.

 

[calmloki]

 

[SteveR]

...I'm surprised as how many are so concerned with the money end of things. If a lady was very materialistic or just blows money I would not want her. But I'm fine with someone who doesn't make a lot of money. And I for sure do not consider her a looser....
Jim

Money issues are a source of many divorces (mine included) so money management should be a concern early on. One of my strategies was to go shopping as a part of a date...window shopping that is. This gives you a chance to see what the other person finds valuable in their lives and how willing they would for you to part with your money. It can be a real eye opener.

Someone that has filed bankruptcy or had a car or two repo'ed would be a major RED FLAG for me. I was not looking for rich...just compatible money management philosophies.

I also agree that the internet dating sites are a great way to weed through a huge number of potential dates without having to go to a bar or other event and try and meet a hundred or more folks to weed them out. I guess I read and reviewed several hundred profiles and sent many many messages, emails, phone calls, and several dates.

Internet dating sites are a tool which help you focus on what you are really looking for in a potential SO. It also gives you the skills in reading between the lines and sniffing out BS from fact. Over time you get better at it and profiles will jump out at you that are pure fiction.

Never, never respond to anyone who has not posted a photo. Sure a photo can be fake but if you get to the meeting stage you will have a much better idea of their honesty. Speaking of photos...don't post one with children or other members of the opposite sex. A simple photo is all that is needed. I always got a kick out of the photos of some guys sitting in a red convertible with a black out sunglasses and wearing a cheesy smile. Or the guys wearing full leathers and Do Rag on a Harley. Whatever!

 

[Texas Proud]

But I think that's an overgeneralization I'd prefer not to make. There are plenty of very intelligent, interesting people who don't have an advanced degree because of lack of opportunity, or because their life journey just hasn't taken them in that direction.

You missed my point....

IF they are judging you on you having a PHD... that is them being prejudiced against a 'smart woman'.... they don't want one... so they have a problem and I do not think you would want to be around someone with that problem..

You are right... there are some very interesting people without a degree...

It was funny... back in high school there was this one guy who I had very interesting conversations... then I was shocked when his SAT scores came in so low (like 800 something)... he seemed 'smarter'... don't know why he scored so low...

 

[summer2007]

Thanks Orchidflower

I wasn't that upset with being rejected by eharmony but I was upset that after filling out all of those questions that they just say sorry you have been rejected. I feel it's wrong to put someone through all that when you can just reject them.

I saw the commercials saying how many people were rejected by eharmony and I thought that is a pretty stupid way to run a dating site!

Also I'm definitely not part of the religious right!

Walt34 I dated or should I say attempted to date this good looking girl when I was younger that was super materialistic and I learned from that experience that it is a trait I do not want in a partner! I got lots of compliments on how nice this girl looked but I really doubt that anyone that is involved with her will be anything but miserable. She just does not value ANYTHING but THINGS.

It's interesting to see some of the things women are looking for. One I see constantly is a "confident" guy. This makes so little sense to me. Out of my friends the worst ones were confident they would get into fights and thought they were god...I don't see the appeal! But I see that one constantly.

I have seen profiles that list like 20 things that they want in a guy. And If these 20 things exist in a guy I have never met him. I think you might have a shot at maybe 4 of 20.

I put down what I wanted and it's a small list. My age range is wide I would date 10 years older and 15 years younger. Just be slim or fit (I'm slim) 5-0 -6-0 non smoker and not a druggie or alcoholic. On personality be very loving and not crooked or malicious. Of course be looking for a physical relationship and not be a financial wreck.

To me this dosen't sound like a lot to ask but it's tough to just find someone that does not smoke let alone be in shape and a nice person.

There are people that have impossible standards and they might never find someone.

On education I wouldn't care one way or the other. I have know some really well educated people that are delusional. I wouldn't be put off by a well educated woman as long as she didn't want to rub my nose in it 24/7 or think she knows the answer to everything.

One of the smartest women and best conversationalists I ever knew was a girl I was really good friends with in HS she was 15-17 at the time so that tells you her education level.

The pictures posted on dating sites sometimes there is so many people in the photos I don't know who the one is on the profile. Or posting 6 pictures of their cat!

I could never bear to look at the profiles of men though so I have no idea what I would be competing against....and I'm fine with not knowing!

I would be very uncomfortable with dating someone that has a butler or lives a really lavish lifestyle like that I'm not sure I could handle that.

