Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 6,438
Subject: Sizeable Humor
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the highway. You're going to be okay but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did... better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. The doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for
a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So, have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.'
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Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas
Posts: 5,243
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?’ The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help dear. What's the name and room number?’ The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room 302.’ The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.’ After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.’ The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?’ The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.’
I'd be curious to know how many PMs you receive asking for it privately.
Cuppa: None for the moment.
But, just in case, I´m working on the delicate process of translation into your language..... And being a dirty joke I fumbling with the added burden of finding your equivalent four letter words
__________________
I get by with a little help from my friends....ta ta ta ta ta...
Good luck Vicente. Translating jokes can be a minefield, although I did have excellent luck translating Aggie jokes into Belgian jokes when I lived in Geneva. Just take your favorite Aggie joke, substitute les Belges for Aggie and tell it in French. Never failed.
My more bi-lingual co-workers used to tell hysterical inside jokes that required idiomatic understanding of both languages. You take a phrase that contains a false cognate, translate the cognate literally into the English and then translate that word literally back into French. Or some variation thereon. It works both ways, but you gotta know your audience or you will get nothing but blank stares.
My all time favorite along this line is this Art Buchwald piece. It is apparently famous, and is/was reprinted annually in the International Herald Tribune at Thanksgiving. I happened across it, completely unaware, and laughed until my sides hurt and tears flowed. Art Buchwald - Le Grande Thanksgiving - washingtonpost.com
Enjoy, and good luck with the jokes. Who knows, even botching the translations might be funnier than the jokes themselves.
When I lived in Geneva, a group of us ex-pats went to see Ghost Busters when it came out. The somewhat dour Genevoise sitting around us were already looking askance as we laughed at jokes that made little sense to them, but they were completely befuddled when a whole row of Americans laughed with helpless hysteria when the subtitles translated
"this b1tch is toast"
as
"cette femme est pain grille"
Later on, the silly back and forth about
"it is a piece of pie" "easy as cake"
was all translated as "jeu d'un enfant" rendering the whole exchange completely incomprehensible. I'm sure our hysteria convinced a whole theater full of Swiss that Americans truly are culturally hopeless.
Not to highjack this thread, but I am still taking pain meds, (maybe I should refrain from posting until I kick 'em) and am in a chatty-cathy mood.
This reminds me of another episode during my Geneva days. A bunch of us took an excursion to Moscow and Leningrad (as it was called then, now restored to its original name of St. Petersburg). This was just after the Reagan - Gorbachev meeting in Reykjavik, so the iron curtain was still very much in place. We were all seated together in a couple of rows in the Bolshoi, watching some Russian opera that none of us had ever heard of before. The program was entirely in Cyrillic, the singing in Russian, and we hadn't a clue as to what was going on other than the stage action. The music was sublime, so it was wonderful just sittling there apreciating the the music without worry much about understanding the plot. Suddenly I was jarred out of my dreamy state by an odd "did I just understand that?" thought. I focused on the dialogue again, and sure enough, it was in incomprehensible Russian. Oh well. Later, the same thing happed and I glanced up and down our row to see our whole group looking back and forth with puzzled expressions on our faces. A moment later it became clear. It was a royal court scene and they were interspering snippets in French. Apparently French was spoken the Russian court, so it was historically accurate. If they had included phrases in English it would have been immediately obvious what was going on, but being in French, it caused one of the oddest experiences of cognative dissonance that I have ever experienced.
I know that I am risking the "ignore poster" button.
__________________ "It's tough to make predictions, especially when it involves the future." ~Attributed to many
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps by) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
An elderly couple met for a first-time romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to have sex when the woman decided she should warn the man of her heart condition."I should tell you before we start - I have acute angina" she said. The man replied,"that's good because your tits look like hell"
__________________ Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
__________________ "It's tough to make predictions, especially when it involves the future." ~Attributed to many
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps by) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
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