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Old 01-12-2010, 08:57 PM   #2141
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Mary had a little lamb its fleece was pink day-glo;
And everywhere that Mary went, she dragged the lamb, you know
She took it on the job one day, to try and score more tricks
But the Johns kept their distance, afraid to dip their wicks
So she called pimp in charge that day and told him of her plight
He advised her, "use mint jelly", it will set the mood just right
So now she’s in to threesomes, thats'Mary and her pet.
Complete with bills of health, you see, from her doctor and the vet
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Old 01-12-2010, 10:37 PM   #2142
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Activists Missing After Declaring “War on Leather” at Motorcycle Rally*|*GlossyNews.com

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Old 01-13-2010, 12:17 PM   #2143
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There´s this guy peacefully reading his newspaper when, suddenly, his wife comes from the kitchen and hits him over the head with a skillet.
The husband yells in pain: "WHAT¨S THE MATTER WITH YOU?"

The wife says: "it´s this piece of paper with the name Marylou and a number on it that I found on YOUR trouser pocket"

The husband replies: "But dear, do you remember that the other day I went to the horse races....? Well, Marylou was the mare I put a bet on and the number was the prize to be paid to the winner on that race"

The wife, satisfied by the explanation, apologises and returns to her chores.

A few days later, the husband is enjoying his paper and all of a sudden her wife hits him again on the head, but this time with the pressure cooker.

The husband, stunned by the blow, screams: WHAT THE F***K IS THE MATTER WITH YOU NOW?

Noithing dear, it´s your mare on the phone for you....
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Old 01-14-2010, 09:06 AM   #2144
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TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:


Takeoff clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoowith 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex..
Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe andtowelon head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:


Take off clothes while sitting on the
edge of the bedand leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom....
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener andscratchyour butt..
Get in the shower.

Wash your face.
Wash your armpits....
Blow your nose in your hands and

let the water rinsethem off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surroundingarea.
Wash your butt,
leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because
curtain washanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel onbed.



If there is anyone who did not laugh atthe
truth behindthis,
there is something SO very wrong with
you.



Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!

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Old 01-14-2010, 02:39 PM   #2145
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I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"Screw you, Old Fart, you're having soup. I was talking to the dog."
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Old 01-15-2010, 06:03 AM   #2146
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You might be a personal finance redneck if…


…you don’t have to pay alimony because the state you live in never recognized your marriage to your sister in the first place.

…the only stock you care about is the racing car kind.

…somebody asks you if you’d like to invest in a CD and you tell them “no, I’d rather invest in a DVD.”

…when people ask you when you want to retire, you say “right after I get a flat one.”

…you reckon that diversifying is going to be tough to do because you never did any versifying in the first place.

…keeping up with the Joneses means moving your trailer 50 feet to the right.

…you think Warren Buffet is a place where rabbits have an all-you-can-eat bar.

…you pulled your kids out of school after you heard about ‘No Child Left Behind’ because you didn’t want a bunch of one-right-buttock-only children to support.

…you don’t have to worry about the Latte factor, you have to worry about the Kools-and-Schlitz Factor.

…everyone around you had a Poor Dad.

…only use the phrase debt snowball in the middle of a snowball fight: “Watch out fer debt snowball!”

…got all happy when you heard someone talking about an IRA, because you figured it’s time for the NRA to go International.

…you ask a worker at the Wal Mart where you can find the new Formula 401 … you know, the 401K?

…your financial adviser and your bartender are the same person.

…your idea of saving for the future is buying Coke by the case.

…you don’t worry about your retirement because Ed McMahon’s assured you that you might already be a winner.


…and finally…

…you actually know in detail why a subprime mortgage isn’t such a great deal after all.
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Geography
Old 01-15-2010, 01:42 PM   #2147
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Geography

Geography Of A Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especiallyfor someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages….she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
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Old 01-15-2010, 02:30 PM   #2148
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I assume these are Japanese, but they are damn funny: When subtitles go wrong
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Old 01-16-2010, 01:40 PM   #2149
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A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says
he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there
and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab
his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued
enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Old 01-17-2010, 10:32 AM   #2150
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This morning on the motorway, I looked
over to my right and there was a Woman
In a brand new BMW Doing 75Mph

With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much I dropped My electric shaver,
Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked My Mobile phone Away from my ear
Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed,
And burned Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an Important call.

