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Old 01-23-2010, 12:30 PM   #2161
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Mmm, hmmm...sure Vicente....

Well, if you really want to fall off your trolley, take a look at this one...
Now I got squint-eyed...! Thank you
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Old 01-23-2010, 08:53 PM   #2162
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If you are the prudish type, you may not want to read this, and yes, it is a COARSE joke but damn it is funny.


..................... WARNING, may offend ................................



Bullfrogs and Blow Jobs


A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. '


“Well, It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month!” he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If
I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.'
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Old 01-26-2010, 12:45 PM   #2163
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After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.


NowI have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis
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French Paratrooper
Old 01-27-2010, 12:12 PM   #2164
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French Paratrooper

Okay, fair warning. Not as bad as the bullfrog joke, but close

The French Paratroopers

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told ' im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your derriere!'"

"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle ...at ze beginning."
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School Teacher Arressted
Old 01-27-2010, 07:10 PM   #2165
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School Teacher Arressted

School Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, a spokesman for the department of Homeland Security said, "This is unprecedented. If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
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Only the dog knows for sure...
Old 01-28-2010, 02:56 PM   #2166
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Only the dog knows for sure...

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Old 01-28-2010, 04:48 PM   #2167
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An independist Catalonian and a unionist Andalusian are walking along the street in Madrid and, suddenly, they find a very strange bottle. The Catalonian picks it up, uncorks it, and.... out comes a genie.
The genie tells them that, out of gratitude for releasing him, he is going to give them each whatever they wish.
The Catalonian says that he wants a wall long, high and strong enough to surround Catalonia and separate It from the rest of Spŕin. Thus, at long last, Catalonia shall be able rule Itself without interference from Spain.
The genie complies and builds a wall that completely satisfies the Catalonian: a wall 1.500 km long, 5 km high and 500m wide.
"Now it´s your turn", the genie tells the Andalusian, who asks if the wall really is hermetic, airtight and islolates Catalonia.
"Absolutely" replies the genie.
The Andalusian: "Well, then, if that is the case.....mmm...FILL IT WITH WATER..!"
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Funny for women (but I thought it was a hoot as well)
Old 01-29-2010, 08:11 AM   #2168
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Funny for women (but I thought it was a hoot as well)

This is, so I am told, an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2007 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

>
> Dear Mr. Thatcher,
>
> I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
> and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
> Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
> or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
> the beach in tight, white shorts.
>
> But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
> Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
> is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure
> I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
>
> Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
> haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now.
> As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
> through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and
> I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
> hillbilly with knife skills.'
>
> Isn't the human body amazing?
>
> As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
> seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
> customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
> about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
> intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
> surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
>
> The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
> crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
> the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
> so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
> opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
> were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
>
> Are you frigging kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
> middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
> happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
> mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
> FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
> anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
> Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
> march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
> sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
>
> For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
> moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
> something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
> 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.
>
> Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
> immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
> chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
> certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
> brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.
>
> Always.
>
> Wendi Aarons
> Austin, TX
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Old 01-29-2010, 08:27 AM   #2169
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
This is, so I am told, an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products.
Funny - I guess the letter is real, but never actually sent to P&G

snopes.com: An Open Letter to Procter & Gamble
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Old 01-29-2010, 12:18 PM   #2170
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Originally Posted by travelover View Post
Funny - I guess the letter is real, but never actually sent to P&G

snopes.com: An Open Letter to Procter & Gamble
I figured as much but still thought it was funny.

Thanks for checking up on it, I must remember snopes in future
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MY BBQ rules
Old 01-29-2010, 04:56 PM   #2171
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MY BBQ rules

It is important for you to knowthe etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1)
The woman buys the food.
(2)
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3)
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4)
The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) The man places the meat on the grill.

More routine....
(6)
The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7)
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8)
The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

More routine...
(9)
The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10)
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11)
Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts!

(12)
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
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Old 01-29-2010, 05:15 PM   #2172
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
I figured as much but still thought it was funny.

Thanks for checking up on it, I must remember snopes in future
It's funny even it was never sent.
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Old 01-29-2010, 05:18 PM   #2173
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeyd View Post
It is important for you to knowthe etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1)
The woman buys the food.
(2)
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3)
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4)
The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) The man places the meat on the grill.

More routine....
(6)
The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7)
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

(8)
The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

More routine...
(9)
The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10)
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11)
Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts!

(12)
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

GRUNT...SCRATCH..

unghghg

ooooop

ME FORGOT SNORT HAHA
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Old 01-31-2010, 11:45 AM   #2174
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Not really a joke, but this is so funny I have to post it. This story is from the Baton Rouge Advocate today and the Toyota dealership in question is one I have visited many, many times.

2theadvocate.com | News | Man’s truck strikes BR Toyota dealership — Baton Rouge, LA

Quote:
A man who attempted to return his recalled Toyota pickup truck to All Star Toyota on Airline Highway on Saturday crashed into the dealership building when his allegedly faulty accelerator stuck, the Baton Rouge Police Department reported.

