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Old 09-30-2009, 07:36 AM   #2061
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WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SOOOOO IMPORTANT


The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.


Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:


"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.."

"Could you jack off?" she says, "I feel like sh*t."
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Old 09-30-2009, 06:34 PM   #2062
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Bear Remover
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Old 10-03-2009, 07:52 AM   #2063
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Old 10-03-2009, 04:30 PM   #2064
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http://databasecontrarian.typepad.co...194b970c-800wi

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Old 10-03-2009, 04:40 PM   #2065
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Along that line - took this picture coming back from Corvallis last month:

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Old 10-03-2009, 08:03 PM   #2066
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Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.


The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks,
Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"


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Old 10-04-2009, 01:04 PM   #2067
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Hmm, I've always wondered this myself... now I know.

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..

- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people been born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2009

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

I never did know, but recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...
Learned something new today
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Old 10-05-2009, 11:56 PM   #2068
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A prosperous old dairy farmer from someplace cold finally sold out to the local agribusiness giant and retired to Florida. Being a farmer, he liked owning lots of land, so he had to buy a big place with a large pond down near the swamp. He fixed up the pond a bit, dumped a few truckloads of sand to make a little beach, and kept a small swimming area cleared of weeds and scum. Nearby he had some picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and a stone barbeque. Shading it all was a mixed grove of fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to check his fruit trees, so he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of pretty young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

As soon as they noticed him standing there watching, they all shrieked and went deeper into the pond. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave, you dirty old man!”

The old man thought for a moment, and then said “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up, he said “I’m just here to feed the alligators.”
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The Middle Wife
Old 10-06-2009, 07:47 AM   #2069
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The Middle Wife

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there... He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
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Old 10-06-2009, 11:53 AM   #2070
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.


"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face. Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Couple a minutes ago ... "
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Old 10-06-2009, 01:35 PM   #2071
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Bubba: Hey Carl, how come every time I make love to a woman, my eyes start a burnin', and my nose starts a runnin', and I cain't quit coughin'?

Carl: I dunno, must be the pepper spray...
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Old 10-06-2009, 02:56 PM   #2072
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I got a new deodorant. The instructions said to remove cover and push up bottom. I can hardly walk but when I fart the whole room smells wonderful.
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Old 10-06-2009, 10:12 PM   #2073
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I got a call today from a charity asking me to donate my old clothes to help starving people around the world.

I told 'em to pi$$ off, anyone who could wear my clothes certainly wasn't starving....
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For the Kinky amongst us
Old 10-07-2009, 02:05 PM   #2074
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For the Kinky amongst us

Eater SF: Special Oakland Creperie Will Spank You For a Mere $25
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"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps by) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
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Old 10-07-2009, 02:11 PM   #2075
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I wonder if it's anything like whipped potatoes.....
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Old 10-08-2009, 11:27 AM   #2076
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I wonder if it's anything like whipped potatoes.....
I don't care what they use to administer the "service", anything in a creperie is likely to make an impressive mess.

I'd hate to be the next guy in line: "Hey, are those the hands you're gonna use to cook my crepes now?!?"
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Old 10-09-2009, 04:27 PM   #2077
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A bloke goes into a Job Center in Dallas and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.

The Job Center Assistant sorts through her files and replies, "Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's a starting annual salary of 85,000, but you're going to have to go to Houston."

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replies the assistant, "that's the end of the line of applicants."
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Old 10-11-2009, 10:59 AM   #2078
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Moses comes down from the mountain and announces to the tribes of Israel " I have good news and bad new"

He says "the good news is I got him down to 10".

Then says "the bad news is adultery's still in".
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If it´s too gross let me know....in a kindly way.
Old 10-11-2009, 11:29 AM   #2079
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If it´s too gross let me know....in a kindly way.

Two friends meet in the street. They haven´t seen each other in years. After a bit of catching up, one of them, Manuel, says: "You know Juan, I´ve just been to Venezuela and brought myself home an alligator that gives bl****bs whenever I order him to. Imagine that!"

As the other guy doesn´t beleive this, Manuel offers to take him home and show him.

Manuel calls his erxotic pet, snaps his fingers and shouts "START!" ánd the gator begins to do what it´s just been ordered. A couple of minutes into the process, Manuel hits the critter sharply over the head with a shoe and the gator stops.

Noticing the look of amazement on his friend´s face, Manuel asks him:¨"Wanna give it a try?"

To which Juan shyly answers: " Well mmm err...if you don´t hit me too hard with the shoe...
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Old 10-13-2009, 12:59 PM   #2080
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's
kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman.. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?
'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with
his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.
'
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