BL00DY women drivers!!
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Old 01-19-2010, 12:45 PM   #2151
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A fiftyish woman suffers a massive heart attack. While she is in extremis being operated on, she has a close to death experience and sees God.
She asks Him if it is true that she going to die.
God answers: "Not at all, you´ve still got 30 or 40 years left on you!

When she comes to from the anaesthesia she tells herself that, since she is in a hospital and with such a long life ahead of her, she might as well use this oportunity and undergo all sorts of plastic surgeries and leave the hospital a stunning sexy young woman.

When she is just leaving the hospital and out in the street, anticipating all the fun the new her is going to have, she is run over by a bus.

Back at the same hospital -and again under surgery- nothing can be done for her and she dies.

Whe she sees God at the Pearly Gates she demands angrily: But what the f*** is this? Didn´t You tell me a couple of months ago that I had almost 40 years left?

God, terribly embarrassed, says: Yeah Yeah....But I swear I swear....I DIDNT RECOGNIZE YOU´---!!
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Old 01-20-2010, 04:48 AM   #2152
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I´m afraid this joke loses a lot in translation, but anyway, here it goes:

We´ve got this postman in his last day of work. He starts his route and on every house he is greeted with congratulations and presents or tips. When he reaches his last stop of his route, the beautiful woman who lives there invites him in, serves him a coffee ...and suddenly undresses and takes him by the hand to the bedroom. Makes love to him for two hours. The postman is ecstatic and exhausted.
After the torrid session the woman offers him another coffee. When the mailman picks up the cup he notices that there is a 10 dollar bill on the saucer. Surprised he asks: Well you know you´ve already treated me to the most fantastic present....why this bill?
The woman shrugs and replies: "you know, I told my husband that today would be the last on your job and that we should show you some sort of gratitude for your good work...and my husband said: "F**k HIM! JUST GIVE HIM TEN BUCKS..."


PS. My sincere apologies if you don´t find it funny. In Spain it was quite popular.
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Old 01-20-2010, 12:35 PM   #2153
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Oh Vicente...that was hysterical!

...ok, now it's my turn....

An Englishman walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the pub this is a very talented animal. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the pub laughs, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will bet $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A Welshman walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Segovia. The Welshman pays his $50.

Another Englishman walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This Englishman also pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He gives them to the octopus who fumbles around with them in a confused fashion for several minutes.

"Ha!" the Scot says, "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
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Old 01-21-2010, 07:08 AM   #2154
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Not sure if this one is a joke....

FOOLPROOF LOVE TEST.
1. Lock up your dog and your wife inside the trunk of your car.
2. Keep them inside there for an hour exactly (otherwise the results of the test would be inaccurate)
3. Proceed to slowly open the trunk.
4. Check out which of the two is really happy to see you again.

JUST WHAT i´VE SAID......NEVER FAILS!!!!

Note: This experiment can -theoretically- be tried with husbands, too.
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Old 01-22-2010, 11:50 AM   #2155
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A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "No matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret..."
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Old 01-22-2010, 12:41 PM   #2156
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A chess tournament was being held at a big hotel. One evening a bunch of the competitors were hanging around the reception area, talking but apparently not causing too much bother.

The hotel manager however tells to move on. After they'd gone the person on duty at reception asked why he chased them off as they certainly weren't getting in his way. The manager replied, "I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"
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Old 01-22-2010, 01:24 PM   #2157
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Old 01-22-2010, 05:41 PM   #2158
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet and hunger strikes,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him, (Oh, man, this is so bad),
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Old 01-23-2010, 12:00 PM   #2159
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbbamI View Post
................
One quick glance at your row of emoticons was enough to make me dizzy.... Can´t get what they are supposed to mean....
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Old 01-23-2010, 12:22 PM   #2160
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vicente solano View Post
One quick glance at your row of emoticons was enough to make me dizzy.... Can´t get what they are supposed to mean....
Mmm, hmmm...sure Vicente....

Well, if you really want to fall off your trolley, take a look at this one...
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