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Old 12-20-2009, 10:14 AM   #2121
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Heh, my latest find: texts from last night

Almost certainly not work safe.
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Old 12-20-2009, 06:39 PM   #2122
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Minister checking into hotel: I sure hope the pornography channel is disabled!
Clerk: No, it's just the regular pornography, you sicko!
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Old 12-20-2009, 07:17 PM   #2123
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Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."
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Old 12-22-2009, 03:17 PM   #2124
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A man checks into a hotel in London while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... Well, you get the picture!

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. Back in the room he figured, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. And yes she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one… No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, and whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.'
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Old 12-22-2009, 04:41 PM   #2125
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Got some friends that went ice fishing, they brought home sixty pounds of ice. If you think thats funny their wives drowned in the kitchen trying to cook the gol durned stuff.
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Old 12-24-2009, 10:41 AM   #2126
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The Math of Santa Claus

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle ever made, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 2,157.5 tons of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:10 AM   #2127
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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing..
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

*****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW .......

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
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My Favorite Farmer Joke
Old 12-26-2009, 11:11 AM   #2128
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My Favorite Farmer Joke

A traveling salesman stays overnight with a farm family. When the family gathers to eat there’s a pig seated at the table. And the pig has three medals hanging around his neck and a peg leg. The salesman says, “Um, I see you have a pig having dinner with you.”
“Yes,” says the farmer. “That’s because he’s a very special pig. You see those medals around his neck? Well, the first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the pond, and he was drowning, and that pig swam out and saved his life. The second medal, that’s from when the barn caught fire and our little daughter was trapped in there and the pig ran inside, carried her out and saved her life. And the third medal, that’s from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stock yard by a mean bull, and that pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boy’s life.”
“Yes,” says the salesman, “I can see why you let that pig sit right at the table and have dinner with you. And I can see why you awarded him the medals. But how did he get the peg leg?”
“Well,” says, the farmer, “a pig like that–you don’t eat him all at once.”
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Old 12-26-2009, 12:57 PM   #2129
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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Cartoon Of The Day: The Burger King Bow


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Old 12-26-2009, 03:53 PM   #2130
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Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies




1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila


Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.


Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.


If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.


Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.


Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas !
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Old 01-05-2010, 02:06 PM   #2131
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The Early Retirement forum had entered a boat in the Olympic trials for several years running, and had always come in dead last.

Finally, they send REWahoo to Oxford to see if he could learn what the problem was. He comes back and reports, "I've learned what we're doing wrong! The Oxford team has only one guy yelling, and eight guys rowing!"
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Peace be with you
Old 01-05-2010, 02:43 PM   #2132
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Peace be with you

As a Bagpiper, I play many funeral gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side
service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
typical man I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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Old 01-06-2010, 01:32 PM   #2133
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I think this is a real commercial. I never saw anything like this on TV around here.
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Old 01-06-2010, 01:48 PM   #2134
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This is the funniest commercial I have ever seen.

splendAd - Jack in the Box - Sirloin Burger - Angus Diagram commercial
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You know you are a musician when...
Old 01-07-2010, 01:40 PM   #2135
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You know you are a musician when...

When you get invited to play the same gig the following year, which
means that you don't have tear down after this year's gig.
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Old 01-07-2010, 05:25 PM   #2136
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I'd like to take credit for this one from another forum, but I won't. I can't figure out how to link to it directly, but it's post #2 here.
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Old 01-07-2010, 09:04 PM   #2137
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Looks like you have to register to view the forum.
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Old 01-08-2010, 11:33 AM   #2138
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Here's an amusing one. I especially like the added touch of the box of cornstarch on the diagnostic bench.

Mike D.


Here is a very interesting demonstration of the new Chrysler Turbo Encabulator. Take a look at it and send it to your gear head friends. They will be very interested in it. This technology can save us all.

It is a YouTube video and is safe to watch.
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Old 01-08-2010, 07:00 PM   #2139
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Let's play!


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Old 01-12-2010, 06:40 PM   #2140
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Porn Channel

Being a very religious kind of guy, when I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick b*stard!!"
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