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Old 10-13-2009, 05:36 PM   #2081
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Getting old in Florida

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
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Old 10-13-2009, 07:10 PM   #2082
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
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Doesn't one of our favorite moderators live somewhere near there ? We'll need a special report from the field.

I'm afraid to ask what the NYC crepe would be like. Taxis would have to be involved.
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Old 10-14-2009, 06:25 AM   #2083
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A woman goes to IKEA and buys a cupboard easy to fit. She does the fitting without any problem, but then, the Underground train -that runs right below her flat- passes by and the cupboard collapses.

She fits the cupboard again -this time with some care-and again, when the job is done, the Underground comes again and the cupboard falls apart once more.

In a fury she rings IKEA tells them what happens with the cupboard and the train and they send a technician.

In a couple of minutes the technician builds the cupboard, the train runs by and, sure thing, the cupboard disintegrates.

The tech says. " I┤m gonna build it again and get inside it so when the train comes and bring it down I┤ll know for sure where the flaw may be" And so, in he goes into the cupboard.

But then the husband arrives unexpectedly home, sees the cupboard, comments on how nice it is and opens it. Finding the tech inside, dumbfounded exclaims: "Who are you and what the f**K are you doing in there?"

To which the tech answers: "Well, you see, ...I might as well tell you that I┤ve come to f**k your wife Ęcause if I say that I am waiting for the Underground train there┤s no way you are going to believe me....
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Old 10-14-2009, 05:07 PM   #2084
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Okay, it's a 60 second video, not a joke--but it belongs right here.


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Just Cecil
Old 10-15-2009, 08:57 AM   #2085
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Just Cecil

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Cecil,' he replies.

'Cecil what?' the officer asks.

'Just Cecil,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Cecil, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Cecil Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Cecil Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Cecil Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Cecil Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Cecil Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Cecil Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Cecil.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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Why men don't write advice columns
Old 10-15-2009, 04:35 PM   #2086
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Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's
daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him,
he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the
past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt
in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the
intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
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Old 10-15-2009, 06:00 PM   #2087
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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself ...... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket."
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Old 10-18-2009, 10:16 PM   #2088
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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t.

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Old 10-20-2009, 04:56 PM   #2089
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The ambiguity of the English language
Old 10-23-2009, 10:27 AM   #2090
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The ambiguity of the English language

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah.. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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Bartender's cure from da bayous of Louisiana
Old 10-28-2009, 07:22 PM   #2091
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Bartender's cure from da bayous of Louisiana

Boodro went to a psychiatrist because every night when he went to bed, he kept thinking that someone was under it! He was very scared and thought he was losing his mind.

So he decided to vist Dr. Thibodeaux, a New Iberia psychiatrist. "Just put youself in ma' hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk ta' me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of dose fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied Dr. Thibodeaux."

"Ah'll sleep on it," said Boodro.

Six months later the doctor saw Boo driving down street in a new truck.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me about dose fears you were having?" the Doc asked him.

"Eighty bucks a visit tree times a week fuh a year is ah awful lot o' money! replied Boo. "Mais, my fren Judice, duh bartender, cured me fuh only $10. Ahh was so happy ta' have saved all dat money Ahh went done bought me a new pickup!"

Somewhat surprised, Doc Thibodeaux asked, "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did that Cajun bartender cure you?"

With his best smile, Boo replied, "Mais, He juss tole me ta' cut duh legs off ma' bed! Ain't nobody git unda dare now !!!"
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Old 10-30-2009, 09:15 AM   #2092
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Justice in Cleveland , Ohio

Cleveland, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Cuyahoga County courtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible..

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Washington Redskins, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Old 11-01-2009, 11:32 AM   #2093
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JUDGE:You want a divorce on the grounds that your husband is careless about his appearance?
WIFE:Yes Your Honor-he hasn┤t made one for three years.
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Sportsman double
Old 11-05-2009, 06:57 PM   #2094
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Sportsman double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle and she asked, "Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?"

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

Excitedly I said, "Never had the pleasure but, I'm open to offers!"

