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Old 07-18-2010, 01:49 PM   #2361
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A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before?

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"


13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:53 PM   #2362
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Adding to the best will ever.

If I can't walk on my own two feet to the bathroom, and wipe my own a$$.


This line is really in my advance directives.
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Kneeling High Jump record
Old 07-21-2010, 11:32 AM   #2363
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Kneeling High Jump record

KNEELING HIGH JUMP RECORD


Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP
from a KNEELING position?

The record (0.757 meters) - remember this is from a KNEELING position -
was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France .





This photograph was taken a split second before the jump -
but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.......

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Old 07-21-2010, 02:18 PM   #2364
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?
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Missing Missy
Old 07-23-2010, 12:09 PM   #2365
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Missing Missy

Not sure if this is real but I sure can imagine it happening. Read the entire thread from top to bottom

98.3 WTRY
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:34 PM   #2366
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During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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Old 07-27-2010, 04:05 PM   #2367
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A motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir?
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
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Old 07-27-2010, 08:02 PM   #2368
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ok,not Thursday or really a joke but


THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE BEST HEADLINES EVER










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Old 07-27-2010, 08:34 PM   #2369
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Man, they sure used a lot of ink for that. I womder if the Snickers bar was the problem or was it something else? I guess I'll never know.
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Ramblings of a dinosaur
Old 07-28-2010, 03:45 AM   #2370
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Ramblings of a dinosaur

Ramblings of a dinosaur

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those mobile phones that people have clipped onto their belt or handbag. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realised that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I have that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat litter tray, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
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Illusion
Old 07-28-2010, 03:13 PM   #2371
Recycles dryer sheets
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Illusion

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Old 08-03-2010, 09:17 AM   #2372
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When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife
and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead and well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.


I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."


PS.I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:20 AM   #2373
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One day God was looking down on earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
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The very first "Senior moment"
Old 08-03-2010, 02:30 PM   #2374
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The very first "Senior moment"

The very first "Senior moment"
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Old 08-03-2010, 03:15 PM   #2375
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The very first "Senior moment"
Good one.
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Rural Ontario
Old 08-04-2010, 10:57 AM   #2376
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Rural Ontario

Welcome to Rural Ontario

Just in Time for Summer Vacation




THE RULES OF RURAL ONTARIO ARE AS FOLLOWS

Listen up City Slickers!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap straight, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 7 & 401 goes east and west, Hwy 15 & 416 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Ontario waves. It's called 'being friendly'. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. There's little for 'vegetarians' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. Ontario Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Maple Leafs and Montreal Habs, and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks from here in the Armed Forces. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer to #1).

20. TWO inches of snow & ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't the North Pole, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.



A true Ontarian will send this on!!!
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Old 08-04-2010, 04:50 PM   #2377
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Not a joke, but too funny to not post. Hooray for Twitter.

Clueless Politicians: Best Twitter Revelation Ever | The Bilerico Project
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Groaner
Old 08-05-2010, 07:04 AM   #2378
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Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush....."

SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for posting this. Just couldnt help it!

And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!
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Old 08-05-2010, 03:16 PM   #2379
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And Mexicans always talk to one another in accented English.
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Old 08-05-2010, 06:23 PM   #2380
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And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!
That accent was pure Speedy Gonzales...
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