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Old 08-06-2010, 12:36 PM   #2381
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A guy walks into a bar with a small dog.
The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog...this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner,
"If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house!"

The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing Ragtime, Mozart, Thelonious Monk...
and the bartender and patrons are loving it. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a dentist."
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Old 08-06-2010, 05:32 PM   #2382
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I know I'm a day late but I'll forget it before next Thursday!


The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini- skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".

The moral of the story...... Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Special item on the menu
Old 08-10-2010, 06:52 AM   #2383
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Special item on the menu

An old time golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

* Cold Beer: $2.00

* Hamburger: $2.25

* Cheeseburger: $2.50

* Chicken Sandwich : $3.50

* Hand Job: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

"She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well, wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger."
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Pick-up line
Old 08-10-2010, 06:53 AM   #2384
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Pick-up line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'
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Old 08-10-2010, 07:18 AM   #2385
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That's one of the best lawyer jokes out there, which reminds of this one.


Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of
a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they
swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of
our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we
just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the
sh*t inside!"
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Old 08-12-2010, 03:47 PM   #2386
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What is a Real Man


A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.


He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.


He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.


He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.


He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

,
.
.
.
.


No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.


Its wine that does all that.......

Never mind.
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Old 08-12-2010, 04:56 PM   #2387
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So who is changing CFB's Avatar at the start of this thread?
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"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:03 PM   #2388
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RonBoyd View Post
So who is changing CFB's Avatar at the start of this thread?
The Easter Bunny?
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Old 08-13-2010, 04:25 AM   #2389
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RonBoyd View Post
So who is changing CFB's Avatar at the start of this thread?
The ghost of bunnies past?
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Old 08-13-2010, 05:22 PM   #2390
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Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.


He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"


The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"


Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"


The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?


Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."


"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.


Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his Vice President the same question.


"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"


"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.


Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"


Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"


Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"


Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
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Old 08-15-2010, 01:56 PM   #2391
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Give me a forum ...
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Ah the joys of home improvement projects! Bad language herein. a bit of reality too.
MADATOMS - THE REALITIES OF HOME IMPROVEMENT by Matt Houghton - Artist: Sean Metcalf

Expurgated sample:
In Theory: Reading helpful books and following straightforward instructions.

In Reality: Getting even more frustrated that that time you put together a desk made by those "!!~** Swedish %#** ##** overcomplicated !!*#" from Ikea."
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Old 08-16-2010, 11:30 AM   #2392
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Bubba is driving down a back road in Alabama ..
A sign in front
of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself,"Them's my three favorites!
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Old 08-16-2010, 12:30 PM   #2393
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You might be a redneck if:

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an I.D. And you said, 'Bout What?'

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.

You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You think the stock market has fence around it.

You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
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Old 08-19-2010, 12:32 AM   #2394
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Tivia

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the Church association dinner last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.




.
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Old 08-19-2010, 10:58 PM   #2395
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I am posting the following here because I know of no other more suitable thread.

The following was the word of wisdom I found in a fortune cookie after a meal at a Chinese restaurant. It read verbatim,

"First they ignore you, then they attack you, then you win." - Anon.
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Old 08-20-2010, 06:28 AM   #2396
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The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs


Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.
The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
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Old 08-20-2010, 08:41 AM   #2397
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NW-Bound View Post
The following was the word of wisdom I found in a fortune cookie after a meal at a Chinese restaurant. It read verbatim,

"First they ignore you, then they attack you, then you win." - Anon.
I've seen that attributed to Gandhi, with "then they laugh at you" inserted after the "ignore" bit.
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Old 08-20-2010, 10:14 AM   #2398
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Thanks for the tip. I was too busy scratching my head at these words, and did not think of "googling" it on the Web. Just did so, and found out that it was indeed a twist from what Gandhi whom I admire had said in a speech.
And, my friends, in this story you have a history of this entire movement. First they ignore you. Then they ridicule you. And then they attack you and want to burn you. And then they build monuments to you. And that, is what is going to happen to the Amalgamated Clothing Workers of America. - Mahatma Gandhi
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Old 08-21-2010, 01:35 AM   #2399
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Originally Posted by RonBoyd View Post
So who is changing CFB's Avatar at the start of this thread?
And why doesn't his stats page show his last activity date and time like everyone else?
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Old 08-21-2010, 07:06 AM   #2400
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Quote:
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And why doesn't his stats page show his last activity date and time like everyone else?
Because he checked "Use Invisible Mode" under Edit Options in his User CP.
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