Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 04-20-2010, 02:53 PM   #2281
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
bbbamI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas 'burb
Posts: 8,975
Quote:
Originally Posted by harley View Post
A real toad strangler eh?
__________________

__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
bbbamI is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 04-21-2010, 03:10 PM   #2282
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: On the road again
Posts: 21,503
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone
__________________

__________________
MichaelB is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2010, 11:24 PM   #2283
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 619
A large hole has just opened up in the middle of Main Street...

City officials are looking into it.
__________________
SarahW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-21-2010, 11:25 PM   #2284
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 619
Also last night the local police station was broken into and all the toilet seats were taken...

so far the police have nothing to go on.
__________________
SarahW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-22-2010, 12:45 AM   #2285
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 9,774
An American tourist was on a motoring vacation in Ireland. Between trying to remember to drive on the left, and getting confused because the white line is in the middle of the road and the yellow ones at the outside, he was driving the wrong way down a country road when he was pulled over by a member of the Gardai (police). The Guard pointed out that he had been on the wrong side of the road:

Guard: "Sure don't you know what the white line means? You can't even be passing another fella. You can't cross the white line at all."

Tourist: "OK Guard. I've seen roads with a double white line. What does that mean?"

Guard: "You can't cross the double white line at all at all."
__________________
Meadbh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2010, 08:53 AM   #2286
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,062
Our kid swallowed two dimes and a penny. After the doc examined him, we asked how he was doing and the doc said "No change yet."
__________________
Al
TromboneAl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2010, 09:11 AM   #2287
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
IndependentlyPoor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Austin
Posts: 1,142
__________________
Start by admitting
from cradle to tomb
it isn't that long a stay.
IndependentlyPoor is offline   Reply With Quote
The State Trooper and the Juggler
Old 04-24-2010, 05:31 PM   #2288
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,043
The State Trooper and the Juggler

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 just south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.



The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.



The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.



The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.



The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.



While the man was doing his juggling act, a weaving car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.



The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.



The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is offline   Reply With Quote
Annual Physical
Old 04-25-2010, 05:54 PM   #2289
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,043
Annual Physical

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. QUIGS, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

"Mike, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush .
You could hear a pin drop.

Mike answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Marian, I told
you a hundred times...

What we have is...

Blue Cross!"
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2010, 02:50 PM   #2290
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
harley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Following the nice weather
Posts: 5,855
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
__________________
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Will Rogers
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
harley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2010, 11:20 AM   #2291
Moderator Emeritus
Nords's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Oahu
Posts: 26,564
Quote:
Originally Posted by harley View Post
THE WEDDING TEST
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Those of you preferring a visual, so to speak, here's the YouTube version:
__________________
*
*

The book written on E-R.org, "The Military Guide to Financial Independence and Retirement", on sale now! For more info see "About Me" in my profile.
I don't spend much time here anymore, so please send me a PM. Thanks.
Nords is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2010, 04:02 PM   #2292
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
Children's Strange Thoughts on the Sea


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-02-2010, 01:54 PM   #2293
Moderator Emeritus
Martha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: minnesota
Posts: 13,211
__________________
.


No more lawyer stuff, no more political stuff, so no more CYA

Martha is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2010, 01:57 PM   #2294
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,916
Fun With Secret Questions & Answers
My new bank, Ally Bank, configures a security question and answer for customer service calls. In addition to your SSN, date of birth, and mother's maiden name they also ask you the question you specify and wait for the answer you've provided. This is good, because many standard questions are guessable in a way that user-defined questions may not be.

A real live human operator always asks the question and waits for a real live answer. This measure has the potential to not just improve my account security but add entertainment value as well:

Q: Do you know why I think you're so sexy?
A: Probably because you're totally in love with me.

Q: Need any weed? Grass? Kind bud? Shrooms?
A: No thanks hippie, I'd just like to do some banking.


More here: tongodeon: Fun With Secret Questions & Answers
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-03-2010, 02:11 PM   #2295
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
bbbamI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas 'burb
Posts: 8,975
A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a deadly cottonmouth moccasin with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the problem was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.
__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
bbbamI is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2010, 09:18 AM   #2296
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
RonBoyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 5,143
A (large) collection of images that repurpose traditional models of data visualization for the organized minds amongst us:

Rhizome | General Web Content: The LOLgraph: Charts, Graphs, and Diagrams

For example:

Oh Snap.JPG
__________________
"It's tough to make predictions, especially when it involves the future." ~Attributed to many
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps by) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
RonBoyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2010, 09:51 PM   #2297
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
harley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Following the nice weather
Posts: 5,855
Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345 View Post
Fun With Secret Questions & Answers
My new bank, Ally Bank, configures a security question and answer for customer service calls. In addition to your SSN, date of birth, and mother's maiden name they also ask you the question you specify and wait for the answer you've provided. This is good, because many standard questions are guessable in a way that user-defined questions may not be.

A real live human operator always asks the question and waits for a real live answer. This measure has the potential to not just improve my account security but add entertainment value as well:

Q: Do you know why I think you're so sexy?
A: Probably because you're totally in love with me.

Q: Need any weed? Grass? Kind bud? Shrooms?
A: No thanks hippie, I'd just like to do some banking.


More here: tongodeon: Fun With Secret Questions & Answers
This is a hoot! I'm actually going to have to open an account with Ally because of this. My favorite (from the comments):

Q. Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks?
A. Shaft. Damn right.

also

Q: The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men.
A: Go forth, and kill. Zardoz has spoken.

__________________
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Will Rogers
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
harley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-05-2010, 06:52 AM   #2298
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,916
If one of the places I have an account does this, I will retreat to a bit of a riddle in an old Beatrix Potter book:

The man in the forest said to me,
"How many strawberries grow in the sea?"
I answered him as I thought good,
"As many herrings as swim in the wood"

At least I could remember it, as opposed to the dizzying array of random letters and numbers now required.
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
One word or two
Old 05-05-2010, 09:35 AM   #2299
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,043
One word or two

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-05-2010, 01:44 PM   #2300
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
bbbamI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas 'burb
Posts: 8,975
INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:

Global Facts…At Any Given Moment….


FACT…………79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now..

FACT…….…..58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT…………37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT…………1 person is reading “It’s Funny Joke Thursday”

................(hang in there darlin' )
__________________

__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
bbbamI is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:49 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.