The crash caused extensive damage to the truck involved, but no major injuries were reported, said Lt. Todd G. Lee Sr., chief of administrative services for the Police Department.

Mikel Valviva sought to return his truck to the dealership at 9150 Airline Highway, saying he no longer wanted it because of the recall on the accelerator, Lee said.
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Old 01-31-2010, 01:34 PM   #2175
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Subject: Senior Road Trip.......

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. The elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

All the way back to the restaurant, the elderly husband fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
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Old 02-02-2010, 02:44 PM   #2176
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A man was having breakfast by the window in a coffee shop and sees a very strange procession heading for the nearby cemetery. A big black coffin was being followed by another big black one 20 meters behind.
After this last one walks a man by himself with a huge pitbull. And behind him 200 people followed in single file.
Filled with curiosity, the man runs out of the coffee shop and asks the one with the dog: "Sorry to bother you at this sad moment, but who are the deceased? Because I´ve never seen such a peculair funeral cortege"
The man in mourning answers: "Well in the first coffin lies my wife. My dog attacked her and killed her.
"Dear God! How horrible!. And who is in the other coffin?"
"My mother-in-law is in that one. When she tried to defend her daughter my dog killed her too"
There was a solemn moment of silence. And then the onlooker says: Errr...I say, could I borrow your dog?
The bereaved husband and son in law replies: "You´ll have to get in line"
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Old 02-03-2010, 03:14 PM   #2177
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Not a joke, just some funny comments I read on a local news radio station's website. These are in reply to the prediction of yet another huge snow storm in our National's Capital this weekend:

DC hasn't seen this much snow since Marion Barry was in office.

If global warming is going to destroy us all, shouldn't it get hotter and hotter like that Twilight Zone episode where the earth was getting closer to the sun and all the water was drying up and everyone was dying and then the woman passed out and when she woke up she realized that the earth was moving further from the sun and everything was getting colder and colder and everyone was freezing to death? I mean, we've had record snow and cold and everyone talks global warming. What? Milk, eggs, toilet paper and movies at blockbuster are flying off the shelves? I'll be back later to continue my rant. Now, I've got to race to the Wheaton, Rockville, Fairfax, Springfield, Olney, DC, Giant.

In further developments, the Virginia state assembly has instituted a Snow Tax. It will be applied to TP, Milk, bread, cereal, chips and salsa, and anything else that the grocery stores may sell out. One source told us upon condition of anonymity that because alcohol is already taxed out the wazoo, we will hold off on applying the Snow Tax to beer, wine, or booze.

VDOT crews are preparing for the latest round of snow. More than 1,100 trucks will start hitting the streets by 8 p.m. and monitoring conditions and treating roads as needed. Can anyone else say clusterf**k?

Today's forecast: Darkness towards evening with occasional light in the morning.

And our computer models suggest that Thursday will follow Wednesday this week. Tune in at 11 for more details.

Is it too early to abandon my car on the beltway yet?

I want the government to shovel it out for me!
Reply: Won't happen - it will be killed in the senate.
2nd reply: It's all in the wording. Use the term "bail out" and they'll be right over.

...my grandfather abandoned his cars uphill AND downhill with NO anti lock brakes OR 4 wheel drive. I am about to carry on tradition and abandon my pickup truck with a motorcycle in the back....towing a u-haul trailer...in the middle of the 66/495 interchange. Grandpa would have been proud *sniff*.
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Old 02-04-2010, 06:23 AM   #2178
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The Zoo of Barcelona buys female gorilla for an astronomical price. After a few weeks everybody notices that she has become ery irritable and difficult to handle. The vet is called in concluding after an exhaustive examination that there´s nothing seriously wrong with the animal- it´s just that she is in heat.

But this turns out to be a problem, since there is no male gorilla available.

After some time worrying the problem, the manager of the Zoo finds what could be a solution. There is this employee of the Zoo who cleans up the facilities, who is shockingly hung according to rumors, and at the same time, doesn´t seem to be very bright...

So the managers summons him to his office and with sopme hesitation, finally asks him if, as a favor to his employer, he would have sex with the gorilla. The Zoo would, of course, compensate him for his trouble with 500 euros.

The employee, surprised by the proposition, replies that he would think about it, but, in any case, he needed some time to make a decision.

Next day the employee meets with the manager and tells him that he accepts, but on three conditionns.

The manager, relieved says. "Whatever". "What are the conditions?"
"1. No kissing". "Ok, fair enough" says the manager.
"2. No kids". "Of course , no problem. And the third?"
"Well...mmm... I need at least another week of saving up to raise the 500 euros."
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Old 02-05-2010, 12:26 AM   #2179
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Can't remember where I saw this one, so I hope I'm not repeating it here:

A man and his fellow are playing gold one day at their local course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
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Old 02-05-2010, 01:35 PM   #2180
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Originally Posted by travelover View Post
Funny - I guess the letter is real, but never actually sent to P&G

snopes.com: An Open Letter to Procter & Gamble
Funny, huh? We'll see what's funny.....

Just kidding...I loved the letter.
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