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Old 05-21-2010, 10:33 AM   #2321
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Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

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Old 05-30-2010, 02:14 PM   #2322
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nice article.
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Old 05-31-2010, 01:59 PM   #2323
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The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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Old 05-31-2010, 02:00 PM   #2324
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SarahW View Post

Wonder why Gates is praying?
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Old 05-31-2010, 02:34 PM   #2325
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That's Monte Burns - "Exxxxxcellent"!
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Old 06-01-2010, 09:27 AM   #2326
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Old 06-01-2010, 01:57 PM   #2327
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A small East Texas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted Standen, a Bubba-esque part-time worker, who was responsible for cleaning the animal’s cages. Ted, like most Bubbas, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The administrator thought they might have a solution. Ted was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ted announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.

“First,” Ted said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her on the lips.”

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second”, Ted said, “you must never tell anyone about this”

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third,” Ted said, “I want any offspring to be raised Southern Baptist.”

Once again the administrator agreed.

“And last of all,” Ted stated, “you’ve got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.”
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Old 06-03-2010, 04:16 PM   #2328
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ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....



One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched. Then she says, (as only a mother would know...) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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Old 06-03-2010, 04:43 PM   #2329
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THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f.. are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
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Old 06-03-2010, 04:55 PM   #2330
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Those 2 previous jokes remind me of one time after our 17 year old DD had just had an argument with her boyfriend she said to us, "If only cucumbers could carry out the trash we'd have no need of men!!"

Afterwards I said to DW, "I hope she's not speaking from experience".
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Old 06-03-2010, 06:21 PM   #2331
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Old 06-04-2010, 12:18 PM   #2332
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A guy walks into the dentist's, "'Scuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
"I know."
"So why are you here?"
"The light is on."
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Old 06-04-2010, 02:28 PM   #2333
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Actual Headlines

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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Old 06-05-2010, 12:04 AM   #2334
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GARY COLEMAN... a bright star has passed. A special monogrammed casket was created in his honor.












(Yes, I know it's in poor taste. But you must admit it's funny. )
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Old 06-07-2010, 03:20 PM   #2335
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from the translation thread ...

EL PERRO

Un hombre tenía un perro muy bravo. Ya había mordido a dos o tres vecinos.
El veterinario le aconsejó que castrara al feroz animal; así le quitaría la bravura.
El hombre le prometió que al día siguiente se lo llevaría para tal efecto.
Ya lo llevaba, pero el animal se le soltó y fue a morder a un vagabundo que pasaba por ahí.
Alcanza el dueño al perro y lo sujeta.
-'Perdone -le dice al individuo-. Ahora mismo llevo al perro con el Veterinario a que le corten las bolas '.
Responde el vagabundo: 'Oiga patroncito le doy un consejo: mejor que le quite los dientes. Clarito se vé, que venía a morderme, no a cogerme'...

p[oorly translated, this would be

A man had a mean dog that had bitten two or three neighbors. He called his Vet and asked what to do. The Vet suggested castrating the dog – that. would relieve the aggression. The man promised he would bring the dog in.

The next day, on his way to the Vet, the dog got loose, ran up to a vagrant and tried to bit him. The man grabbed the dog and said to the vagrant “don’t worry, I’m bringing him to the Vet right now to have his testicles cut off”

The vagrant answered back “My good sir, might I suggest you pull his teeth instead of cutting off his balls. He only tried to bite me, not mount me.”
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Old 06-07-2010, 03:47 PM   #2336
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Alternative Names For Cubicles

14. Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death

13. Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat

12. Slack-In-The-Box

11. Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club

10. Peon Palazzo

9. Yuppie Terrarium

8. The SnackFooda Triangle

7. English Majors Entry Point

6. Luxury Manhattan Apartment

5. Picasso's Folly

4. International Porn Downloading Headquarters

3. Fortress of Servitude

2. Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal

1. Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000
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Old 06-08-2010, 11:27 AM   #2337
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This makes me laugh although it took me a moment to get it:
Attached Images
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Old 06-08-2010, 12:25 PM   #2338
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Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we"re joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country ... the history,the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English; they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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Old 06-08-2010, 01:01 PM   #2339
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Stud Rooster

(Forwarded to me from my wife...)

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
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Old 06-08-2010, 02:00 PM   #2340
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Quote:
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This makes me laugh although it took me a moment to get it:
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