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Old 12-08-2010, 11:58 AM   #2501
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Originally Posted by vicente solano View Post
Just trying to se if I can do this stuff via my cell phone.I know I know:Big deal
That's a very attractive house and patio. I'll be some sangria gets consumed there in the summertime.
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:20 AM   #2502
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After Mrs. O'Toole's barn burned down, she called her insurance agent to file a claim.
She told the insurance man, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand bucks, and we need that money immediately!"
"Just a minute there, Mrs. O'Toole," the agent replied. "Insurance doesn't work quite like that."
"What do you mean?!" she asked. "The policy here says $50,000!"
"That's a maximum," the insurance man explained. "What we do is ascertain the value of what was insured, and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
After a long pause, she replied "That's how insurance works?!"
"Absolutely," the agent said.

"Well then," she said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband immediately!"
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Old 12-10-2010, 03:53 PM   #2503
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Overheard recently
***************


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'Liverpool '

And they say blondes are dumb….

-------------------------------------------------------

A couple are lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

-----------------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.
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Old 12-12-2010, 02:01 PM   #2504
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
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Alternative State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Think So.

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!
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Old 12-14-2010, 08:29 AM   #2505
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A depressed President Obama was walking along the beach in sunny Hawaii, bemoaning that so many people thought he was a foreigner for being born there. Suddenly he stumbled on a rusty lamp in the sand. He rubbed the sand off and a genie appeared. Amazed, Obama thought of all his problems and wondered if this could be one of those 3-wish genies. He asked.

"Nope. Due to the national debt, constant downsizing and unemployment, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be Prez?"

Obama rubbed his finger along his nose in his usual thoughtful way, trying to decide on a wish that would help him solve some other problems as well. Finally he said, "I want peace in the Middle East." He drew a map of the area in the sand so the genie would make no mistake.

The genie exclaimed, "Gadzooks, Barry! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but I'm not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Again Obama pondered thoughtfully. "Well, I've been trying to find a few considerate, fair Republicans willing to cooperate with Democrats to solve the nation's great problems. They should have a good sense of humor and like to play basketball and hope I do a good job as President and quit insinuating that I'm a Muslim, a Socialist and a racist. That's what I wish for, Mr. Genie-- a few good Republicans to help me tackle our problems."

The genie let out a long, exasperated sigh and asked meekly, "Uh, can you draw that same map again?"
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Old 12-14-2010, 09:14 AM   #2506
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Go to Google Maps. Click on "Get Directions". Then type Taiwan as the starting point and China as the destination. Scroll down and read step 23 of the itinerary.
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Old 12-14-2010, 12:42 PM   #2507
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Originally Posted by David1961 View Post
Scroll down and read step 23 of the itinerary.
I don't get it. Why is that funny?
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Old 12-14-2010, 12:51 PM   #2508
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam View Post
I don't get it. Why is that funny?
Yeah. I would be pretty bummed if I was told to swim the Pacific Ocean when asking directions to get somewhere. Oh! If you were told to... well that's different.
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Old 12-14-2010, 01:07 PM   #2509
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I don't get it. Why is that funny?
I guess it just depends on your sense of humor. I found it funny because I'd not expect to see directions call for swimming across an ocean.
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Old 12-14-2010, 01:19 PM   #2510
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David1961
I guess it just depends on your sense of humor. I found it funny because I'd not expect to see directions call for swimming across an ocean.
Don't expect Sam to find it funny. He is just the strait man.
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Old 12-14-2010, 01:40 PM   #2511
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I thought it was very funny.
But I would have liked them to include a link to a tide table, just for efficiency.
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Old 12-14-2010, 02:04 PM   #2512
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("Strait man"--good one, Scrinch!!!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by David1961 View Post
I guess it just depends on your sense of humor. I found it funny because I'd not expect to see directions call for swimming across an ocean.
Also funny is that Google maps used to include the same step between the US and Europe, but now you can't get any directions, just a comment: "We could not calculate directions between chicago, il and munich, germany."

Someone must have complained that it wasn't funny. Was that you, Sam?
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Old 12-14-2010, 02:51 PM   #2513
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David1961 View Post
I guess it just depends on your sense of humor. I found it funny because I'd not expect to see directions call for swimming across an ocean.
We used to have to do that here before the Long Beach Tunnel opened up...
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Another Blonde Joke
Old 12-14-2010, 04:59 PM   #2514
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Another Blonde Joke

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on
the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars
and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about > this man?"

The blonde immediately said,
"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice
anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said,"This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew
it, saying,"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or
Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder.He looked up at the blonde
with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the
world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With
only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
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Old 12-14-2010, 05:05 PM   #2515
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Originally Posted by scrinch View Post
Don't expect Sam to find it funny. He is just the strait man.
I thought it would be funny if Google maps responds with a "Are you nut?" "Say what?" or something similar. That'd be my response if someone asks me the DRIVING direction from Houston to Moon or to Mars. Or from Australia to New Zealand. But may be I'm in the minority here. Sorry for asking.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
("Strait man"--good one, Scrinch!!!)

Also funny is that Google maps used to include the same step between the US and Europe, but now you can't get any directions, just a comment: "We could not calculate directions between chicago, il and munich, germany."

Someone must have complained that it wasn't funny. Was that you, Sam?
No, that wasn't me. I saw that answer before and it made sense to me.
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Old 12-14-2010, 07:13 PM   #2516
Full time employment: Posting here.
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"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
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Old 12-14-2010, 08:34 PM   #2517
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Local Craigslist ad:

Veloteq Electric Bicycle - Challenger RSV--Blue -- Looks new -- driven less than 5 miles -- Can be driven on highway -- Max speed 20 MPH -- Electric charge for less than 25 cents -- Cost $2000 -- Sell for $1595.

Electric bikes - for Christmas
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Old 12-15-2010, 11:52 AM   #2518
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This is actually no joke. A guy found this fellow cuddled up in his Christmas wreath in Slidell, LA. No wonder Unclemick got the hell out of there.
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Kindergarten class
Old 12-15-2010, 05:17 PM   #2519
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Kindergarten class

The kindergarten teacher was preparing to teach about colors and tastes so she passed around some hard candy.

First some jolly ranchers. As the children tasted each one, they called out the color, then the taste

red ... cherry !

yellow ... lemon !

green ... lime !

orange ... orange!


Then she passed out a honey flavored lifesaver. The kids all put one in their mouth, but none knew the name of the taste. After a few minutes, the teacher said “I’ll give you a hint. It’s what your mommies sometimes call your daddies”

One little girl took the lifesaver out of her mouth, looked at it in horror, then threw it on the floor and yelled “Oh my God ... they’re assholes!”.
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Old 12-15-2010, 07:20 PM   #2520
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TEXTING ABBREVIATIONS FOR THE ELDERLY:
  • FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
  • BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
  • ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
  • DWI: Driving While Incontinent
  • LOL: Living On Lipitor
  • OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
  • IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
  • WTF: Wet The Furniture
  • IMHMO: In My HMO…
  • RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
  • BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
  • GTG: Gotta Groan
  • TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’Clock Early Bird Special)
  • FWB: Friend With Betablockers
  • FYI: For Your Indigestion…
  • JK: Just Kvetching
  • TTYL: Talk To You Louder
  • MILF: Meal I’d Like To Forget
  • LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
  • LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
  • MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
  • SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
  • WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
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