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Old 02-06-2010, 02:07 PM   #2181
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A guy gets on a plane with 6 kids tagging along. After they are all seated, a lady sitting on the other side of the aisle asks him. "Are all those children yours?"
The guy says, "No, I'm a condom salesperson, and these are customer complaints."
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LOL
Old 02-06-2010, 06:24 PM   #2182
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LOL

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage
to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I
rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
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You Know You're Getting Old When...
Old 02-07-2010, 11:02 AM   #2183
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You Know You're Getting Old When...

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
The parts that are supposed to stay flexible are getting stiff, and the parts that are supposed to stay stiff are getting flexible
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your back goes out more than you do.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.
You don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style. Probably more than once.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they've been on your head all the time.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
Happy hour is a nap.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You got cable for the weather channel. Old Folks MTV!
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You don't remember being absentminded.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.
You tip more and carry less.
You read more and remember less.
You get propositioned by AARP.
Younger women start opening doors for you.
You begin to become invisible in the dating and mating game.
The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.
You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.
You are no longer 'promising'.
Younger men ask you for advice.
You work on your short game.
Youthful injuries return with a vengeance.
Youthful indiscretions harden into bad habits.
You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.
Your medical expenses go up 50%.
A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.
You learn where your prostrate is.
You develop a knack for wearing hats.
Almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work right.
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Old 02-07-2010, 11:14 AM   #2184
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hakuna matata View Post
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
That gave me a chuckle!
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Old 02-07-2010, 11:30 PM   #2185
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Quote:
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't remember being on top of it.
I saw a very old man in Waikiki last week with this t-shirt:

"Inside the body of every old person is a 25-year-old wondering what the hell happened..."
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Old 02-08-2010, 07:32 AM   #2186
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords View Post
I saw a very old man in Waikiki last week with this t-shirt:
"Inside the body of every old person is a 25-year-old wondering what the hell happened..."
From the Houston Chronicle's "old guy" columnist Leon Hale:
When you've lived as long as I have, a good many curious events come to pass. One is, people look you up and ask if they can interview you, about stuff you remember that happened before they were born.
What they're after is something called oral history, which is really popular now. It comes out of old folks like me. Giving oral history is one of the few things we can do that the young ones can't do better...

...she was obliged to ask me such questions as, “What is the biggest change you've seen in your lifetime?”

That's the kind of query you get from these oral history interviewers. They want to hear about change.

And you mustn't give the first answer that occurs. You mustn't even give a truly honest answer. Because my honest answer to that question would be something like, “I was once young, and entirely healthy, able to eat and drink anything I wanted and lift medium-weight objects and father children and stay awake past 9:30. And now I'm old as mountains and have arthritis in my wrists and can't twist the top off a jar of peach preserves, and this is the biggest change I've seen in my lifetime.”
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Old 02-09-2010, 01:36 PM   #2187
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Not funny, Htown Harrry. I resemble that remark.
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The morning after....
Old 02-09-2010, 03:31 PM   #2188
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The morning after....

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jill'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'



Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS
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Old 02-09-2010, 03:44 PM   #2189
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A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there had low cut blouses and were very young..

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.


10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before...

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Old 02-12-2010, 12:09 PM   #2190
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Ole lived across the river from Clarence who he didn't like at all.

All the time they were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, 'If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure, ya betcha by golly!'

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, says, 'Now is your chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vould.'

Ole says, 'OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat' Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge and he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home. Ole's wife asked,'vhy did you come back?'

Ole said, 'I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says 'Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river'
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Old 02-17-2010, 09:45 AM   #2191
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No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

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Old 02-17-2010, 10:53 AM   #2192
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That hits just a little too close to home...
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:56 PM   #2193
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Give me a forum ...
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JESUS and ELVIS - Coincidence, or Cosmic Plan?

JESUS was a carpenter.
ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.

JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)

JESUS was part of the Trinity.
ELVIS' very first band was a trio.

JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)

JESUSS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)

JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Mary, an important woman in JESUS' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS' life, attended Immaculate Conception High School.

JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters.
ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.

No one knows what the "H" in "JESUS H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if ELVIS' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

JESUS had his famous Resurrection.
ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land.
ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.
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Old 02-17-2010, 04:51 PM   #2194
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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Following directions
Old 02-17-2010, 08:28 PM   #2195
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Following directions

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
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Old 02-20-2010, 04:59 PM   #2196
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Italians on a bus

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ..
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who a talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi '.
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Old 02-20-2010, 11:32 PM   #2197
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Not really a joke, but a super funny letter written to Richard Branson by a disappointed customer.
Food on Virgin Mumbai - London flight
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:54 AM   #2198
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Every parent's worst nightmare:

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Old 02-24-2010, 01:11 PM   #2199
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Give me a forum ...
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A message for us all... or me anyway..

Error 404 - You have spent too much time on the net.

http://phylab.mtu.edu/~nckelley/Focus/
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Old 02-24-2010, 04:54 PM   #2200
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Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the sonafabitch.'
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