Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Pierre's wedding night
Old 11-12-2010, 05:30 PM   #2461
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,075
Pierre's wedding night

Pierre, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Pierre should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert him-self if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Pierre, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Pierre takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Pierre, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Some what surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done Pierre kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Pierre is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Pierre gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Pierre.' Pierre, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS... . . . .Have I posted this already?
__________________

__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is online now   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 11-12-2010, 09:51 PM   #2462
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,434
...
Attached Images
File Type: jpg shuck me.jpg (7.8 KB, 402 views)
__________________

__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-13-2010, 03:09 PM   #2463
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,064
That was corny.
__________________
Al
TromboneAl is offline   Reply With Quote
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
Old 11-17-2010, 05:52 AM   #2464
Full time employment: Posting here.
bruce1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Hagersville
Posts: 793
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

Almost posted this in This Weather is Awful but decided on here.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start
· Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.
· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
__________________
I wish I was half as good as my dog thinks I am!
bruce1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2010, 06:28 AM   #2465
Recycles dryer sheets
keegs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: In a van down by the river
Posts: 407
Learn from your Elders

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight..
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
__________________
keegs is offline   Reply With Quote
Puns for the educated
Old 11-17-2010, 01:48 PM   #2466
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,075
Puns for the educated

Having read through the thread on how the Tea Party has influenced Dancing with the Stars, I was hesitant to post these high quality puns. However, I think there may be some on the board that can appreciate them.

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ....and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo (witch) who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

11. An Indian chief nicknamed "Shortcake" died, but his tribe refused government aid for the funeral. "No" said a tribal spokesperson, "Squaw bury Shortcake!"
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2010, 03:04 PM   #2467
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North of Montana
Posts: 2,752
Terrorist Alerts!

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
__________________
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate conclusions from insufficient data and ..
kumquat is offline   Reply With Quote
Points of view
Old 11-17-2010, 04:40 PM   #2468
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: On the road again
Posts: 21,552
Points of view

Two women talking:

How was everything yesterday?

Terrible. My husband came home, sat down at the table and wolfed down his dinner in just a couple of minutes. We went to bed, had sex for like two minutes, then he fell asleep. Not even a thank you or goodnight. How about you?

It was like never before. My husband came home from work and immediately took me out to dinner. We then went for a long walk under the stars. We got home and lit some candles, made love for more than an hour and then talked for another hour. If only every night could be so wonderful.

The same night as remembered by the husbands:

How was your night?

Fantastic. When I got home from work dinner was on the table. I ate and we went straight to bed, had sex, and then I got a good night’s sleep. I feel great! How ‘bout you?

Lousy. The worst night ever. I got home after a terrible day at work and there was no electricity so we had to go out for dinner. The food was crappy and so expensive I didn’t have enough money to pay for a cab and we had to walk home. We got back and the electricity was still off so we had to light candles to see anything. We went to bed and my wife wanted to have sex but I was so stressed from work it took me an hour just to get aroused, and afterwards I still couldn’t sleep and spent half the night listening to my wife yapping about something – but I can’t remember what. Man do I hope I never have another night like that.

So it all depends on the point of view of the person telling the story...
__________________
MichaelB is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2010, 05:29 PM   #2469
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: France
Posts: 1,169
The list of puns reminded me of a quote by the excellent English comic (etc) Stephen Fry:

"My buttock masseur, an excellent fellow, he leaves no stern untoned".
__________________
Age 55, retired July 1, 2012; DW is 59 and working for 4 more years. Current portfolio is 1950K split 50 stocks/20 bonds/30 cash. Renting house, no debts.
BigNick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2010, 06:51 PM   #2470
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,075
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigNick View Post
The list of puns reminded me of a quote by the excellent English comic (etc) Stephen Fry:

"My buttock masseur, an excellent fellow, he leaves no stern untoned".


I also think Stephen Fry is great.
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-17-2010, 08:26 PM   #2471
Recycles dryer sheets
keegs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: In a van down by the river
Posts: 407
Tails of Manhattan

by Woody Allen March 30, 2009


The New Yorker

Two weeks ago, Abe Moscowitz dropped dead of a heart attack and was reincarnated as a lobster. Trapped off the coast of Maine, he was shipped to Manhattan and dumped into a tank at a posh Upper East Side seafood restaurant. In the tank there were several other lobsters, one of whom recognized him. “Abe, is that you?” the creature asked, his antennae perking up.

