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Old 03-18-2010, 03:19 PM   #2241
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Old 03-18-2010, 04:53 PM   #2242
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AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

Have a happy St. Pat's Day !!!!!
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Old 03-23-2010, 05:13 PM   #2243
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The Aisle Seat

Two radical terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the terrorist in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the terrorists picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other terrorist said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other terrorist picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his neighbors...
'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'
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Old 03-23-2010, 06:15 PM   #2244
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On their wedding night, the young brideapproached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their firstlovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readilyagreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for morethan 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to affordnew clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husbandin a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained thathis employer was going through a process of corporate down-sizing, and hehad been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able tofind another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, andtherefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Thenshe showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which wereworth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largestdepositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had"charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and thesewere the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, herhusband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found hisvoice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, Iwould have given you all my business!"

That's when sheshot him.

You know, sometimes,some men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
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Old 03-25-2010, 09:33 PM   #2245
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Three little boys were bored to tears on their summer vacation, so their moms gave them each a few dollars to go down to the corner store and buy a new toy. On the way to the store the boys decide not to pool their money, but to see who can buy the best toy.

The first little boy buys balloons. That's a pretty good toy they think, they'll make water balloons.

The second little boy comes out with a kite. Eh, just okay they all think.

The third little boy comes out with a brown paper bag and pulls out a small box of tampons. "What are those?"exclaim the two other boys. "I don't know", says the third little boy, "but the box says if we use them we can go hiking and swimming and horseback riding....."
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Sherlock Holmes does it again
Old 03-26-2010, 12:47 PM   #2246
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Sherlock Holmes does it again

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are in hot pursuit of a criminal in the narrow, dark, foggy streets of London, and they follow him down an alley that is a dead end with no apparent way out.

"Quick Watson, your pocket knife, if I may", snaps Mr Holmes. Dr Watson duly hands over a pocket knife to Holmes and watches amazed as he first fishes around in his many pockets before producing a lemon which he slices in two. With a half lemon in each hand he proceeds to squeeze and rub them over the wall at the end of the alley and as the juice flows over the bricks, a doorway is revealed. They open the door and rush in to apprehend the villain.

As they march him off to the nearest police station Dr Watson says, "Holmes, that was remarkable, how did you know what to do?". "Lemon entry", replied Holmes.
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Old 03-28-2010, 07:31 AM   #2247
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16 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn


By Dave Barry, nationally syndicated columnist

  1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and will never achieve its full potential, that one word would be "meetings."
  3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
  4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  7. Never lick a steak knife!
  8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
  10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
  12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
  13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
  14. Your friends love you anyway.
  15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
  16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:



There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Old 03-29-2010, 10:58 PM   #2248
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There is a rumor being circulated that, sometime in 2010, Wal-Mart will begin offering Customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, In the $2 - $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a definitely market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas.

"But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine a good, but logical, name for the proposed Walmart brand of wine.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax because I know Possum is not a white meat.
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Old 03-31-2010, 01:05 PM   #2249
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Q. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A. Knock on the hatch.
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Think outside the box
Old 04-01-2010, 08:23 AM   #2250
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Think outside the box

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild,
stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see
three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old
lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old
friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner
you have been dreaming about.


Which one
would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that
there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.


This is a
moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used
as part of a job
application. You could pick up the old lady,
because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first. Or you
could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this
would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be
able to find your perfect mate again.





The
candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)
had no trouble coming up
with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give
the car keys to my
old friend and let him take the lady to the
hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my
dreams.'


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our
stubborn thought limitations.


Never forget
to 'Think Outside of the Box.'



HOWEVER....,
A better answer may be to run the old lady over and
put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on
the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


I just love happy endings!
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Old 04-01-2010, 10:40 AM   #2251
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
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Old 04-05-2010, 12:07 AM   #2252
Recycles dryer sheets
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Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.
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Old 04-05-2010, 10:39 AM   #2253
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Ten Rules...

Sounds good. But where's the humor?
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Another problem with deforestation
Old 04-06-2010, 08:44 AM   #2254
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Another problem with deforestation

Another problem with deforestation.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Dogs lining up.jpg (301.4 KB, 11 views)
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Old 04-06-2010, 02:33 PM   #2255
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In the local newpaper today, there was a blurb about a naked man found wandering in the park. He had a pot belly, a wrinkled ass, and a tiny male organ.

REWahoo, are you ok?
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Old 04-06-2010, 03:24 PM   #2256
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True story:

An acquaintance gave me a small Hammond chord organ to scavenge some electronic parts from. I had fun playing music prior to harvesting the organs parts. One day I overheard my wife say to a phone caller "I don't know if Keim is available. He may still be playing with his little organ." It was demolished shortly after that.
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Old 04-06-2010, 03:30 PM   #2257
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keim View Post
True story:

An acquaintance gave me a small Hammond chord organ to scavenge some electronic parts from. I had fun playing music prior to harvesting the organs parts. One day I overheard my wife say to a phone caller "I don't know if Keim is available. He may still be playing with his little organ." It was demolished shortly after that.
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:04 PM   #2258
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No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

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Old 04-07-2010, 08:04 PM   #2259
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No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

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Old 04-07-2010, 10:41 PM   #2260
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Some poor National Geographic/Scientific American graphics artist is way underemployed...
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