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Internet dating advice wanted/needed
Old 05-20-2008, 10:35 PM   #1
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Internet dating advice wanted/needed

After four years of singlehood I am dipping my feet into the dating pool. I have dipped my toes in before but the water was much too cold for my comfort level at the time. Anyway, I have signed up on Match.com and have made contact with a really great man whom I would like to get to know.

If you have experience with Internet dating would you please help me out here.
I don't know how much information to supply at the beginning of communication. What do men want to know about women that they might like to date?
Do you think it's ok these days if I ask HIM out for coffee? (Yes, I am a total newbie at this. I was married for 24 years!)

Any advice appreciated.
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Old 05-20-2008, 10:54 PM   #2
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No first hand experience, but a good friend who was the poster child for confirmed bachelor ended up with a really nice gal. They married last summer and are both very happy.

It was my friend's first try at internet dating, but his wife had three previous duds. She said that there was some weirdness with one of the fellows that didn't come out until they met in person. Just be cautious and pay attention to any "bad vibes" that you feel
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:11 PM   #3
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Meet in a public place and don't get in his car, even if he does have candy.

I think it's ok if you initiate by asking him for coffee, especially since it's online. There's a good chance he's waiting for you to initiate taking it to the next step because he doesn't want to look like a creepy guy.
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:13 PM   #4
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I had a female friend who had met someone on Match and married them...

So I went online... and it was not so great... most of the women wanted 'Mr Perfect'... they were very jaded from their past experience... I was amazed at the number who did not make any money and wanted someone 6 2 and made over $150,000.... so my experience was not so good...

But the few that I did 'get to know'... we were up front and honest... but I would get out anything that you might think is a 'deal breaker'.... I had smoking right up front... can't stand it... but after writing this one girl for a bit and thinking it was time to meet... I found out she was a wican... (witch for you others)... well, I found another deal breaker

DO meet at a place where there are lots of people... DO get there yourself... it might be good to get a 'throw away' phone and use that number (Virgin has a few cheap)... that way you do not have to worry about some strange guy finding out where you live etc... ( but I have heard this is a very very very small number)....

My best advice is to be open and honest and see where it goes... to me it was no different than meeting someone at the store or 'insert a place' and being asked or asking them out...

BTW, I did find someone on a different site and we will be married later this year... so it does work out
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:17 PM   #5
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I don't know how much information to supply at the beginning of communication. What do men want to know about women that they might like to date?
Do you think it's ok these days if I ask HIM out for coffee? (Yes, I am a total newbie at this. I was married for 24 years!)
You've seen plenty of examples of how screwed up a "Hi, I am..." post can get. I've met a number of this board's posters and the reality never matches the image you've built from reading their posts.

(However I'm also really glad that I've met each & every one of you guys!)

I think it's worth cutting through the Internet/moderation crap (and the potential false advertising) and asking him out for coffee. Maybe you won't feel that know enough about them before you start sipping, but it's a lot easier to recover a missed step in person rather than through e-mail or chat. It's just coffee, but think of it as practice for when you REALLY want to ask someone out for coffee.
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:31 PM   #6
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Once you have chatted for awhile and feel comfortable ask him out for coffee. Some place public. Then go from there. Not much different than meeting someone any other place. Talk and see where it goes Good luck. Ive never had a bad experience myself. I dont know about other men but I found it attractive when a woman would ask me out.
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Old 05-20-2008, 11:47 PM   #7
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If he tells you his father is the exiled king of Nigeria and wants to deposit $5 million dollars into your bank account, then you should be very cautious.

Otherwise, go for it. Meet at a donut shop so there will be lots of cops around. See if that makes him sweat.

Good luck.
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Old 05-21-2008, 12:01 AM   #8
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I did the on line dating thing and after several different "matches" I finally found Ms. Right and married her over 3 years ago.

Try several different dating sites. I found Ms. Right on one I was not even on. I sort of tripped across the site while looking for something else and thought I would give it a look. The rest is history.

Like the others said....go slow...meet in a very public place and always have your own way home and tell someone where you are and when you will get back. First dates don't always last very long. My shortest was about 5 minutes. We mutually parted ways as we saw it was not a good fit in many ways.

Some men (and women) are pigs....get used to it and learn to avoid them. Do a LOT of private messages or emails through the dating site (not your own email address) at first to make sure you don't give out too much information. Remember, you can be traced to your home through phone numbers and email addresses. $20 on the internet buys you a lot of public records from many "people finder" sites. Caution, especially for women, is your first and last priority. Once you get a comfort level with someone you can move on to real emails, PMs and ultimately "the phone call"...which may be follwed by the "face to face meeting."

Asking someone for coffee is not bad. It is what is done now days. I mean, if you are waiting for Mr. Right to call you and ask you out you might have a long wait....why not take the first step? Most guys are flattered by this and it shows you are not afraid to go out and ask for what you want.

Don't forget to have fun while you are doing this. If it becomes a chore then stop.

BTW, my DW was on several dating sites for a few years before I found her. She has told me quite a bit about her experiences so I have a pretty good flavor for both sides of the dating experience.
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Old 05-21-2008, 12:23 AM   #9
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Never done it before myself, however I did want to wish you good luck.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with you making the first move. All I can do is reinforce what others have said - always make sure you meet in a public place until you feel you know the person well enough to give them all the details to your life.

Good luck and keep us update with all the juicy details of how it goes.
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Old 05-21-2008, 03:50 AM   #10
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I did the on line dating thing and after several different "matches" I finally found Ms. Right and married her over 3 years ago.

Try several different dating sites. I found Ms. Right on one I was not even on. I sort of tripped across the site while looking for something else and thought I would give it a look. The rest is history.