“Who’s that? Who’s talking to me?” Moscowitz said, still dazed by the mystical slam-bang postmortem that had transmogrified him into a crustacean.
“It’s me, Moe Silverman,” the other lobster said.
“O.M.G.!” Moscowitz piped, recognizing the voice of an old gin-rummy colleague. “What’s going on?”
“We’re reborn,” Moe explained. “As a couple of two-pounders.”
“Lobsters? This is how I wind up after leading a just life? In a tank on Third Avenue?”
“The Lord works in strange ways,” Moe Silverman explained. “Take Phil Pinchuck. The man keeled over with an aneurysm, he’s now a hamster. All day, running at the stupid wheel. For years he was a Yale professor. My point is he’s gotten to like the wheel. He pedals and pedals, running nowhere, but he smiles.”
Moscowitz did not like his new condition at all. Why should a decent citizen like himself, a dentist, a mensch who deserved to relive life as a soaring eagle or ensconced in the lap of some sexy socialite getting his fur stroked, come back ignominiously as an entrée on a menu? It was his cruel fate to be delicious, to turn up as Today’s Special, along with a baked potato and dessert. This led to a discussion by the two lobsters of the mysteries of existence, of religion, and how capricious the universe was, when someone like Sol Drazin, a schlemiel they knew from the catering business, came back after a fatal stroke as a stud horse impregnating cute little thoroughbred fillies for high fees. Feeling sorry for himself and angry, Moscowitz swam about, unable to buy into Silverman’s Buddha-like resignation over the prospect of being served thermidor.
At that moment, who walked into the restaurant and sits down at a nearby table but Bernie Madoff. If Moscowitz had been bitter and agitated before, now he gasped as his tail started churning the water like an Evinrude.
“I don’t believe this,” he said, pressing his little black peepers to the glass walls. “That goniff who should be doing time, chopping rocks, making license plates, somehow slipped out of his apartment confinement and he’s treating himself to a shore dinner.”
“Clock the ice on his immortal beloved,” Moe observed, scanning Mrs. M.’s rings and bracelets.
Moscowitz fought back his acid reflux, a condition that had followed him from his former life. “He’s the reason I’m here,” he said, riled to a fever pitch.
“Tell me about it,” Moe Silverman said. “I played golf with the man in Florida, which incidentally he’ll move the ball with his foot if you’re not watching.”

“Each month I got a statement from him,” Moscowitz ranted. “I knew such numbers looked too good to be kosher, and when I joked to him how it sounded like a Ponzi scheme he choked on his kugel. I had to do the Heimlich maneuver. Finally, after all that high living, it comes out he was a fraud and my net worth was bupkes. P.S., I had a myocardial infarction that registered at the oceanography lab in Tokyo.”
“With me he played it coy,” Silverman said, instinctively frisking his carapace for a Xanax. “He told me at first he had no room for another investor. The more he put me off, the more I wanted in. I had him to dinner, and because he liked Rosalee’s blintzes he promised me the next opening would be mine. The day I found out he could handle my account I was so thrilled I cut my wife’s head out of our wedding photo and put his in. When I learned I was broke, I committed suicide by jumping off the roof of our golf club in Palm Beach. I had to wait half an hour to jump, I was twelfth in line.”
At this moment, the captain escorted Madoff to the lobster tank, where the unctuous sharpie analyzed the assorted saltwater candidates for potential succulence and pointed to Moscowitz and Silverman. An obliging smile played on the captain’s face as he summoned a waiter to extract the pair from the tank.
“This is the last straw!” Moscowitz cried, bracing himself for the consummate outrage. “To swindle me out of my life’s savings and then to nosh me in butter sauce! What kind of universe is this?”
Moscowitz and Silverman, their ire reaching cosmic dimensions, rocked the tank to and fro until it toppled off its table, smashing its glass walls and flooding the hexagonal-tile floor. Heads turned as the alarmed captain looked on in stunned disbelief. Bent on vengeance, the two lobsters scuttled swiftly after Madoff. They reached his table in an instant, and Silverman went for his ankle. Moscowitz, summoning the strength of a madman, leaped from the floor and with one giant pincer took firm hold of Madoff’s nose. Screaming with pain, the gray-haired con artist hopped from the chair as Silverman strangled his instep with both claws. Patrons could not believe their eyes as they recognized Madoff, and began to cheer the lobsters.
“This is for the widows and charities!” yelled Moscowitz. “Thanks to you, Hatikvah Hospital is now a skating rink!”

