Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 12-16-2010, 06:45 AM   #2521
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: On the road again
Posts: 21,552
Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeyd View Post
TEXTING ABBREVIATIONS FOR THE ELDERLY:
  • FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
  • BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
  • ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
  • DWI: Driving While Incontinent
  • LOL: Living On Lipitor
  • OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
  • IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
  • WTF: Wet The Furniture
  • IMHMO: In My HMO…
  • RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
  • BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
  • GTG: Gotta Groan
  • TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’Clock Early Bird Special)
  • FWB: Friend With Betablockers
  • FYI: For Your Indigestion…
  • JK: Just Kvetching
  • TTYL: Talk To You Louder
  • MILF: Meal I’d Like To Forget
  • LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
  • LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
  • MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
  • SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
  • WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
For most of my life I would have thought these were lame. Now they're not just witty, I can identify with many. Ouch...
__________________

__________________
MichaelB is online now   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 12-16-2010, 07:27 AM   #2522
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 739
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation...
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
__________________

__________________
Zero is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-19-2010, 07:42 PM   #2523
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,487
for the past several months i have found the humor here to be a bit, shall we say, missing. BUT, the contributions over the last couple of days has been great. laughed so hard it still hurts.
__________________
d is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-20-2010, 11:48 AM   #2524
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
vicente solano's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,116
Quote:
Originally Posted by d View Post
for the past several months i have found the humor here to be a bit, shall we say, missing. BUT, the contributions over the last couple of days has been great. laughed so hard it still hurts.
The last couple of days? Then it must be due to this thing of ¨tis the season to be jolly....
__________________
I get by with a little help from my friends....ta ta ta ta ta...
vicente solano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 07:47 AM   #2525
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
David1961's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,014
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"
__________________
David1961 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 06:04 PM   #2526
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,697
Two men were walking home from work one day, and the first man said,
"I sure can't wait to get home and rip my wife's panties off!"
The 2nd man said, "Really? What's the rush?"
The first man replied, "Because the elastic in the legs is killing me!"
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 06:06 PM   #2527
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,697
Quote:
hard it still hurts
Yea that happens to me occasionally also.
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2010, 06:42 PM   #2528
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 16,564
An 90-year old man walked into a pharmacy to have his prescription filled.

As the pharmacist handed him the bottle of Viagra, our old man asked, "Son, could you do me a favor and cut each pill into 4 pieces?"

The astonished pharmacist replied, "Sir, I would be glad to oblige, but if you take a reduced dosage like that, it is not going to work!".

Our elderly gentleman said, "Son, I know what I am doing".

"It is not for what you think".

"At my age, all I want is to be long enough so I do not pee on my shoes".
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leo Tolstoy
NW-Bound is online now   Reply With Quote
Not for the Christmas Table
Old 12-22-2010, 01:24 PM   #2529
Recycles dryer sheets
Elderdude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Sacramento, Calif
Posts: 210
Not for the Christmas Table

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve the pressure a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let out a much louder and longer “Rrrrrip!”

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to release again and let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a out fart that rivaled a 747 taking off.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled "Skippy, get away from her before she sh:!s on you!"
__________________
Elderdude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2010, 12:30 PM   #2530
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,697
The New American Romance Novel



He held me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room. I had never been there but I knew this was his room. I knew what he was going to do to me, and I knew I was going to let him. The door closed quietly and we were alone.



He approached silently from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."



Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and caressing upward along my tender calves slowly and steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.



When his hands moved under my skirt to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. His knowing fingers continued upward across my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, his teasing hands quickly moved to my shoulders and slid down my tingling spine.

By entire body was throbbing when he discovered my pink, lace thong.Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. "This is a man," I thought. A man used to taking charge.

A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

"Okay all done. Here's your purse, ma'am. Have a nice flight."
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
A PETA favourite
Old 12-24-2010, 02:38 PM   #2531
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North of Montana
Posts: 2,752
A PETA favourite

Baby seal walks into a bar...

Bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"

Baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"
__________________
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate conclusions from insufficient data and ..
kumquat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2010, 02:58 PM   #2532
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,434
Quote:
Originally Posted by kumquat View Post
Baby seal walks into a bar...

Bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"

Baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"
Before any of you fine folks from the Great White North get your panties in an uproar, please note from whence the above originated.
__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2010, 03:09 PM   #2533
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
HFWR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lawn chair in Texas
Posts: 12,592
Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeyd View Post
Two men were walking home from work one day, and the first man said,
"I sure can't wait to get home and rip my wife's panties off!"
The 2nd man said, "Really? What's the rush?"
The first man replied, "Because the elastic in the legs is killing me!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by kumquat View Post
Baby seal walks into a bar...

Bartender asks, "What'll ya have?"

Baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club"
Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
Before any of you fine folks from the Great White North get your panties in an uproar, please note mickeyd's post above...
Fixed!
__________________
Have Funds, Will Retire

...not doing anything of true substance...
HFWR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2010, 03:24 PM   #2534
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 9,782
The 12 days of Christmas, Irish style
OR How to Make Enemies of your Best Friends:


__________________
Meadbh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2010, 08:40 AM   #2535
Moderator
MichaelB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: On the road again
Posts: 21,552
I've just heard from a friend in the north of England.

He says it has been snowing heavily for three days now.

His wife has done nothing but stare through the window.

If it doesn't stop soon he'll probably have to let her in.
__________________
MichaelB is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2010, 09:54 AM   #2536
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,075
Banks are offering a free pencil sharpener in gratitude for the huge profits they got out of us last year. It's designed to remind us of the friendly and even intimate relationship the banks have built up with the public.

Just call into any branch. There's a small collection fee of $54.70 (to cover admin and international market fluctuations) plus a hand delivery charge of $47.35. What great value!!!!
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Bank pencil Sharpener.jpg (30.6 KB, 13 views)
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is online now   Reply With Quote
the best financial jokes of 2010
Old 12-27-2010, 10:14 AM   #2537
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: North of Montana
Posts: 2,752
the best financial jokes of 2010

The best financial jokes of 2010 | Trading Desk | Financial Post
__________________
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate conclusions from insufficient data and ..
kumquat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 02:55 PM   #2538
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,697
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 03:12 PM   #2539
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,064
Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeyd View Post
I don't get it.
__________________
Al
TromboneAl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-31-2010, 03:40 PM   #2540
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
RonBoyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 5,150
Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
I don't get it.
Its a little red x inside a box inside a box.
__________________

__________________
"It's tough to make predictions, especially when it involves the future." ~Attributed to many
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." ~(perhaps by) Yogi Berra
"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge."~ Lau tzu
RonBoyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:13 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.