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Old 08-12-2009, 01:20 PM   #2001
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Handle every stressful situation like a dog.....

If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.
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Old 08-13-2009, 09:50 PM   #2002
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A semi-oldie but goodie....

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

This is a hoot ....
sad, because it is TRUE ...... but a real hoot!!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"..

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?. .. pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest:"Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes?"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!....Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "
..and you do, don't you!
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Old 08-14-2009, 07:26 AM   #2003
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

Her: 'What are you doing?'

Him: 'Hunting Flies'.

Her: 'Oh. Killing any?'.

Him: 'Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females,'


Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'

Him: '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'
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Old 08-18-2009, 02:19 PM   #2004
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Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first accountant finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. Very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two other accountants, he says "At KPMG, we are trained to be extremely thorough". The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says "At Ernst & Young, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient".

The third accountant finished and walks straight for the door. "At Arthur Andersen, we don't pee on our hands".
So which accounting firm uses hand sanitizer?
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Old 08-18-2009, 02:22 PM   #2005
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I really loved the accountant joke--how awesome that your first post is a joke!
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Old 08-18-2009, 05:07 PM   #2006
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Old 08-19-2009, 04:13 PM   #2007
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Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers see this and agree that it is quite a clever idea so, after the
conference, they decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save
some money (recognizing the engineers' superior intellect).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, "Ticket, please."
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Old 08-19-2009, 06:42 PM   #2008
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Two guys peeing in the bathroom. One finishes and starts walking out. The second guy says: hey at Harvard we learned to wash our hands after peeing.
The one walking out says: in kiddie garden we learned not to pi$$ on our hands.
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Cloning gone bad
Old 08-20-2009, 06:52 PM   #2009
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Cloning gone bad

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The blonde and the cow
Old 08-20-2009, 09:28 PM   #2010
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The blonde and the cow

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning,
on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I
drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn.

Show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the pasture. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air
head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU
know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over it's stall," she
explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And
what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I suppose it's to hang your pants on.'
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Women multiply
Old 08-21-2009, 02:37 PM   #2011
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Women multiply

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a plant, she will make a garden.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.



So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of $hi in return
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Old 08-22-2009, 12:22 PM   #2012
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To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch time, sit in your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at passing cars. See if they Slow Down.

2. On all your check stubs, write ' For Services Rendered'

3. Skip down the street rather than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the Opera.

6. When the Money comes out the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car parking lot, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your Children over dinner, 'Due to the Economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

And the final way to keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF C*NDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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Old 08-22-2009, 12:45 PM   #2013
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9. PICK UP A BOX OF C*NDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
If the silver haired lady at the checkout offers to walk you to the fitting room, and help..... you found yout match.
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Ain't Love Grand
Old 08-23-2009, 09:11 AM   #2014
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Ain't Love Grand

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host,

'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and
I'm scared to death to ask what the #@*! her name is.'
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Old 08-27-2009, 04:21 AM   #2015
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Twelve Best Country Songs Of All Time

12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your A$$ All Day.

10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well.

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.

4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

And the number 1 Country Song is:

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.
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Old 08-27-2009, 02:44 PM   #2016
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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
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Old 08-27-2009, 04:31 PM   #2017
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Chinese Sex

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!
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Old 09-01-2009, 11:07 AM   #2018
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Democrats, realizing the big success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of the Obama Nationalization - Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reid are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

"CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this... Anyone wishing to access health care funds will be required to turn in one old person on the day of delivery. The amount the government grants will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight - and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, cheese, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via a toxic injection, similar to that given to the engines of the 'clunker' trade ins. This will insure that they, like the vehicle 'clunkers' are not secretly resold (traded in) or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair and among society.

Judging by this I should be gone soon. I'll miss you...
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Old 09-01-2009, 11:15 AM   #2019
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeyd View Post
Chinese Sex
says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted


The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!
The version of punch line I heard some 40 years ago:

Amelican doctols all same, cut cut cut. Don't have to cut, will fall off by itself.
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Old 09-04-2009, 10:25 AM   #2020
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The Italian Lover

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, 'You
finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian.'
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