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Old 03-30-2011, 08:32 AM   #2621
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And that's the difference between men and women.
Well now that you explain it that way, it seems easy! I should have understood from the beginning. Horse, Czechoslovakian, oil change....I think I'm starting to understand women.
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Old 03-30-2011, 02:22 PM   #2622
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night club..

The bouncer said:


"Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:29 PM   #2623
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How do you prove mathematically that "Women=Problems"?

Following is one proof found on the Web.

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Old 03-30-2011, 10:51 PM   #2624
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An Amish elder and his family went to a large shopping mall near Philadelphia for the first time. The mother was shopping for sewing articles while the father and son sat in the atrium. An elderly woman, overweight and in a wheelchair, rolled up to a large pair of polished steel doors. The woman pushed a button and the steel doors opened: the woman rolled in to a small room. The doors closed, and a lighted row of numbers scrolled upward, paused, then scrolled downward. The doors opened and out stepped a stunningly beautiful young woman. Without taking his eyes off her the father quietly said "Son, go get your mother".
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Old 03-31-2011, 08:43 AM   #2625
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There were five houses of religion in a small town:

The Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church ,

The Methodist Church ,

The Catholic Church and

The Jewish Synagogue .




Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.




One day, The Presbyterian Church

called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.



In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week




The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.




But -- The Catholic Church

came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.






Not much was heard about The Jewish Synagogue ,

but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
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Old 04-02-2011, 05:10 AM   #2626
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Has your spouse gained too much weight, wrinkles, getting into lazy habits or becoming more and more boring....? Stopped being attractive?

Talk the spouse into walking 5 miles in the morning and 5 miles in the evening...and you´ll see the results!! They´ll be amazing!!

In a week the said spouse shall be 70 miles away from home....!!
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Old 04-02-2011, 08:07 AM   #2627
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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this – I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
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Old 04-02-2011, 12:23 PM   #2628
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Man Wakes Up From Bender With Financial Problems Solved | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:27 PM   #2629
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Seen on a sign in a restaurant in southern Utah. Restaurant was built in 1931 and still owned by the original family...

Women do not burp, snore or pass gas. Therefore they must bitch or they would blow up! Right?
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Old 04-04-2011, 05:44 PM   #2630
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Stupid Sports Quotes

1. In 2004 the Minnesota Timberwolves offered Sprewell a $21 million contract extension. The three year extension was famously rejected by Spree with these words, "I have a family to feed."

He played out his contract, having the worst statistical year of his career, and then never played in the NBA again.

2. David Beckham - When asked if he was a volatile player, the response came: "Well, I can play in the centre, on the right, and occasionally on the left side."

3. Boxer Alan Minter - "Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing—but none of them serious. "

4. Ron Meyer - "It isn't like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids."

5. Baseballer Andre Dawson - “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”

6. Basketballer Scotty Pippen - "He's one of the best power forwards of all time. I take my hands off to him."
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Old 04-05-2011, 02:21 PM   #2631
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Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did.. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'
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Old 04-05-2011, 02:40 PM   #2632
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa99 View Post
Seen on a sign in a restaurant in southern Utah. Restaurant was built in 1931 and still owned by the original family...

Women do not burp, snore or pass gas. Therefore they must bitch or they would blow up! Right?
In my old '70s copy of my favorite cookbook, "The Joy of Cooking," they mention that there is a restaurant sign that says "Steaks cooked to your likeness." This has given my wife and me over 30 years worth of chuckles.

Mike D.
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Old 04-06-2011, 10:56 AM   #2633
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Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.

"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:01 PM   #2634
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AAADD

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes:

I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car ... BUT FIRST, I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on the desk.

After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.....Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops. There's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks ...
BUT FIRST, I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing there? I'll just put them away ... BUT FIRST, need to water those plants. I head for the door and .... Aaagh! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot.
Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants.... BUT FIRST,
I need to find those checks.

END OF THE DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because .... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help ... BUT FIRST.... I think I'll check my e-mail.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:56 PM   #2635
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Bubba's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident,
which caused her to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins a boy and a girl. The babies are fine.
Your brother came in and named them.
The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no!
Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,
"Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother says, "Wow!
That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother.
I really like the name "Denise."
What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:37 AM   #2636
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The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.
The North has double last names, The South has double first names.
The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.
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Old 04-10-2011, 08:35 PM   #2637
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Old 04-11-2011, 12:52 PM   #2638
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The blind daters had really hit it off, and at the end of the evening,
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the
fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have
any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish." Then, looking down at her new man's member, she added, "but I
suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
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Rim shots
Old 04-13-2011, 10:59 AM   #2639
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Rim shots

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, Can you believe that: 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes

The Grim Reaper came for me last night,and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death…..

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador dog."
"You don't want to be doing that,so you don't" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency...

A man walks into a Welsh pub and ordersa white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him.
"Where are you from? You sound English," asks the barman,
"Yes, I am from just across the river Severn,"replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, 'just across the river Severn?'",
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"It's alright boys. He's one ofus."

Spent £40 on Ebay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over todayon the ice!!
I presume she was poor she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my rectum!
Do you think I should change dentist?

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Old 04-15-2011, 12:52 PM   #2640
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A couple on vacation was driving their RV through Wisconsin. As they approached the town of Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth as they entered the town, and continued to bicker while they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter the husband asked the cashier, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrr-gerrrrr-Kiiiiing."
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