Like the others said....go slow...meet in a very public place and always have your own way home and tell someone where you are and when you will get back. First dates don't always last very long. My shortest was about 5 minutes. We mutually parted ways as we saw it was not a good fit in many ways.

Some men (and women) are pigs....get used to it and learn to avoid them. Do a LOT of private messages or emails through the dating site (not your own email address) at first to make sure you don't give out too much information. Remember, you can be traced to your home through phone numbers and email addresses. $20 on the internet buys you a lot of public records from many "people finder" sites. Caution, especially for women, is your first and last priority. Once you get a comfort level with someone you can move on to real emails, PMs and ultimately "the phone call"...which may be follwed by the "face to face meeting."

Asking someone for coffee is not bad. It is what is done now days. I mean, if you are waiting for Mr. Right to call you and ask you out you might have a long wait....why not take the first step? Most guys are flattered by this and it shows you are not afraid to go out and ask for what you want.

Don't forget to have fun while you are doing this. If it becomes a chore then stop.

BTW, my DW was on several dating sites for a few years before I found her. She has told me quite a bit about her experiences so I have a pretty good flavor for both sides of the dating experience.

i met mrs right too.. i didnt know though her name was mrs always right.... lol
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Old 05-21-2008, 06:55 AM   #11
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Good friend I've known for 30+ years is now seriously dating someone he met online.

As others have suggested, - "throw away phone" - like Tracfone or similar - meet public place first 2 - 3 times - bring a friend if you like, a large and scowling Neanderthal is OK, - anonymous/disposable E-mail address like yahoo.

A girl never asked me out first, that would be kind of neat. I might blush though.
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Old 05-21-2008, 06:57 AM   #12
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I never found one that would produce an audited financial statement so I gave up.
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Old 05-21-2008, 07:08 AM   #13
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On a slight tangent for LBYM types, there is an entirely free dating site at:

http://www.plentyoffish.com/

Does anyone have experience with it?
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Old 05-21-2008, 07:20 AM   #14
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I would urge EXTREME caution with a free one.

No credit card number means it's very difficult to trace them, then IP address is the only way. Easy enough to anonymize those.

If they won't cough up $20 to meet you, do you really want to meet him/her?

If you do bring two Neanderthal friends.
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Old 05-21-2008, 09:20 AM   #15
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I met my wife online- we met on yahoo personal ads. No fees and we were both careful. We lived 5 minutes from each other in suburbs of Cincinnati.

Guidelines-
do not give out phone numbers and it's OK to use an alias. Try to get history (divorced, widowed etc...) and give the same info to him. I would talk on the phone after you are comfortable with answers. Take information retrieved in e-mails and ask questions about that. Try to connect dots. If something does not connect, you need to pay attention to that and be careful.

Good example- get a life timeline from where person went to HS, college and worked. What cities, why did they move and similar (via e-mail). Then ask a question about a city you know on that list. For example my wife and I both have a Maryland connection (even though we live in Ohio). She graduated from Laurel High School and I used to live in Potomac while working for the Navy. That common point is a good way to learn something about person, and it's also a good way to see if they know what they are e-mailing about, if they are trying to hide anything, and allow you to "check" things without a full scale background check.

I spoke to my wife on the phone several times before we went out on date 1. The first two dates we had we met each other in public. Malls and restaurants (with lots of people) work well.

My wife was the first person I met from online. I e-mailed around 25-50 people, but nothing ever materialized. One girl I e-mailed worked at same place I did, another went to same college as me (I could verify both, so was confident I knew what they were telling me was true).

I was around the 5th person my wife met. I was also going to be the last. She met some real losers (apparently). She was ready to give up on it, but it worked out well for both of us. I THINK. LOL.

We will be married 6 years in August and we've know each other for close to 9 years and lived with each other for close to 7 or 8. Our first two kids were born March 27.
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Old 05-21-2008, 09:37 AM   #16
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Oldbabe, congrats on taking this step. Maybe someone from this forum...

Quote:
I've met a number of this board's posters and the reality never matches the image you've built from reading their posts.
Nords is actually is 350-pound teenage Muslim from Korea.
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Old 05-21-2008, 09:58 AM   #17
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Nords is actually is 350-pound teenage Muslim from Korea.
You're wrong Al. She's 250, tops...
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Old 05-21-2008, 10:15 AM   #18
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I met and married a woman that I met on Match.com. The experience can be frustrating, but I made a list of musts, deal breakers and nice-to-haves and stuck with it.

In the process I met a number of really nice women after winnowing out the ones I wasn't interested in (or being winnowed out myself). I'm bald and not particularly good looking, but I have confidence in myself and knew that anyone not willing to accept me as I am would not make for a happy match.

Others I know have had poor luck with online dating, so a certain amount of luck is involved. I stuck with it for 3 years, so your Prince Charming might not show up the first week.

I found that women who initiated contact were much better prospects - so go for it.

Good luck.
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Old 05-21-2008, 10:44 AM   #19
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If they won't cough up $20 to meet you, do you really want to meet him/her?
That would be my kind of gal!

Oldbabe, I'm turning 39 soon and have been divorced for about a year and a half. I haven't tried online dating yet, but I've had some casual dates with people I've met through more traditional means.

I would say that as long as you didn't come across as a stalker or controlling -- and I'm sure you wouldn't -- any guy would be flattered and appreciative of being asked out.

The only other thing I would wonder about is whether or not the man in question might have old-fashioned ideas about who should ask whom. If he does, you might rule yourself out in his mind just by asking. But presumably if you're willing to ask him, you don't want a guy who's got that criteria anyway.

Good luck to you,

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Old 05-21-2008, 10:49 AM   #20
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Was it Want2retire that posted recently that there was a lot of married guys on these things Good luck and post back what you find
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