Madoff, unable to free himself from the two Atlantic denizens, bolted from the restaurant and fled yelping into traffic. When Moscowitz tightened his viselike grip on his septum and Silverman tore through his shoe, they persuaded the oily scammer to plead guilty and apologize for his monumental hustle.

By the end of the day, Madoff was in Lenox Hill Hospital, awash in welts and abrasions. The two renegade main courses, their rage slaked, had just enough strength left to flop away into the cold, deep waters of Sheepshead Bay, where, if I’m not mistaken, Moscowitz lives to this day with Yetta Belkin, whom he recognized from shopping at Fairway. In life she had always resembled a flounder, and after her fatal plane crash she came back as one. ♦





__________________
keegs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-18-2010, 05:39 PM   #2472
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,917
Things you can only say on Thanksgiving:

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

03. It's Cool Whip time!

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

05. That's one terrific spread!

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

07. Are you ready for seconds yet?

08. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2010, 07:04 AM   #2473
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 263
Time to put your dancing shoes on and head down to the Cantina!
Dancing Merengue Dog from That Happened!
__________________
zedd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2010, 11:26 AM   #2474
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 14,393
Spotted on kitchen counter of a relative:
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Ashes.jpg (68.6 KB, 5 views)
__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Seniors Breakfast Special
Old 11-19-2010, 12:51 PM   #2475
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,075
Seniors Breakfast Special

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be......

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2010, 03:04 PM   #2476
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 10,996
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
.''Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
"Eggsellent!" This one harkens back to one of my favorite threads, T-Al's Veggie Sub Experience.
__________________
"Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite." - R. Heinlein
samclem is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2010, 04:46 PM   #2477
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,075
Quote:
Originally Posted by samclem View Post
"Eggsellent!" This one harkens back to one of my favorite threads, T-Al's Veggie Sub Experience.
great memory, I'd not remembered that thread.
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2010, 07:13 PM   #2478
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,064
Quote:
Originally Posted by samclem View Post
"Eggsellent!" This one harkens back to one of my favorite threads, T-Al's Veggie Sub Experience.
I thought of that too.
__________________
Al
TromboneAl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2010, 07:37 PM   #2479
Recycles dryer sheets
keegs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: In a van down by the river
Posts: 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by zedd View Post
Time to put your dancing shoes on and head down to the Cantina!
Dancing Merengue Dog from That Happened!
This one's a keeper zedd.
__________________
keegs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-22-2010, 05:33 PM   #2480
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: On the road again
Posts: 21,552
The newlywed couple settle in the honeymoon suite. They open a bottle of champagne, take a sip, embrace and kiss passionately. She pushes him away, smiles coyly, and reaches for her sheer, wedding-night nighty.

She led a sheltered life and they enjoyed no premarital intimacy. Slightly embarrassed, she steps into the bathroom to change – and locks the door. He waits patiently, knowing it’s only a few more minutes after so many years of waiting. He pours himself a glass of champagne and lets his imagination run free.

After a quarter hour has passed she is still changing, when she hears a gentle “tap tap tap’ on the door. She answers – “yes, my dear?” He responds – “my darling, I just wanted to make sure you were all right”. She answers “my sweet, I will join you shortly”.

He pours himself another glass of champagne and another quarter hour passes. He is now becoming quite anxious. Now she hears a strong “knock knock knock” on the bathroom door. “Yes, my love?” She says. With a deep voice he says “I love you so and am anxious to consummate our marriage”. She sighs, then responds “I'm almost ready”.

He finishes the champagne as another half hour flies by. He stands, wobbly, and staggers toward the bathroom door. Inside, she hears “thump, thump, thump”. She jumps, a bit frightened, and says “yes, my everlasting love, what do you want?”. Quite throatily he responds, “I’m need you right now and can’t wait to get to bed. Why are you still in the bathroom after more than an hour?”

With a weak and fluttering voice she responds “my dear, it’s just that I’m nervous”

He snorts. “Nervous? If you think you’re nervous now, just wait ‘till you see what I’m knocking on the door with...”
__________________

__________________
MichaelB is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:15 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.