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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 10-27-2005, 06:03 AM   #241
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

One night, George W. is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.

He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin,what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 10-27-2005, 06:47 AM   #242
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car, which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Thinking he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 10-27-2005, 01:39 PM   #243
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by JPatrick
Everybody knows that incident took place at UT, Austin
Wrong! No way a self-respecting redneck would attend UT...

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 10-27-2005, 04:12 PM   #244
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Happy Thanksgiving.* Make sure you survive.

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com...=1652&rr=y&sou
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 10-27-2005, 04:20 PM   #245
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle43
Happy Thanksgiving. Make sure you survive.
It's not often I can thank an Eagle for giving me the bird....

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-03-2005, 06:19 AM   #246
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

BAPTIZING A DRUNK
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-03-2005, 06:20 AM   #247
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The damned funeral director would be my guess."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-03-2005, 10:36 AM   #248
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My contribution to the thread this week:

Go over to www.blogger.com and search for "half nekkid thursdays"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-03-2005, 07:15 PM   #249
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A story headline on MSNBC.com:

"Thieves using Trojans to steal bank passwords"

There must be a joke about getting screwed in here somewhere...

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-03-2005, 07:56 PM   #250
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

SOME ONE LINERS

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.


Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.



I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it . So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for
Miss America?



A good friend will come and bail you out of jail,but a true friend will be
sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!



When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.



Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?



Wouldn't you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells
live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed in a federal building?



Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and,
since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"


AND

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets
to the end, the faster it goes.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-03-2005, 07:58 PM   #251
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder:

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky..... Not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with BSE
is located among the millions and millions of cows in the United Kingdom
but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and
terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture
in charge of immigration.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-08-2005, 10:55 AM   #252
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead, this is for you...

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-08-2005, 03:30 PM   #253
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-10-2005, 11:01 AM   #254
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and ask, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guress I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a leasbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. AS soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everyting makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?'

The cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-10-2005, 11:18 AM   #255
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Amazing Claude
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hipnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotist who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations,"
Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"shiit!" "Opps" said the hypnotist.
... It took three weeks to clean up the theater
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-10-2005, 11:28 AM   #256
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that but every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-10-2005, 12:53 PM   #257
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here is a my Thursday contribution. Sorry if it offends anyone.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-10-2005, 02:02 PM   #258
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How does a young doctor see an 80 year old woman for most of her life?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-10-2005, 02:15 PM   #259
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by 73ss454
How does a young doctor see an 80 year old woman for most of her life?
Please re-read the first two lines again.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-10-2005, 03:03 PM   #260
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Sorry, I'm a little slow!
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