I have been wanting to actually sign up to a dating site instead of just looking around. I have put it off because of health problems. Nothing contagious I'm just chronically sick. I don't look it according to people but I'm very self conscience about it and if I met I girl I really liked and she broke up with me because of me not being in full health, I think I would be really crushed. But I would love to have a nice girlfriend.

Jim

 

[LeavinEarly]

I met my wife via Match.com, after several (5-6) dates with other women that went nowhere. We clicked right away, and we've been married almost 9 years now. Obviously, I'm biased in favor of the experience.

I think the key was that we only emailed each other for about a week before deciding to meet (public place, yada yada). It's easy to let the email stage go on and on, but I think you won't really know if someone is right for you until you meet in person.

 

[limpid lizard]

I think a few of the gems so far are:

Nobody is perfect. What you want is someone perfect for you.

We all have flaws, accept flaws that you can live with.

Nobody is going to meet the requirements on a list 20 items long. Look for the 4 to 5 items that would be deal breakers if your prospect did not have them.

Expect to sift through rubble to find the gems.

Accept the fact that intelligence and education are not the same thing. (This dating thing is also an educational experience. Lessons are where you find them, and most are not found within the walls of an institiution of higher learning.)

Be safe. (Not only will it keep you alive, but knowing you are safe will allow you to relax and enjoy the experience. You will be stressed enough without worrying about your safety.)

And one that I will add here. It is important to know and love yourself before trying to know and love another.

 

[TromboneAl]

I had a thought...

Ideally, you would meet someone in a situation where neither of you are advertising yourselves or looking for someone. That is, in some kind of a situation where you work together or see each other each day, but not in a "hunting for a SO" context.

That's not practical, but what if guys could get to know you by seeing you interact with others in your normal everyday activities?

Here's how you could do that. In your match.com profile write:

Hey guys, I'm not thrilled about marketing myself like some kind of chain-store product, but if you'd like to see what I'm like, I have made over 765 posts at http://early-retirement.org/forums. So head over there and take a look!​

 

[tangomonster]

Big ad in today's newspaper that eHarmony is free today through Monday. I got the impression that people's profiles could be perused and that it would be possible to contact whomever you wished.

I have friends who have two generations of successful computer-matches that led to marriage. Our frineds were matched through one of the first computers in Boston (before the Internet); their daughter met her spouse through an Internet dating site---so it CAN work!

 

[lazygood4nothinbum]

Ideally, you would meet someone in a situation where neither of you are advertising yourselves or looking for someone. ...

Here's how you could do that. In your match.com profile write:

Hey guys, I'm not thrilled about marketing myself like some kind of chain-store product, but if you'd like to see what I'm like, I have made over 765 posts at http://early-retirement.org/forums. So head over there and take a look!
​

generally, excellent advice. specifically, you've just broken the rule of not revealing your net worth before your first date.

but this can be accomplished in e.r. by joining clubs so that you are interacting with people who have similar interests as you. also, there are single dating sites you might find in your area which address this issue, such as Single Volunteers, Inc..

on rules of dating, perhaps it becomes more clear when we look at what we shouldn't do.

rule #1 on what we shouldn't do in dating:

don't simply reject them so that you are rejecting them before they have a chance to reject you.

dating is a numbers game. play it well. i'll take the envelope; no, the box; no, i want curtain number one; no, two; no, three. monty monty monty. only there is just one door to your heart. when you leave it open to rejection, you also leave it open for acceptance. with all the choices we have, there is only one door to your heart and you can not close it on one without closing that door on both.

as to prior comments on attractiveness. that has less to do with dating than it might seem on first sight. when i was younger, especially, though even still some today, it's been like they were compelled to tell me i was good looking, which was always such turn off. i never bought the compliment but instead took it as their own fishing expedition for a mutual compliment towards them. though i've been told so many times that i almost started believing it. now if i could only announce how good looking i am to the guy who i'm after at the bar but who rejects me on first sight for someone who i wouldn't consider attractive in a million years of plastic surgery & personal trainers.

attractive has little to do with it. attraction is everything. so get over it, for there is no accounting for taste.

 

[dex]

Lazy,
Good advise - I think I'm going to try match.com.
I just tried eHarmony - entered my profile info - it came back with 7 people.