We drank a bit more then she says, "Tonight is your lucky night!"

We went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

"Mum, you still awake?"
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Old 11-06-2009, 06:07 AM   #2095
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The Canadian government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Maple Leaf to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Darn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Bruce
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Old 11-08-2009, 06:11 PM   #2096
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Murphy's real estate laws
  • That sweet little girl with the baby that you rented to, will start dating the mad motorcycle man from hell, ... and several of his friends, ... the very next week.
  • Tenants have at least one relative get sick or die per month, so ... they will just have to pay you later.
  • If a tenant attempts to replace the washer in a faucet, plan on replacing the faucet; perhaps all the plumbing in the building.
  • Prospective tenants who make an appointment to see your rental across town, often get kidnapped on the way there... so there was just no way they could call you.
  • Tenants only lock themselves out in the middle of the night... or on Christmas.
  • When a furnace breaks in mid-winter, it is always the heat exchanger.
  • At least one tenant's check will be "lost in the mail" every month.
  • Every lost pet will find its way to your rental.
  • The hardware store closes five minutes before you get there.
  • A tenant's ability to see dirt and damage is much greater when they move in than when they move out.
  • Your best tenants always get job transfers during the worst rental markets.
  • Everything in your rentals will break 100 times faster than in your own home.
  • The insurance inspector always shows up to take photos of the building as you are putting the evicted tenant’s possessions on the curb.
  • Tenants always swear under oath that the window was broken when they moved in.
  • When a tenant calls and says, "Hi, how are you?" something is drastically wrong.
  • If it exists, your tenant will try to flush it down the toilet.
  • If you have any questions about anything, ask your tenants.
  • If it is pouring rain, you can be sure the windows are open at one or more at your units.
  • Proper disposal of chewing gum is in the carpet
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Old 11-10-2009, 04:14 PM   #2097
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For the Fall and coming Winter. This is in those weird centidoobie degrees. Think the conversion is something like add 8 degrees, a 1/4 teaspoon, and a furlong to change to the proper Fahrenheit:

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Old 11-13-2009, 03:00 PM   #2098
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A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks', Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies', I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' Amazing', he notes.' You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?' Oh, that was no problem', replied the woman.' On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.' The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place', she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the can can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually', It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' No! No thank you', he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' It's not coconut juice', winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces', I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing', he muses.' What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me', she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him', We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something You've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.' You mean .. ' he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
'Don't tell me You've built a Golf Course!!!'
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Old 11-13-2009, 03:09 PM   #2099
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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. Her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better

WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women.. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your most intimate part, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton

WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and said, 'What?'

CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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The CAJUN FAMILY TREE OF BEAU GEAUX
Old 11-13-2009, 04:05 PM   #2100
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The CAJUN FAMILY TREE OF BEAU GEAUX

The CAJUN FAMILY TREE OF BEAU GEAUX
> >
> > His dizzy aunt------------------------------Vertie Geaux
> > The brother who loved prunes----------------Gotta Geaux
> > The brother with constipation problems----------Neaux Geaux
> > The cousin who worked at a convenience store---Shop N. Geaux
> > The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------U Geaux
> > The niece from Illinois--------------------- She Car Geaux
> > His magician uncle----------------------Where Diddy Geaux
> > His Mexican Cousin----------------------------Ah Me Geaux
> > The Mexican cousin's American brother---------Gring Geaux
> > The nephew who drove an armored car-----Wells Far Geaux
> > The uncle serving time in Angola------------- Lemme Geaux
> > The ballroom dancer--------------------------Tang Geaux
> > The Asian bird-lover---------------------------Flo Ming Geaux
> > Her over confident nephew-----------------------E. Geaux
> > The fruit-loving cousin-----------------------Mang Geaux
> > The optimistic aunt-------------------------Way to Geaux
> > The bouncy little nephew------------------------Po Geaux
> > The niece with the oversized van---------- Winnie Bay Geaux
> > The Italian grandmother----------------------- Day Geaux
> >
> > (And there you Geaux)
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