Its funny joke Thursday! - Page 13

Outtahere · 10-27-2005, 06:03 AM

One night, George W. is tossing restlessly in his White House bed.

He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin,what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

Outtahere · 10-27-2005, 06:47 AM

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car, which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Thinking he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which now read:
"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

REWahoo · 10-27-2005, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JPatrick

Everybody knows that incident took place at UT, Austin

Wrong! No way a self-respecting redneck would attend UT...

Eagle43 · 10-27-2005, 04:12 PM

Happy Thanksgiving.* Make sure you survive.

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com...=1652&rr=y&sou

REWahoo · 10-27-2005, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eagle43

Happy Thanksgiving. Make sure you survive.

It's not often I can thank an Eagle for giving me the bird....

Outtahere · 11-03-2005, 06:19 AM

BAPTIZING A DRUNK
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Outtahere · 11-03-2005, 06:20 AM

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The damned funeral director would be my guess."

brewer12345 · 11-03-2005, 10:36 AM

My contribution to the thread this week:

Go over to www.blogger.com and search for "half nekkid thursdays"

REWahoo · 11-03-2005, 07:15 PM

A story headline on MSNBC.com:

"Thieves using Trojans to steal bank passwords"

There must be a joke about getting screwed in here somewhere...

Alan · 11-03-2005, 07:56 PM

SOME ONE LINERS

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it . So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for
Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail,but a true friend will be
sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?

Wouldn't you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells
live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and,
since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"

AND

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets
to the end, the faster it goes.

Alan · 11-03-2005, 07:58 PM

Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder:

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky..... Not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with BSE
is located among the millions and millions of cows in the United Kingdom
but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and
terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture
in charge of immigration.

REWahoo · 11-08-2005, 10:55 AM

Jarhead, this is for you...

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours!

JPatrick · 11-08-2005, 03:30 PM

[/img]

Outtahere · 11-10-2005, 11:01 AM

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and ask, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guress I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a leasbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. AS soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everyting makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?'

The cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

Outtahere · 11-10-2005, 11:18 AM

The Amazing Claude
It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hipnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotist who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations,"
Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"shiit!" "Opps" said the hypnotist.
... It took three weeks to clean up the theater

REWahoo · 11-10-2005, 11:28 AM

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that but every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

Dawg54 · 11-10-2005, 12:53 PM

Here is a my Thursday contribution. Sorry if it offends anyone.

73ss454 · 11-10-2005, 02:02 PM

How does a young doctor see an 80 year old woman for most of her life?

10-27-2005, 06:03 AM	#241
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,677	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! One night, George W. is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away. The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight. The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin,what is the best thing I can do to help the country?" "Help the less fortunate, as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist. Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?" Lincoln replies, "Go see a play." __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

10-27-2005, 06:47 AM	#242
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,677	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car, which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." The two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Thinking he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which now read: "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00." __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

10-27-2005, 04:12 PM	#244
Eagle43 Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 1,652	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Happy Thanksgiving.* Make sure you survive. http://www.msn.americangreetings.com...=1652&rr=y&sou __________________ Resist much. Obey Little. . . . Ed Abbey Disclaimer: My Posts are for my amusement only.

11-03-2005, 06:19 AM	#246
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,677	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! BAPTIZING A DRUNK A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

11-03-2005, 06:20 AM	#247
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,677	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The damned funeral director would be my guess." __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

11-03-2005, 10:36 AM	#248
brewer12345 Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ... Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 9,223	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! My contribution to the thread this week: Go over to www.blogger.com and search for "half nekkid thursdays" __________________ “When you realize that you are one of the rare few who observe moral principles in their relationships with others, there is a temptation to sink into amorality, not out of conviction or pleasure but simply to avoid further pain, because there is no greater suffering than being an angel in hell, whereas a devil feels at home wherever he goes.” – Martin Page, How I Became Stupid

11-03-2005, 07:15 PM	#249
REWahoo Moderator Emeritus Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 11,482	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! A story headline on MSNBC.com: "Thieves using Trojans to steal bank passwords" There must be a joke about getting screwed in here somewhere... __________________ [MODERATOR EDIT]

11-03-2005, 07:56 PM	#250
Alan Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Baton Rouge Posts: 1,221	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! SOME ONE LINERS Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it . So I said "Implants?" She hit me. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for Miss America? A good friend will come and bail you out of jail,but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!" I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !! Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? Wouldn't you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building? Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!" AND I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. __________________ Countown clock is at 16 months

11-03-2005, 07:58 PM	#251
Alan Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Baton Rouge Posts: 1,221	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder: Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky..... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with BSE is located among the millions and millions of cows in the United Kingdom but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. __________________ Countown clock is at 16 months

11-08-2005, 10:55 AM	#252
REWahoo Moderator Emeritus Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 11,482	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Jarhead, this is for you... Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours! __________________ [MODERATOR EDIT]

11-08-2005, 03:30 PM	#253
JPatrick Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 1,501	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! [/img] __________________ If you do what you've already done, you'll get what you've already got- - - -<

11-10-2005, 11:01 AM	#254
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,677	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and ask, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guress I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a leasbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. AS soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everyting makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?' The cowboy replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian. __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

11-10-2005, 11:18 AM	#255
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,677	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! The Amazing Claude It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hipnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotist who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations," Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "shiit!" "Opps" said the hypnotist. ... It took three weeks to clean up the theater __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

11-10-2005, 11:28 AM	#256
REWahoo Moderator Emeritus Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 11,482	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that but every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!" __________________ [MODERATOR EDIT]

11-10-2005, 02:02 PM	#258
73ss454 Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 1,751	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! How does a young doctor see an 80 year old woman for most of her life?