There profile of me was interesting - I wonder if it is similar to a horoscope? It feels accurate.
On the Openness Dimension you are: SOMETIMES CURIOUS, SOMETIMES CONTENT

​

Words that describe you:

• Accepting
• Flexible
• Educated

• Self-aware
• Middle-of-the-road
• Proper

• Distinctive
• Indecisive
• Adaptable

​

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences Like someone who can sleep comfortably on either side of the bed, you are equally at home with ideas and beliefs that you have held for a long time and with new ways of thinking and believing that grow out of your intellectual curiosity.

Your sense of who you are and what your place is in the world around you rests on values and principles that are the solid ground you walk upon. You've tested them, they work for you, and much of the time you are content to trust them, that is, until some provocative new idea slips in from a conversation, book or some flight of your active imagination. "Hmmmm. What's this. Never thought of it before." And off you go, exploring.

Since you love to learn, you've always been teachable; you absorb new information, which means you are well-educated in things that matter to you. Sometimes your intellectual exploring will lead you back to where you started; the "next new thing" proves too shallow or impractical to you. But once in a while a new idea or belief will dislodge you from the ground you've stood upon; it is so compelling and persuasive that you step away from the tried-and-true and embrace this notion that is brand new to you.

Because you hold both solid beliefs and are open to new ideas, you are accepting of other people and other ways of thinking and believing. You are flexible enough to listen to something new and different, or something outside of your comfort zone; if it works for you, you'll take it in, and if not, you'll let it go. In this sense, you know who you are: you are neither closed-minded nor wildly open-minded, but walk somewhere near the middle of the intellectual road.

​

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking Not everyone will be thrilled by your flexible, middle-of-the-road ways of thinking and believing. A few people are so taken with flights of imagination into whatever is new that they might find your commitment to long-standing values and beliefs too confining, if not too boring. Oh well; so be it. They'll just have to be in free-flight without you.

Others are content with the ideas that have served them and their culture well; they're not excited by the prospect of moving on. And some people are afraid of new ways of thinking because they are somewhat fragile; they have trouble maintaining their current worlds and don't want someone like you, for instance pushing out the edges of their intellectual cosmos. So don't be surprised if your solid values sometimes make people distrust you as an explorer, or if your flexible and open mind sometimes gets you criticized by people who walk away from the very same explorations that you find refreshing.

​

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You Many others will find you trustworthy and therefore an attractive companion on the intellectual journey. They will appreciate the combination in you of open-mindedness and a commitment to the tried-and-true. In an intellectual climate sometimes dominated by the extremes of either wild innovation or dug-in traditionalism, your moderate views and your proper acceptance of a wide range of possibilities will be a distinctive and refreshing quality. Because you join your curiosity to strong foundational ideas and beliefs and practical solutions to problems, people will trust your occasional explorations into new territories to be reliable, and not "something new for newness sake".

You are accepting of others, flexible in your own intellectual commitments, well-informed in areas that matter to you, and comfortably aware of who you are and where you stand. This combination will make you a desirable companion on the intellectual journey for many, many people.

 

[bright eyed]

Oldbabe, glad you're jumping in the pool.

Now why are you jumping in? for fun? to meet new people? for a life partner?

Once you figure that out it may help how you approach this new arena for you.

I do recommend from my past single life to consider dating more than one person at a time - that way you will not fixate on every call or date with that one person and you will have other obligations so you won't always be "available". I found that this also helped me speak up for my own needs and learn how to negotiate relationships in general.

Of course if you are going to do that - you never lie about being monogomous or let someone think they are the only one. But you also don't have to flaunt that you're dating a lot of people.

Also - i like(d) to approach dating with a very open mind. Of course there will just be the weirdos or bad matches from go! but just consider that a funny life experience and good story to tell friends (or post here! haha).

But you will also meet a lot of interesting people in between that and if you think of it that way - it is less intense and less high stakes and you will enjoy the experience more. They may show you a new favorite restaurant, expose you to new hobbies/recreation/movies etc.

Be open and clear what your intentions are and enjoy the ride.

Also remember it's about compatibility - not love or being loved or rejection/acceptance - those ideas make anxiety show up too often in the dating process. If you simply consider this person to be compatible or not - or someone considered you not compatible - big woop, thanks for the info and move on!

Once you feel comfortable with the process you can assess your priorities/goals (have fun, make friends or seek longer term) - or you might bump into someone who changes those for you!

Whatever happens - post the updates! We want all the juicy details! I like to live vicariously through my single friends.

