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Old 01-24-2011, 10:35 AM   #2561
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From Snopes - proof that some lawyers are funny.
snopes.com: Letter Exchange Between Law Firm and Cleveland Browns
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Old 01-24-2011, 10:50 AM   #2562
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calmloki View Post
From Snopes - proof that some lawyers are funny.
snopes.com: Letter Exchange Between Law Firm and Cleveland Browns
I bet it was even funnier that they got paid $250/hour to hurl threats & epithets at each other...
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Old 01-24-2011, 11:48 AM   #2563
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I bet it was even funnier that they got paid $250/hour to hurl threats & epithets at each other...
1n 1974, attorneys costs were around $40/hr. (I know, 'cause I paid for a couple of hours in 1974, when I was only making $3.50/hr myself...
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Old 01-24-2011, 11:59 AM   #2564
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Originally Posted by calmloki View Post
From Snopes - proof that some lawyers are funny.
snopes.com: Letter Exchange Between Law Firm and Cleveland Browns
I hadn't seen that one before--very funny! Nice comments from the two lawyers looking back on it, too. The Mickey Mantle incident that the Snopes page links to is also very funny and also true.
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Old 01-28-2011, 06:05 PM   #2565
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SENIOR SENSE

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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Old 01-28-2011, 06:58 PM   #2566
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As he was sitting on the edge of the bed watching his wife, she was examining herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked, "What would you like for your birthday?"

Still looking in the mirror she replied, "I'd like to be six again."

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to an amusement park.

What a day! He put her on every ride there was: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything.

Hours later they staggered out of the park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie (rated "G", of course), with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

Finally they wobbled home and she collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my DRESS SIZE, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
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Old 01-29-2011, 10:01 PM   #2567
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So, the geezer told in this story shuffled home for dinner.

At the dinner table, he and his wife of more than 60 years sat across the dining table, and started to eat silently as they normally did. Today, his wife had something different in mind. She said
"Honey, don't you remember how we ate when we were younger? How we sat eating dinner in the buff, and with candle light? How we then continued the romantic night by the fireplace with glasses of wine, and later made passionately love? What do you say if we try again to relive those old days, starting with how we had dinner?"
Our geezer sighed silently, but being an indulging gentleman he always was, agreed to it. Soon, they again resumed having dinner, but in the buff.

Our man asked his wife
"How are you doing? Does it really make you feel more amorous?"
The wife said excitedly
"Yes, honey. It's working! I already start to feel warm all over."
Our man looked up at his wife, then lowered his eyes back to his plate, and said softly
"My dear, you are in the soup."
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Old 01-30-2011, 09:07 AM   #2568
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MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...... it will be their laugh for the day!!!
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Old 01-30-2011, 05:08 PM   #2569
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Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Crystals in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood

Lead in the ass

Iron in the Arteries

Andan inexhaustible supply

of Natural Gas.





I never thought I'd

accumulate such

wealth.
=
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:46 PM   #2570
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Ed and Nancy met on a cruise, and had a marvelous time together. He fell head over heels for her.

When he discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
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Old 01-31-2011, 08:42 PM   #2571
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One Saturday afternoon, a geezer and his young bride checked into the hotel honeymoon suite that was reserved.

At midnight, the young bride got down to the bar by herself, and ordered a double scotch. She then cried softly while sipping her drink. The concerned bartender asked "What's wrong, miss?"

The young lady replied "When we first met, he said that he was LBYM and been saving all his life. I thought that he meant money."
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:05 AM   #2572
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bad word warning

Auto-correct woes: Damn You Auto Correct! - Funny iPhone Fails and Autocorrect Horror Stories
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Old 02-01-2011, 11:24 AM   #2573
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Originally Posted by NW-Bound View Post
One Saturday afternoon, a geezer and his young bride checked into the hotel honeymoon suite that was reserved.

At midnight, the young bride got down to the bar by herself, and ordered a double scotch. She then cried softly while sipping her drink. The concerned bartender asked "What's wrong, miss?"

The young lady replied "When we first met, he said that he was LBYM and been saving all his life. I thought that he meant money."
OK, I give up. I don't get it.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:27 PM   #2574
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First of all, the joke was not mine; I read it elsewhere. I believe it meant that the old man had been saving up his sex drive, and was able to keep busy from the afternoon to midnight.` His young bride got a lot of er, whatever, but money wasn't it.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:32 PM   #2575
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:40 PM   #2576
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OK, I give up. I don't get it.
I took it to mean he was a virgin and hence not good in bed (he was saving himself all his life).
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Old 02-03-2011, 07:47 AM   #2577
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After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at
my wife one day and said, "darling, 44 years ago we had a
cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big
bed and plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a
65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding
up your side of things.."

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out
and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure
that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,
driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a
10-inch black and white tv.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve
your mid-life crisis!
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Old 02-04-2011, 10:31 AM   #2578
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When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen

"What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or fish?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
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Old 02-05-2011, 07:53 PM   #2579
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The world's first standup comic, Shecky of Gomorrah, went to his agent one day.
"Murray, I'm sick of all these one-night stands, living out of a suitcase, on a caravan, off a caravan, on a camel, off a camel. Can't you get me a long range gig, maybe something like on a cruise ship?"

His agent got him booked on Noah's Ark. He was out 40 days and 40 nights. When he got back he went directly to his agent's office.

"Well, how was it, Shecky?"
“‘How was it?’ you ask. Listen, I've worked for tough audiences before …but these were animals!"
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:19 PM   #2580
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Favorite Animal?

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.


My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken.


Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.


The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.


I told her, "Colonel Sanders".


Guess where I am now...
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