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Old 06-11-2010, 06:02 PM   #2341
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A tough old cowboy from south texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

the grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.

he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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Old 06-11-2010, 07:24 PM   #2342
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BE SURE AND DO THE MATH BEFORE LOOKING AT THE LIST OF MOVIES.

Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how it works.


Pick a number from 1-9.


Multiply by 3.


Add 3.


Multiply by 3 again.


Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Gone with the wind" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below...







1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Beverly Hills Cop

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy of S** With A Goat

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. Toy Story

Amazing, isn't it?
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Old 06-11-2010, 07:28 PM   #2343
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Old 06-12-2010, 09:02 AM   #2344
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zedd View Post
Amazing, isn't it?
Uncanny...
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Old 06-12-2010, 10:29 AM   #2345
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HFWR View Post
Uncanny...
....seems to me if you guys had just watched the WHOLE movie, it just might be YOUR favorite too!!
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Old 06-12-2010, 01:47 PM   #2346
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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don’t go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


" Your badge. Show him your BADGE !"
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Old 06-12-2010, 01:48 PM   #2347
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Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about
people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between
them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning
or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking
there is NO difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
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Old 06-13-2010, 11:49 AM   #2348
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MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!
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Old 06-13-2010, 01:55 PM   #2349
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Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.

Enjoy the following Will Roger's quotes:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old
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Old 06-18-2010, 10:25 AM   #2350
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The maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

The conversation went like this:

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, mam , there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife, really furious now, "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No mam...the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
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Old 06-18-2010, 11:28 AM   #2351
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Wisconson's New Slogan: Come smell our dairy air.
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Old 06-19-2010, 01:34 PM   #2352
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The 10 most unfortunate URL names.

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
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Old 06-28-2010, 04:22 PM   #2353
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated
him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the
reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo
would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks
is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you
are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and
says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."
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Old 07-03-2010, 08:41 AM   #2354
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The economy is so bad, I got a "pre declined" credit card offer.

... if the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you call and ask if they mean yours or theirs.

...I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the teenager asked if I could afford fries with that.

...CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

...the roaches left because there is nothing to eat.

...the value menu now offers the smell of burger aroma. Real food costs extra.

...the grocery store holds your groceries until the check has cleared.

... your ISP requires you to carry your posts in your arms to the next packet relay station.

... when you stop on a dime you only get back a nickel.

...that when I bought a box of dryer sheets, they were already torn in half.

...the best paying job in town is jury duty.

...Bill Gates had to switch to dial-up.

...the ATM spits out IOUs.

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

...Parents in Beverly Hills are raising their own kids.

...Wall Street has been renamed "Wal-Mart Street."
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Now that SCOTUS has ruled in favor of guns this can now be released...
Old 07-07-2010, 04:52 PM   #2355
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Now that SCOTUS has ruled in favor of guns this can now be released...

13 Reasons Why a Handgun is Better than a Woman

1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

2) You can trade a .44 for two .22's.

3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

8) Handguns function normally every day of the month.

9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"

10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is.

13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger"…

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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

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Old 07-08-2010, 10:28 AM   #2356
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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and spirits into urine.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it.

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

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Old 07-11-2010, 01:04 PM   #2357
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World Cup News

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has
personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South
Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete
the transaction.
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Old 07-12-2010, 12:36 PM   #2358
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Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England In fact, the Titanic was carrying 120,000 cases of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as...

...Sinko De Mayo
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Old 07-16-2010, 04:48 PM   #2359
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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Old 07-16-2010, 06:15 PM   #2360
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Best Living Will Ever....


I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.


If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:



Glass of wine

Chocolate
Margarita
Martini
Cold Beer
Chocolate
Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Sex
Mexican food
Cold Beer
French fries
Chocolate
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Cup of tea
Cold Beer




It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!
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