It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[MikeD]

http://images.paraorkut.com/img/funn...eeth-13099.jpg

[Elderdude]

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered porpoises that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5 An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on

6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely, saying, "Hmmm... I must have taken Leif off my census."

7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

8. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you need no enemas."

[Alan]

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning on Lake D'Arbonnne, but after a short time I ran
out of worms. Then I saw a cotton-mouth snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him
right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with
two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in Louisiana !

[Onward]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elderdude A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

That one slayed me!

[RonBoyd]

Well, it would be a joke if it wasn't so "dead on."

Google Short Story.JPG
Exploring Our Matrix: Life Before Google

[Walt34]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

I always try to make a special effort with my grandkids on the weekends. Every once in a while I'll take Lily, my 6-year old grandaughter, out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just me and her. The other Sunday however, I had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, Betty came to the rescue and said that she would take Lily out for a drive.

When they returned, Lily anxiously ran upstairs to see how I was doing.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Mee-maw?" I asked.

"Oh yes, Pop-pop", Lily replied, "And do you know what?" "We didn't see a single ass hole, dumb bastard, dip **** or horse's ass anywhere we went today!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[TromboneAl]

I used to light the candle at both ends, but now I can't even find the matches.

[Westernskies]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding
on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re
member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us? .

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"
God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

[Ken11]

So a man dies to meets St Peter at the gate to heaven.
St Peter asks why he should be admitted.
The man explains that he invented HMO's.
These helped millions of people stay healthy and kept health care costs down.
This was a significant contribution to mankind.

St Peter thinks for a minute then says:
"OK please come in. But you can only stay for three days."

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ken11 So a man dies to meets St Peter at the gate to heaven. St Peter asks why he should be admitted. The man explains that he invented HMO's. These helped millions of people stay healthy and kept health care costs down. This was a significant contribution to mankind. St Peter thinks for a minute then says: "OK please come in. But you can only stay for three days."

So this is this what your financial guy told you when you asked him if he would only charge you his fee if he beat the index?

[calmloki]

Pictures With Words (How Confusing!) | SadAndUseless.com

Sample:

"Since writing on toilet walls is done neither for critical acclaim not financial rewards, it is the purest form of art".

[calmloki]

Uhhh - are your math skills equal to your childcare skills Seaman Bennett?

[Westernskies]

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to
the CFO of the hospital and said,"I notice you buy
a lot of bandages.

What do you do with the end of the roll when there's
too little left to be of any use?

"Good question," noted the CFO.
"We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now
and then they send us a free box of bandages.

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went,
in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do
you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a
patient?

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector
was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every
now and
then they send us a free package of plaster..

"I see," replied the auditor,thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What
do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO.. "What we
do is save all the little foreskins and send them
to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete dick."

[Alan]

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the
way home.'

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-
out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not
found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

+++++

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

+++++


Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

+++++

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

+++++

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

+++++

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!!
Personally I think its bollocks!!

+++++

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk **** and can't drive!

+++++

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

+++++

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*stard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."


++++

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of
Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus! are yez stupid?

Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''

[bbbamI]

...tick sod? I need to git mah Irish book out....

[REWahoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bbbamI ...tick sod? I need to git mah Irish book out....

Translated into Texan, "stoopid idjit"

[jIMOh]

Quote:

i get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what i would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a rolex. It was very nice of them, but i think they misunderstood me when i said, "i wanna watch."

rofl

lololololol

[Alan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo Translated into Texan, "stoopid idjit"

got it in one!!

[TromboneAl]

Do you know why they call it “PMS?”

Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.

[Alan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TromboneAl Do you know why they call it “PMS?” Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.

oh, oh, you are so busted!!

Been nice knowing you Al