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09-24-2009, 07:13 PM
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#1
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lone Star State
Posts: 4,379
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A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?’ The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help dear. What's the name and room number?’ The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room 302.’ The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.’ After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.’ The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?’ The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.’
__________________
......ibyoig......
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09-25-2009, 12:51 PM
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#2
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 406
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Got a real dirty one but I´m afraid to post it.....
__________________
I get by with a little help from my friends....ta ta ta ta ta...
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09-26-2009, 01:13 AM
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#3
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Cowtown, Alberta
Posts: 2,414
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A Dane once told me a dirty joke that he said was untranslatable. It was word-for-word the same joke I heard in grade school. It really is one world.
__________________
"Ain't got no money for no old-age pension;
I'm so broke, I can't pay attention!"
"I started out with nothin' and I still got most of it left."
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09-26-2009, 02:45 PM
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#4
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 1,579
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__________________
"It's tough to make predictions, especially when it involves the future." ~Attributed to many
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
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09-26-2009, 05:45 PM
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#5
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North of Montana
Posts: 1,463
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A guy comes home and tells his blond wife that he bought a condominium.
"Great", she says, "now I can throw away my diagram".
__________________
“You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.” – James Thurber
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09-29-2009, 11:34 PM
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#8
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Dryer sheet wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 14
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 Quote:
Originally Posted by calmloki
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Harry Chapin- "Cat's in the Cradle" from "Verities and Balderdash", 1974.
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09-28-2009, 02:51 PM
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#9
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 3,014
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An elderly couple met for a first-time romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to have sex when the woman decided she should warn the man of her heart condition."I should tell you before we start - I have acute angina" she said. The man replied,"that's good because your tits look like hell"
__________________
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx
In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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09-28-2009, 04:45 PM
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#10
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 1,579
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__________________
"It's tough to make predictions, especially when it involves the future." ~Attributed to many
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
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Why in magazines men arent allowed to give advice to women....
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09-29-2009, 07:44 AM
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#11
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Recycles dryer sheets
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 406
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ASKING FOR ADVICE:
Dear John: I want your advice on my problem.
The other day I went early to work leaving my husband watching TV. Before I had ridden a Km, the car suddenly started to make strange noises and stopped abruptly. It occurred to me that my husband might know how to solve the problem. So I decided to walk back the short distance home.
When I got there I found my husband in bed with my neighbor´s daughter.
I am 32, my husband 35 and the girl 20. We´ve been married 10 years.
When I demanded an explanation he said that his infidelity had been going on for 6 months. I warned him that he had to stop this. He promised me that he would, and as an excuse he added that he had been fired and since then has been very depressed.
Since I gave him the ultimatum he´s been very quiet, moody and absent-minded.
Despite what happened I´m very much in love with him and I fear he´s going to leave me. I am desperate. What can I do?
Yours sincerely, Jane
ANSWER:
Dear Jane:
There can be several reason why a car can stop all of a sudden after ridden the short distance you mention. When this happen: you must begin by checking if you have enough gas. After that check the oil filter. Then see if there´s any problem with the electronic injection.
If all the above is OK it could be that the gas pump isn´t working well and not letting the gas flow
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I hope to have been of some help.
Yours sincerely, John.
__________________
I get by with a little help from my friends....ta ta ta ta ta...
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09-30-2009, 07:36 AM
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#12
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Dryer sheet aficionado
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 34
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WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SOOOOO IMPORTANT
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.."
"Could you jack off?" she says, "I feel like sh*t."
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09-30-2009, 06:34 PM
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#13
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 3,014
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Bear Remover
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
__________________
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx
In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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10-03-2009, 07:52 AM
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#14
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 1,579
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__________________
"It's tough to make predictions, especially when it involves the future." ~Attributed to many
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
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10-03-2009, 04:40 PM
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#15
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 2,350
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10-03-2009, 04:30 PM
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#16
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 2,350
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10-03-2009, 08:03 PM
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#17
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Independence
Posts: 2,350
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Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks,
Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Last edited by REWahoo; 10-03-2009 at 08:19 PM.
Reason: Font size
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10-04-2009, 01:04 PM
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#18
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lone Star State
Posts: 4,379
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Hmm, I've always wondered this myself... now I know.
- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..
- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.
- Generation X, people been born between 1960 and 1979.
- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2009
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
I never did know, but recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...
Learned something new today
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__________________
......ibyoig......
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10-05-2009, 11:56 PM
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#19
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MD's Eastern Shore
Posts: 1,725
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A prosperous old dairy farmer from someplace cold finally sold out to the local agribusiness giant and retired to Florida. Being a farmer, he liked owning lots of land, so he had to buy a big place with a large pond down near the swamp. He fixed up the pond a bit, dumped a few truckloads of sand to make a little beach, and kept a small swimming area cleared of weeds and scum. Nearby he had some picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and a stone barbeque. Shading it all was a mixed grove of fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to check his fruit trees, so he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of pretty young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
As soon as they noticed him standing there watching, they all shrieked and went deeper into the pond. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave, you dirty old man!”
The old man thought for a moment, and then said “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up, he said “I’m just here to feed the alligators.”
__________________
The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments. - Mad Magazine
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
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10-06-2009, 07:47 AM
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#20
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Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 43N Latitude, NY
Posts: 4,637
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The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there... He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
__________________
Freebird
"Happiness depends upon ourselves." - Aristotle
Last edited by REWahoo; 10-06-2009 at 11:55 AM.
Reason: Font
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