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Old 09-04-2009, 12:56 PM   #2021
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Picture a brothel on the top of a hill. There is a man going down the hill on one side, another going up the hill and one man at the top.

What nationalities are they?

The man going down the hill - he's a Finnish.

The man going up the hill - he's a Russian.

And the man at the top of the hill.....
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Old 09-04-2009, 03:14 PM   #2022
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60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a
few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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Old 09-04-2009, 03:59 PM   #2023
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbbamI View Post
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
He said with apologies to Mr. Franklin, I hope:

(from the writings of Benjamin Franklin):

If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!
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Old 09-05-2009, 12:28 AM   #2024
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I can't remember who's older-- Ben Franklin or Andy Rooney?
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Old 09-05-2009, 08:27 AM   #2025
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Andy Rooney is the perfect person to have things like these attributed to him--I can just see him twirling in anger. Go to snopes.com and search for him. About the older women piece, he told an interviewer, "It just bugs me that anybody would put my name on something I didn't write," and when she asked him if he shared the actual author's fondness for older women, he answered "not particularly." snopes.com: Andy Rooney on Older Women

So to me these Andy Rooney pieces are even funnier and better than if he had written them!
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Old 09-05-2009, 08:53 AM   #2026
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I guess I need to check out snopes now before I post a joke..
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Old 09-05-2009, 08:55 AM   #2027
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I just remember how mad old Andy was about this forward, which makes it even funnier to me. Thought you'd get a kick out of it. Sorry.
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Old 09-05-2009, 09:30 AM   #2028
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbbamI View Post
60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a
few reasons why:

<snippage>
Two words: meno pause.
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Old 09-05-2009, 12:27 PM   #2029
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Two Palestinian men are showing pictures of their children to each other. The first says: "This is my oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr.... this is my second oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr too.... This is my baby boy, Muhammed. One day I hope he will be a martyr too."
The other replies: "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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Old 09-10-2009, 06:18 PM   #2030
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The mother of Caster Semanya, the women's world 800m champion has expressed
her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test.


She said "This is a real kick in the balls for my daughter"
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Old 09-12-2009, 12:41 PM   #2031
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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should
give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy
didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes
home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and

Lord, what a shame that would be."

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the
house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed,
and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity
in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver
dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink,
while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for
Congress."
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Smart a$$ answer
Old 09-14-2009, 08:10 PM   #2032
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Smart a$$ answer

A teacher at a college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-a$$ lad at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
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Only in America
Old 09-16-2009, 02:43 PM   #2033
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Only in America

No joke here...strange but true...
Couple's trash bin tryst takes wrong turn - Weird news- msnbc.com
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:43 PM   #2034
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A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be The Man Of Your House.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced: "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want."

Pausing for breath, he continued, "Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Come tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess."
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:43 PM   #2035
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Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely. I
thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone
books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an
ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over
in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,
beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the
picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
"Hello," the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy. Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I
rushed right in: "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you
to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight
with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want
it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys,
rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that
sound?"
"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an
outside line."
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Old 09-18-2009, 07:00 AM   #2036
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Going through a dire financial situation and as a last desperate solution, the husband tells wife that she has to become a prostitute. The wife doesn´t complain but says she doesn´t know a thing about her new job.

The husband tells her not to worry. Takes her to a street corner, places her on a choice spot close to a lampost and tells her that if she has any doubts to just ask him, he´ll be watching behind the lampost.

Comes the first client in a superb sports car and asks the wife how much it is. Not knowing, the wife tells him to wait a sec, runs to her hidden husband and asks him. The husband, having noticed the snazzy car, says 500 euros.

Wife goes back to the john and states the husband´s price. The john says that he has only 100 euros, so what can he get for that amount?.

Wife asks again her husband who says that for that money a blowjob is more than enough.

Back to the client the wife tells him what the deal is.

Client agrees, tells her to hop in. Then he unzippers and unholsters. When the wife sees what has come out awestruck dashes off to her husband and tells him: DONT BE MEAN! DO LEND HIM 400 EUROS, DAMMIT!
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Old 09-20-2009, 07:21 PM   #2037
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Old 09-21-2009, 07:04 PM   #2038
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The Ten Commandments

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's plain an' simple. Y'all have a nice day!
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Old 09-24-2009, 11:03 AM   #2039
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Subject: Sizeable Humor

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did... better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. The doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for
a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So, have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'
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Old 09-24-2009, 07:13 PM   #2040
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A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?’ The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help dear. What's the name and room number?’ The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room 302.’ The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.’ After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.’ The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?’ The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.’
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