Also, as a side note, this has to be one of the most interesting threads we've had in a while!

 

[Zoocat]

Dex, I signed up for eharmony as well and took their test. Behold! I also am "Sometimes curious/sometimes content." It's interesting to read about oneself (everybody's favorite subject, right?). It's not really totally free this weekend. You can't see the pictures. But you could send emails. Got five matches, sent initial communication to one of them.

Bright eyed, I appreciate the advice to be clear about my intentions. Good point.

Lazy, I agree that "attraction" is key. By appearances, my ex would never have fit my idea of "my type" but we were married 23 years, at least half of that time happily.

Yes, this has been a fascinating thread. It's always interesting to hear about people's love life.

 

[TeeRuh]

hmmm

I just tried eHarmony - entered my profile info - it came back with 7 people.

Dex, I signed up for eharmony as well and took their test. Got five matches, sent initial communication to one of them.

Yes, this has been a fascinating thread. It's always interesting to hear about people's love life.

... fascinating; and maybe it will even get MORE fascinating! ... Keep us posted!

GOD Bless us all!

t.r.

 

[Zoocat]

Here's a sticky issue. I know that this process demands a certain amount of trust but in case you wanted to verify someone's identity I wonder how you could ask someone to do so? I'm thinking that I might want to make sure that a guy was who he said he was. Ask for his place of employment? Ask for personal reference?

one nice feature of eharmony is they have a ID verification service. If you pay $6 you get a little brownie button on your profile page.

 

[bright eyed]

i think you have to go into it assuming people are normal/not lying but listen really really hard to your instincts.

if you start having bad feelings than you shouldn't pursue it anyway because you'll usually find something weird/incompatible.

you could always do the "friend check" with someone you trust and will tell you the "truth" - and then ignore what your friend says cuz that's what we do when we like someone! it's especially good to do a guy "friend" check cuz sometimes guys say weird things to each other they wouldn't to one of your girlfriends...

 

[tangomonster]

Like BrightEyed, I'm also enjoying this thread, allowing me to live vicariously since I have never dated as a real adult---met my husband the first year of grad school and married a year later. So never did Internet dating or much of any other dating (did meet a few guys from personal ads in underground newspapers, but wasn't looking for a relationship---and there weren't all that many ads).

There is a site for "seniors," which they define as over 40, I think. I heard about it and went on it today to scout it out for y'all (what I do for you people here! ) It's called SeniorFriendFinder: http://seniorfriendfinder.com/p/page.cgi
Specializes in "dating for people with experience."

They do have people in their fifties, sixties, and even eighties!

So I saw that people can search for couples. Thought it could be a good way for DH and I to meet some compatible couples to go out to eat with, attend some concerts, etc. DUH! How naive could I be? It's about couples sex! I had no idea that middle-aged people and older people would be looking for this! Guess I've led a sheltered life....

 

[limpid lizard]

I was sitting in the airport yesterday and had an interesting thought. Date people that work for the TSA. The must have good credit, be crime free and provide a 30 page security background check document that contains info on their employment and residence for the past 10 years. They also have to include info on ex's, personal references and family members. Their background is checked prior to employment.

Those people who bug you by making you take off your shoes and empty your pockets of change are pretty much saints.

 

[bbbamI]

There is a site for "seniors," which they define as over 40, I think.

Good lord, I'm a fossil.

 

[calmloki]

I was sitting in the airport yesterday and had an interesting thought. Date people that work for the TSA. The must have good credit, be crime free and provide a 30 page security background check document that contains info on their employment and residence for the past 10 years. They also have to include info on ex's, personal references and family members. Their background is checked prior to employment.

Those people who bug you by making you take off your shoes and empty your pockets of change are pretty much saints.

Interesting. TSA and saint are not two words i'd expect to see together. TSA and meddling brain dead drone, yes, but not saint. (Sorry TSA worker bees, i'm up to here with "for your safety".. Bomb the terrorists with cigarette smoking children!)

Oldbabe: Do you get taken advantage of a lot in your normal day-to-day life? If you do or if you don't, dating probably will be much the same. Big believer in listening to people and the belly. If someone is out to get you - they will. If someone wants to get into your house and rob you - they will. Reality is that neither of those things is at all likely. People tend to be pretty decent. Which works out well for the rest of us. Just play that mental Bobby McFerrin recording. No, not that one, this one:
YouTube - Bobby McFerrin - Thinkin' About Your Body