Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 08:01 AM   #181
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
JPatrick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,446
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Outtahere
More ...You ARE a Redneck if......
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Those are great!* Just when you thought you knew all there was to know about rednecks - - - -
__________________

__________________
JPatrick is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 09:21 AM   #182
Moderator Emeritus
Martha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: minnesota
Posts: 13,211
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Every now and then you have to clean your computer screen. But, what
about the inside of screen, how are you suppose to clean that ??

Fortunately, there is now a website that does this remotely at no cost
to you.

First, clean the outside of your screen and then click the link below to
clean the inside.

http://www.bassfiles.net/cleanscreen.swf

(the link works fine for me in explorer but not netscape)
__________________

__________________
.


No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

Martha is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 10:14 AM   #183
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
JPatrick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,446
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha
Every now and then you have to clean your computer screen. But, what
about the inside of screen, how are you suppose to clean that ??

Fortunately, there is now a website that does this remotely at no cost
to you.

First, clean the outside of your screen and then click the link below to
clean the inside.

http://www.bassfiles.net/cleanscreen.swf

(the link works fine for me in explorer but not netscape)
That's pretty cool Martha- - -Please let me know if you find one featuring Heather Locklear
That's pretty cool Martha- - -Please let me know if you find one featuring Heather Locklear
__________________
JPatrick is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 10:41 AM   #184
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Outtahere
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
Yeah, but one of my shipmates took leave to escort his wife to the junior prom... and they'd celebrated at least one wedding anniversary by then.

Come to think of it, that was in Charleston SC.
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 10:58 AM   #185
Moderator Emeritus
Martha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: minnesota
Posts: 13,211
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JPatrick
That's pretty cool Martha- - -Please let me know if you find one featuring Heather Locklear
Make that Johnny Depp.
__________________
.


No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

Martha is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 11:12 AM   #186
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
JPatrick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,446
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha
Make that Johnny Depp.
Johnny Depp??* Sure, I'd love to have that smart mouth, America hating little twit on the other side of my screen.
Here Johnny, meet Mr Cursor.* Opps, did I stick you in the eye?* How does that pointer feel in your nostril?* Get ready for a power surge Johnny.* Are we having fun yet Johnny?
__________________
JPatrick is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 11:14 AM   #187
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JPatrick
Johnny Depp??* Sure, I'd love to have that smart mouth, America hating little twit on the other side of my screen.
Uhm, I don't think Martha's attracted to him for his witty political discourse and European flair...
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-22-2005, 11:32 AM   #188
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
JPatrick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,446
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords
Uhm, I don't think Martha's attracted to him for his witty political discourse and European flair...
I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, but if Martha wants to torture him also,- - -well I guess we can share.
__________________
JPatrick is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-24-2005, 10:12 AM   #189
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Katrina New Orleans Heineken looting.JPG (63.5 KB, 179 views)
Attached Files
File Type: jpg_thumb Katrina New Orleans Heineken looting.JPG_thumb (22.9 KB, 4 views)
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-24-2005, 12:00 PM   #190
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
JPatrick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,446
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords
.
And for the rest of us - - there's Mastercard
__________________
JPatrick is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 04:17 AM   #191
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 201
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This one from a relative in the UK...



A Somali arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!"

The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says

"Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,

"Are you a British citizen?"

She says, "No, I am from Romania!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her,

"Where are all the British?"

The Rumanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...........


















"Probably at work."
__________________
Honkie is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 04:24 AM   #192
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 201
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

And another.....


At dawn El Telefono rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International Competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


SILENCE...................


"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep , DEEP ****!"
__________________
Honkie is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 09:05 AM   #193
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Eagle43's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: DFW
Posts: 1,823
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Rich man calls his home, maid answers. "I'd like to speak to my wife.", he says.

"Senor, You cannot speak to her, because she is in the bedroom with your best friend."

"Damn, you know that makes me angry. You know where the gun is. Go get it, go into the bedroom and shoot them both."

"Senor, I cannot do that."

"Then I'll call immigration.", he says.

She says ok puts down the phone and you can hear here walk away. Bang. Bang.

She returns to the phone. Breathless!

"Senor, I did it! I shot them both. Then I threw the gun in the pool."

He says: "Pool, what pool? Is this 379-4621?"

Compliments of Milton Berle.....
__________________
Resist much. Obey Little. . . . Ed Abbey

Disclaimer: My Posts are for my amusement only.
Eagle43 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 02:43 PM   #194
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 21,865
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Great jokes!

ha
__________________
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 03:12 PM   #195
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,916
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

"Its OK to be Ghetto"

www.fedexfurniture.com

heheheh...
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 04:58 PM   #196
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
haha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Hooverville
Posts: 21,865
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345
"Its OK to be Ghetto"

www.fedexfurniture.com

heheheh...
This is not ghetto. Ghetto is go down to the furniture store, break out the window, and haul the swag home.

Ha
__________________
haha is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 05:25 PM   #197
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,375
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Honkie and Eagle 43: Stop, you're killing me!
__________________
Jarhead* is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 07:14 PM   #198
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,043
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


Some new work terminology.

You may have seen some examples of these where you work(ed).

1. TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

2. BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

3. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on
everything and then leaves.

4. ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

5. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.

6. CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

7. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

8. MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato

9. SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids or start a "home business".

10. STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

11. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of bashing the cr*p out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

12. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia"
needless paperwork and processes.

13. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

14. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all' to an e-mail;
you delete a file that wasn't backed up.)

__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 07:45 PM   #199
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan
Some new work terminology.
We need to send these to Despair.com for their new line of inspirational motivational posters. I think I've already seen the salmon one...
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 09-28-2005, 07:47 PM   #200
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

OK, I've been saving this for a while but I can't hold it any longer (so to speak)...
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Plumber truck logo.JPG (51.7 KB, 199 views)
Attached Files
File Type: jpg_thumb Plumber truck logo.JPG_thumb (29.4 KB, 5 views)
__________________

__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 02:13 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.