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Sex and Good Grammar
Old 02-22-2011, 04:57 PM   #2601
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Sex and Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.


The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."



He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" 

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"



And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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Great sign
Old 02-23-2011, 07:48 AM   #2602
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Great sign

Spotted outside a local bar:

Monday Ladies Night
Must Show Proof At Door
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Old 02-23-2011, 01:55 PM   #2603
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Why rappers don't stage dive:

http://i.imgur.com/JjWMo.png

i like this more than i should....
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Old 02-24-2011, 03:42 PM   #2604
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Australian Court Case (or at least a good joke one!)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.

'CASE DISMISSED!!'
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The amazing Italian
Old 02-26-2011, 08:12 AM   #2605
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The amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."
The salesman bought a ticket & sat down. There, under The Big Top,
in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male
member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause & the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
15 years later the salesman visited the same little town, found
the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't
Miss The Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again,
the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, 3 coconuts were placed on the table.The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants & smashed the coconuts with 3 swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the
show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian,"But I have to know
something. I saw your act 15 years ago & you were using walnuts.
Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be".
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Old 02-27-2011, 01:10 PM   #2606
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Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal



A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer Valentine's Day negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.

The coffin will be closed.
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Old 02-27-2011, 01:14 PM   #2607
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I was at my bank today; there was a short line.



There was just one lady in front of me, an

Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for

dollars.



It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?

Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty?

Why it change?"



The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,

"Fluctuations."



The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
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Old 03-01-2011, 08:52 AM   #2608
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A Teabagger, Union Member and a CEO are sitting at a table with a dozen cookies...

...the CEO immediately takes 11 cookies for himself. The CEO then turns to the teabagger and says, "Watch out for that union guy he wants part of your cookie."
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:16 PM   #2609
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers..."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.


"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.


The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, & some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, “I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay .”

"Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs & 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, & we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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Old 03-02-2011, 01:36 PM   #2610
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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

Please enjoy and understand the following


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19.. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21.. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
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Old 03-07-2011, 06:14 PM   #2611
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Old 03-09-2011, 09:39 AM   #2612
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A new age religion has just started and it has already amassed a great number of followers. It is called "The Gospel of the Ghost".

In a recent meeting where 20,000 members all gathered in a massive tent to hear the preacher speech, the crowd was energetic with the feelings of the good and wellbeing.

The preacher stands at the pulpit and calls out to the crowd "Raise your hand to the heavens and shout if you believe in Ghosts".

The crowd goes wild.

"And raise your hand to the heavens and shout if you have even seeeeeeen a Ghost" shouts the preacher.

About 100 people raise their hands and the crowd goes wild.

"And of you people who have seeeeeen a Ghost. Raise your hand if you have ever had Sex with a Ghost" and the crowd is silent.

Way down the back, one old guy about 75 slowly raises his hand, and the crowd ushers him to the pulpit.

The preacher says "You good sir, tell us, tell us about your experience with having Sex with a Ghost"

The old guy, looks shocked and says into the microphone "Ghost, Ghost.... I thought you said Goat!"
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Old 03-14-2011, 01:48 PM   #2613
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An Irishman is sitting in the pub with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."
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Old 03-14-2011, 07:59 PM   #2614
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Old 03-17-2011, 04:05 PM   #2615
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that’s when the fight started.
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Old 03-17-2011, 04:24 PM   #2616
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Senior Personal Ads


Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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Old 03-18-2011, 09:41 AM   #2617
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So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone
slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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Old 03-18-2011, 11:51 AM   #2618
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his jacket.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, the light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"sh*t!" said the Hypnotist.



It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center. Claude was never invited back to entertain.
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:08 AM   #2619
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The difference between men and women
Old 03-29-2011, 05:52 PM   #2620
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The difference between men and women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie: she accepts: they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again, they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking; Gosh, six months.

And Elaine is thinking: but hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward.... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking; So, that means it was....let's see.. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means.. let me check the odometer..Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty..scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
What? says Roger, startled.

Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, here eyes beginning to brim with tears, "Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so.. (she breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that.. it's that I.. I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.

"YES" HE SAYS.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh", says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you Roger," she says.

"Thank you" says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turn on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand that, and so, he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.
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