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Old 10-23-2010, 12:04 AM   #2441
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I don't understand. Can you explain it to me?
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Old 10-23-2010, 12:58 AM   #2442
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I fail to see the humor of that bumper sticker. It's quite poor taste to brag about one's expertise/understanding in a subject that has little or no effect in everyday life. I also wonder how many of those sticker's owners really understand the physics phenomenon associated with that message.
Some of us had to learn that stuff in order to pass the exams and get our diplomas, so we don't see the harm in sharing an insider joke with a fellow geek. IMO it's no worse than the bumper stickers flaunting Latin or some other foreign language (especially if I don't speak it) or "John 3:16" or "23rd Psalm" or "WWJD"...

When I see a bumper sticker like that, I get curious and Google the sticker or the association to figure out what it's about.

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I don't understand. Can you explain it to me?
Blue shift - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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Old 10-23-2010, 01:16 AM   #2443
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IMO it's no worse than the bumper stickers flaunting Latin or some other foreign language (especially if I don't speak it) or "John 3:16" or "23rd Psalm" or "WWJD"...
Please Nords, don't get me started on those.
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Old 10-23-2010, 07:26 AM   #2444
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Wow, no intention of starting a controversy. I just saw the picture and it made me laugh, so I thought I would post it. I don't understand half the stuff I read here, so I either have to look it up and learn something new or just watch it fly by.
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My brother's wife has lost her credit card
Old 10-24-2010, 11:47 AM   #2445
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My brother's wife has lost her credit card

I got an e-mail from my brother today. He said that his wife lost her credit card 6 months ago but he hasn't reported it yet because the thief is spending less than she did.
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Old 10-25-2010, 02:45 AM   #2446
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Can the thief use an additional card?
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How pumpkin pie is made
Old 10-25-2010, 02:42 PM   #2447
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How pumpkin pie is made

How pumpkin pie is made


scroll down


.

.

.
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File Type: jpg Pumpkin Pie.jpg (152.3 KB, 26 views)
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Old 10-25-2010, 04:10 PM   #2448
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Michael, that is disgusting!! but very funny.
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Old 10-25-2010, 04:38 PM   #2449
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Michael, that is disgusting!! but very funny.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry - and then again, I'm not. (insert image for shrug)
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Old 10-26-2010, 10:00 AM   #2450
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After the news that that Goldman Sachs was planning on a new campaign to brighten up their image, The Big Picture asked for recommendations. Here is the list of winning entries and finalists

Some offensive language below...

Top 10 Ideas for Goldman Sachs New Ad Campaign

10. Under Buffetts protection since 2008
9. Putting the zero in zero-sum game.
8. Government Bailout: $29 billion
SEC Settlement: $550 million
Doing Gods work? Priceless.
7. Helping you forget about Bernie Madoff one CDO at a time
6. Goldman Sachs: Americas Counterparty
5. Let us do for you what we did for Greece.
4. Like we give a **** what you think about us . . .
3. Goldman Sachs: There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, theres JPMorgan.
2. The Rothschilds were Pussies

And the number 1 advertising slogan for the new Goldman Sachs ad campaign:

1. We put the douche in fiduciary


5 Runners up

Doing Gods work, since 1869.

To Serve Man
(I really wrestled with this one from the Twilight Zone but I feared it might be too obscure )

The meek shall inherit the earth and we'll finance it.

Lobbying to bring Don't Ask, Don't Tell to a whole new level.

Goldman Sachs. No, we won't call you afterwards.

Honorable Mentions

We get the gold, you get the sack.

Goldman Rapes, Pillages & Sachs

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer

Leverage: Its whats for dinner.

Claim everything, Explain nothing, Deny everything.

Adapt and Exploit

Vote for anybody you want, they all work for us.

What happens on Wall Street, stays on Wall Street.

Dude! You're getting a deal!

Between greed and madness lies Goldman.

Got Greed?

Behind every great fortune lies a great crime. Behind that crime lies Goldman Sachs.

Were rich as hell and were not going to take this anymore!

We make money for you, or against you, or sometimes both.

Goldman Sachs keeps going and going and going.

Its not personal, Sonny. Its strictly business.

Vampire Squids rule!

Greed Sanctioned.

Were not crooks, were profit optimizers.
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Old 11-01-2010, 04:00 PM   #2451
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Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light..
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy.. . You explain the kids.'
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Old 11-04-2010, 10:07 AM   #2452
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Here's the Lindsay Lohan version of "If I Only Had a Brain:"

If I Only had a Brain (the Linsay Lohan version)


Now I while away the hours, takin' long cold showers, to ease away the pain
This might not have arisen , and I wouldn't be in prison, if I only had a brain

Oh I should have used a chauffeur, or sent a well-paid gofer, after that cocaine
My heart was really sturin', when they asked me for some urine, if I only had a brain

Chorus-
Now I just sit and cry,
This cell has such a drab décor
I'm locked inside the same cell as before
I just can't wait to snort some more

If I'd understood my sentence, or even show repentance and not done it again
My life would be so merry, I would stick to Port and Sherry if I only had a brain.

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Cell phone users
Old 11-06-2010, 03:41 PM   #2453
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Cell phone users

How cell phone users see themselves vs how others see them
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Old 11-06-2010, 08:06 PM   #2454
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TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Goliad Texas , I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s John Deere tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again about twenty minutes later.. " President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harolds's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Well, crap," said Archie, "l'll have at call you back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama !

I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners.."
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Old 11-06-2010, 08:46 PM   #2455
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How cell phone users see themselves vs how others see them
Now they need to add a row for the "no-cell-phone user"... for me to take to Radio Shack and point at.
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Old 11-06-2010, 10:46 PM   #2456
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Old 11-07-2010, 04:40 AM   #2457
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A day laborer (dl) goes to dentist to have a loose tooth pulled.
dl: I don't have insurance, how much will it cost me?
dentist: It's a simple, 10 minute job. It will only cost you $100.
dl: What? I do hard labor 10 hours a day and I don't even make that much. Charging a poor person $100 for a 10 minute job, how do you sleep at night?
dentist: You are right. For you, I will take my time and do it slowly in 30 minutes.
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Where does this dog come from?
Old 11-10-2010, 10:13 AM   #2458
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Where does this dog come from?

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
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Two of the year's best comeback lines
Old 11-11-2010, 10:23 AM   #2459
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Two of the year's best comeback lines

Number 1:

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence lawyer during a criminal trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.

Q: 'Officer,did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do.'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line and we think he'll win.

Number 2:

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. OUR job is to arrange the meeting."
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Wax treatment
Old 11-11-2010, 10:16 PM   #2460
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Wax treatment

My wife makes cheese, and last weekend, while watching her waxing her latest creation before putting it storage to age, I remembered an old joke. Apologies to all that have heard it before.

A man sees that a new health and beauty spa in his town is attracting new customers with a special offer giving, for a single low introductory price, a hair cut, facial treatment, full body massage, and wax treatment.

He makes an appointment and turns up on the assigned day. He has his haircut, facial and massage. The masseuse thanks him for his business and directs him to the exit. "But what about my wax treatment he asks?". "Oh yes, do you really want the wax treatment?", asks the masseuse. "Of course I do", replies the man, who is now standing by the massage table. "Very well, drop your robe to the ground". She then reaches out and takes hold of his "tackle", places it on the table, then in one fluid movement grabs a mallet and slams down onto his favorite organ.
Once the screaming dies down, she says, "There you go, you won't find any wax in your ears now".
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